


City lights

by Evermoriver



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Gang World, Angst, Human Kaneki, Hurt/Comfort, Its confusing but it comes together, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Romance, Slow Burn, Smut, Swearing, modern day AU, non ghoul au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-29
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-11 21:36:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 80,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4453256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evermoriver/pseuds/Evermoriver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he had moved to Tokyo he wasn’t sure what he had expected. Definitely the hustle bustle and bright lights. The enchanting sights, the interesting people, the vibrant atmosphere. It was exciting and new. There was so much to discover, so much to see that it took his breath away. It was intense and lively and it made him feel as if he was going through a caffeine rush without the caffeine.</p><p>However what he hadn't expected was a run in with a dangerous white haired man. A man who would completely alter the life he had set before him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Flashing those eyes like highway signs

When he had moved to Tokyo he wasn’t sure what he had expected. Definitely the hustle bustle and bright lights. The enchanting sights, the interesting people, the _vibrant atmosphere_. It was exciting and new. There was so much to discover, so much to see that it took his breath away. It was intense and lively and it made him feel as if he was going through a caffeine rush without the caffeine. Of course most of his enthusiasm stemmed from the fact that he had never been out of his small town before and here he was.

Moving to the city.

Well not entirely alone, he was going to be living with some reliable people from the university he was going to attend; A fresh start- a new beginning. A chance to meet new people. New opportunities. It all excited him.

Hideyoshi Nagachika was someone who considered himself simple when it came to tastes. He didn’t keep high expectations and tried to stay optimistic through life, helping anyone that needed help, being kind to everyone, helping old ladies cross the road. With his outgoing personality he was usually quite popular, more often than not the life of the party.

Overall he considered himself quite amiable.

Yes, he had simple tastes.

Yet he knew that he himself wasn’t that simple. He was smart, probably the reason he had gotten a scholarship in such a prestigious university. However, in addition to that he had excellent intuition. That was probably why he had been so excited by his move- he loved meeting new people, analysing them, understanding more about them than they realized through their small gestures. He knew it was an odd habit; however it was an addictive way of living. There were more advantages to his sleuthing than disadvantages and it also helped to have the upper hand when it came to dealing with certain kinds of people. He was aware of the fact that on more than one occasion it was his intuition that had saved him from getting into trouble.

It was by similar intuition- and luck- that he had landed himself with a decent job in a place he had checked quite spontaneously.  

He was indeed quite content with the way everything in his life was turning out.

* * *

Hideyoshi, or Hide, as he asked everyone to call him still had a week before his classes started and throughout that week he was doing his best to make the most of it. He would go out during the day, exploring the city from one end to the other. He’d return just shy of midnight and sometimes would eat and leave to see the sights the night life Tokyo had to offer.

Today was one those days, it was past one and he was walking through an almost empty, dimly lit street. Humming to himself tunelessly, his earphones on full blast, and his hands in his pockets he gazed at the area with interest. This must be the more shabby areas of Tokyo, he noted. The apartments here were almost crushed together; a couple of windows dimmed, sheets and curtains covering them while others were brightly lit, illuminating the street in haphazard squares. Hide smirked at the ground oddly reminded of cubist paintings he’d seen. He stood for a few seconds, fiddling with his phone and considered whether this could be his new aesthetic. Snickering to himself at the thought he continued walking, picking up on the humming a few seconds later, relaxing in the cool night air. He had just been about to turn into one of the alleys when he heard a loud thud from behind him, loud enough the it managed to penetrate the music that was blaring in his ears. He struggled with his earphones, pulling them down to his neck and turned, his hurry causing him to stagger over his own feet.

It took him a few seconds to see anything out of the ordinary. His eyes adjusted to the dark slowly and when they did they zeroed on a small person shaped bundle on the ground. On any other day he would have ran to help without any second thoughts; however he had noted a small pool of darker liquid around what he supposed was the victim’s head.

Even more startling for Hide was when the bundle stirred, snapping him out of his bizarre fixation and he grimaced, moving to help the hurt one. He wondered if he had been caught in a bad crime scene. He could see the headlines now: ‘ _Poor, handsome university student murdered as he was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time_.’ He was stupidly caught in his thoughts when the figure staggered to their feet, swaying where they stood. Cursing his sluggishness Hide moved. Worried, he hesitantly took a few steps closer and tried to help the person straighten up by taking their elbows, and tried to identify them. Their dark hood and equally as dark jeans weren’t helping. The mystery person stiffened in his grip and within seconds had jerked away. He had yet to find his voice when they whipped around for a split second to look at him and then ran. Their speed was startling; their movements graceful even in their obviously injured state. He was reminded of a cat as he watched them dart left, disappearing from his vision completely.

As for the blonde, he was frozen, gaping at thin air, trying to figure out what had happened. When the person had turned he had caught a hold of their expression more than their features; it had been such quick, startled movement that he had barely had to time to register the appearance other than the vague flash of snowy white.

However the emotions displayed were still vivid in his mind even if the features had not been. He chewed a lip for a second wondering if he’d registered the feeling right, and finally came to the conclusion that it didn’t matter. That had been a complete stranger. They’re probably a gang member, he told himself sternly, determined to maintain his own good boy reputation, even if it was in his own mind.

Yet, even as he chastised himself he couldn’t get that expression out of his mind.

The look of pure terror that sent his stomach spiraling.

No, he couldn’t afford to get too interested in something that was so obviously trouble. There is a pool of blood, Hide. _Blood!_

Huffing, he pulled his headphones back to his ears and turned to go when something fluttering slightly caught his eye.

Turning back he saw a drenched piece of card lying on the ground.

He picked it up gingerly and squinted at the neat scrawl on the paper, barely able to make out the words in the dark of the night.

 

‘Like a traveller, I wait for the earth to swallow me up.

A vulture that circles the skies above the land.

Neither of us was meant to be here.’

 

There was blood on the corners, Hide noted absently, re-reading the words.

It sounded lonely, he thought, running his finger over the flimsy paper. Not that poetry was his strong suit of course. He’d barely passed the literature requirements.

Standing up again he made sure there wasn’t any blood on him, surprised at how calm he was at the thought, and pocketed the piece of card.

It must have belonged to the person that ran.

He felt the strong need to keep it safe.

That had been enough excitement for one night, he concluded, turning back to the general direction of his apartment. 

* * *

 

‘Nagachika, you said you were willing and energetic. Move!’ Seidou muttered trying to glare at him, tapping his pen against his desk impatiently. The blonde sighed dramatically, picking up the large pile of copied papers and carried them over to the brunette and let them drop with a muted thud.

‘Ah, Seidou-san, don’t overwork my young body!’ he exclaimed, grinning at him. He saw the older man’s eyebrow twitch and grimacing the man turned to the huge pile of paperwork. Now it was Seidou’s turn to sigh as he eyed the paper distastefully. Hide smirked wryly at the man and leaned closer to him.

‘Need help?’

‘Not from you errand boy.’

‘Ahhh, Seidou-san, and here I was being polite.’

‘You talk too much.’

‘I liven your day though!’ he laughed, good-humouredly, running a hand through his hair. It was getting obnoxiously long; he’d have to cut it soon.

Seidou snorted at his remark and muttering about Hide’s generation returned to the paperwork, evidently trying to ignore his presence. However, Hide was bored out of his mind. His tasks had been menial and he had completed his runs quickly. After finishing those he had been lingering around the most friendly staff member he could find; which was Seidou. It was understandable that the small man was getting annoyed by his constant companion but it wasn’t Hide’s fault that he was just _so_ bored.

He was about to helpfully tell Seidou about his great sleuthing skills and how the girls dug that, but he held back when the door was thrown open and a pale woman entered. The bleached blonde gulped, shrinking underneath her cold, indifferent gaze.

‘Ah, Nagachika,’ she said, walking to her desk across from Seidou’s and taking a seat. Hide smiled at Akira widely and as expected she ignored him, shuffling a few sheets of labelled documents. There was silence in the room as the two adults worked leaving him to awkwardly shuffle from foot to foot and glance at his phone for the time. It was passing excruciatingly slowly.

The ticking of the clock was driving him insane, he was fidgeting constantly, watching the duo act as if wasn’t in the room.

‘There’s been another crime in the 20th ward,’ the brunette huffed, looking up from the screen of his computer. Akira glanced at him for a second and then back to her work seemingly uninterested by his remark.

Hide however jumped at the opportunity for conversation.

‘That’s cool! I was there last night funnily enough!’ he exclaimed, too excited to be not hovering. The brunette man glanced at him tiredly.

‘Nagachika, you aren’t supposed to go out alone at night.’ It felt like he was being told off by his mother.

‘Ah but I was exploring!’ he whined. Seidou rolled his eyes at him and he grinned, noting the way that the man was tapping his pen; a typical sign of impatience from his senior.

‘Anyway, it was weird I saw this guy lying there, hurt,’ he tried, hoping to keep the conversation going. He didn’t want them to lapse into awkward silence once more. It was just too much. ‘That’s quite common. The 20th ward it pretty famous for gangs.’ The tapping was slowing, the man actually focusing on what he was saying.

‘Ah, that would explain the blood then.’

‘Blood? Did you get caught in a gang fight?’ Seidou was giving him a once over, his arms crossed over his chest. He hurriedly shook his head, flapping his hand as if to blow that notion away.

‘Nothing like that! I just saw someone hurt. Then they ran.’

‘Did you call the police?’ Both the men turned to the woman who had surprisingly contributed to the conversation. Hide scratched his cheek nervously and managed a half smile, letting out a nervous chuckle. ‘Uh, no. I didn’t think.’

Akira looked at him for a few more seconds, her stare piercing.

Then without a second glance she turned back to her computer screen, typing away. Seidou followed suit.

He sighed resignedly and returned to listen to the clock tick.

* * *

 

‘I’m off then!’ He waved to the grandmotherly receptionist and exited the brightly lit building, adjusting his bag’s strap.

He exhaled in the night air tiredly and switched on his music, immediately relaxing.

His feet were on auto-pilot as he made his way to his apartment, already having memorized the most efficient route to get back. Today, he decided wasn’t a day for exploring. He was tired after his first day, even if he hadn’t done too much work. It must be a first day thing.

‘Didn’t we tell you to fucking apologize?’

He paused immediately wondering if he had heard what he had thought he’d heard. He decided it was better not to take a chance, turning down the volume of his music and slowing his pace.

‘Answer you little slut.’

What was going on? Was it the increasing crimes Akira and Seidou had been discussing?

Lowering his headphones, he pulled out his cell, punching in the emergency services number. Somebody definitely seemed to be in trouble. Or getting picked on? Or maybe it was a drunk. Hopefully it was a drunk.

His thumb was hovering over the call button as he crept forward. He could hear muted swearing and grunts.

‘Stop making that face, apologize.’

He peeked into the dimly lit alleyway not sure what to expect. His eyes were met by a haphazard scene. A boy was held against the wall by a masked man; behind him was another, taller one. He was also masked. Calling them scary would have been an understatement. They looked absolutely brutal.

He focused on the victim and was surprised to see snowy white hair, and a _handsome_ pale face. He couldn’t see the expression clearly but he could identify an ugly, dangerous smirk on those lips. The other man’s head was on the boy’s neck, his hand trailing over his body. The man at the back was watching, his uncovered eyes, indifferent to the scene unfolding before him.

‘Kaneki, I’ll be ripping you to shreds.’ The head moved, evidently busy in its ministrations against the white haired guys neck. ‘I’ll start down there, okay?’

The male, Kaneki, didn’t flinch, if anything he seemed to grow even more still. The guy’s hand started popping open buttons.

Hide couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t watch this and do nothing. He forced himself to move.

‘Hey! Shove off or I’m calling the police!’ he put on his most determined, brave face and glared at the two men who could probably kill him in their sleep. The man turned to him. His face was hidden behind a plain white mask, his bloodstained jaw visible, black hair framing his face. He gulped, flashing his phone as a show of bravado.

‘It’s going to start ringing.’

The disinterested man in the red mask seemed to look even more bored.

‘What do we have here?’

He glared, somehow sure that the person behind the mask could see him clearly.

‘Did you hear me? Leave him alone.’

There was snickering from the white masked man and he flinched at the sound.

‘A knight in shinning armour. Of course. How fitting for a whore.’ The voice was dripping malice. His hand was shaking now. What had he gotten himself into?

‘Leave him,’ those were the first words he heard out of Kaneki’s mouth. They were soft. They rang in his ears almost as if they were not attached to the speaker.

‘Do you know him?! Did _he_ help you get where you are?’

‘No.’ Dangerous grey eyes ran over him. ‘Look at his uniform, he works for the CCG. They’ll come looking for hints if you hurt him.’ Why was he so calm when he was bleeding against a wall? He was being held against his will right? Had Hide walked into those awkward kink roleplays? Oh the mortification.

He kept quiet at the exchange, watching their body language as they conversed.

‘Should I claim you in front of him then?’ There was a definite domineering sneer on the white mask’s face and a threat in the posture. The white haired male, Kaneki, was stiff, unnaturally so. No. No matter how he looked at it this scenario didn’t seem natural.

‘That’s it, I’m calling the polic-’

‘Leave.’ It was Kaneki.

‘Hey! You’re-’

‘Mind your own fucking business and leave.’ Again the voice was completely unattached. As if the voice and Kaneki were two different people. He stared at Kaneki, torn. The white mask had turned back to him and was pulling down the collar of his shirt, his lips pressed against the skin. The other masked man seemed to have slipped away without Hide noticing. Grey eyes were locked with his own honey coloured ones.

The eye contact seemed to slice through him; venomously angry. His heart seemed to sink to his feet as he pocketed his phone, those eyes not leaving his. Not wavering when blood started to drip down their owner’s shoulder. Those eyes were dangerous and stone cold.

However, even when he was far away from the alleyway and the horrors that had almost taken place in front of him; he couldn’t deny that they had been the most striking eyes he’d ever seen.


	2. You told me this is right where it begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide watched him from the corner of his eye, fascinated by his completely different persona to what he had witnessed a few days ago. He was acting so distractedly timid.
> 
> It wasn’t what he had expected from him at all.
> 
> Kaneki was okay.
> 
> The relief was overpowering.

He tossed for what seemed like the eighth time that night, not daring to get out of bed.

He hadn’t left the apartment after nine since _that_ day.

Six days ago he had come home looking withdrawn and according to Nishio- his roommate- he had ‘freaked the living shit’ out of him. It wasn’t his fault that he had seen a potential rape scene unfolding before him. It hadn’t been his fault either that he hadn’t called the police like he should have.

He just had to keep telling himself that what he had done was what anyone else would do. He wasn’t at fault. He had done what that white haired guy- Kaneki- had instructed. However that hadn’t stopped him from searching for a white haired youth in every newspaper or news channel he came across. It was natural. He was just worried about what he had witnessed. He was also drowning in guilt but you know, that was beside the point.

He hadn’t told anyone about what had happened and now he was starting to regret it. Maybe Nishino or Nishio would be able to make him feel better about himself. Maybe.

When he had moved to Tokyo he had had a lot of expectations. He had wanted to make a bunch of new friends, try new things, and see new sights. He wanted to study hard and make something of himself. He wanted to be proud of himself.

But how could he do that anymore knowing that he had abandoned someone like that?

Those eyes wouldn’t leave his mind. They had been so, _so_ angry.

His posture had indicated discomfort from its stiffness.

_Why hadn’t he called for help?_

He turned again, sighing to himself.

No sleep for the wicked, huh?

_How fitting._

* * *

After downing his third cup of coffee he was ready. The lack of sleep was overcome through the large amount of caffeine he had consumed.

He was his usual bubbly self, annoying his roommate, cooking up a healthy breakfast and getting ready to leave for his first day of Kamii.

Leaving the apartment an hour early he smiled. It was a pleasant day, and he could see a few students already on the streets. The sun was still not too high and the air was moderately cool. The amount of people outside was slowly increasing. Shop signs switching from ‘closed’ to ‘open’. He waved to baby staring at him over her mother’s shoulder and waited for the road signs to give him the all clear to cross.

Humming loudly, he practically skipped across when it flashed green.

The way to Kamii was about twenty minutes which he supposed was pretty good. He was happy to be able to get some exercise and sun in the morning. He may even find some interesting routes, explore some places.

The incident immediately flashed into his mind at that thought and his mood soured. _No more exploring then._

The calming atmosphere he had been building for himself was ruined so instantly. He couldn’t do that. He should be optimistic. There was no use messing up his life and plans just because of one accident.

It was weird to him. What he had seen had been scary, worrying, and possibly traumatic but he was someone that would be able to distance themselves from such an incident. Yet here he was fretting over it a week later.

Why did he care so much?

What would happen if it happened again?

If he saw anything similar again he would definitely know what to do, he decided. He would definitely stop it.

No doubt about it!

Smiling, slightly comforted by the thought, he resumed his humming and continued on his way.

* * *

 

“You should come out with us man!”

“Yeah, Hide, we found an amazing arcade.”

He beamed at his new group of friends and nodded, replying in affirmative with a doubled amount of enthusiasm. It hadn’t been hard for him to make friends in this place on his first day. His clothes alone had attracted enough attention alone. It hadn’t been his fault he had a unique and bright fashion sense. He liked to dress positive. He liked to give everyone the impression that he was approachable in his stupid clothes. He also loved to stand out like a beacon. It would be easy to spot him.

Of course Nishio had said that he looked like he crawled out of the trash can and Nishino had asked him if he was posing as those American animated characters, the minions or something. Both the conclusions had made him wince, feigning hurt.

However, he _had_ made friends. 

“Ahhhh, I have a politics lesson, I’ll see you later, Hide.”

“See ya! I’m stuck here for Asian history.” The blonde called back, waving animatedly, gesturing at the room beside where the group of youths had been conversing.

He entered the hall and absent-mindedly found a seat near the back, a spot which seemed good for observing his surroundings as well as having a decent view of the board. He pulled out his books, getting himself ready, smiling to himself.

Hopefully this class would go as smoothly as his others had.

It didn’t take long before the lecture room started to fill up, and soon most of the seats were occupied by tired, sleep deprived looking students.

He was drumming his pen against the desk, waiting for the lecturer to arrive.

That was when he saw him.

The head of white hair.

The snowy haired man entered, paused, shyly looked around the hall and started making his way towards the first empty chair he saw. Which just happened to be the one on Hide’s left.

Hide let out a breath of air he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. This was too surreal.

The immense amount of guilt that had coiled tightly around his heart loosened up a little.

Kaneki was okay.

The relief was overpowering.

He gulped as he saw him making his way towards him.

He was wearing a black sweater and a dress shirt, first button done up. His pale skin was contrasting sharply with his clothes, making him stand out almost as much as Hide did with his bright clothes. He looked like an aesthetic picture.

The bleached blonde was startled when the boy actually sat down beside him, wrestling with his bag and spilling his notes over his and Hide’s desk in his hurry. He murmured quiet apologies, tidying them, painfully unaware of who was seated beside him. Hide watched him from the corner of his eye, fascinated by his completely different persona to what he had witnessed a few days ago. He was acting so distractedly timid.

It wasn’t what he had expected from him at all.

A few minutes passed and he was finally done cleaning his notes and placing them inside an old notebook. It looked ready to fall apart.

He took in Kaneki’s odd dark fingernails and wondered if the boy was trying to follow those visual Kei trends- maybe he was trying to appear edgier; however looking at his body language and clothing style Kaneki appeared to be an oddly timid nerd. He looked like he wanted to sink into the ground.

Finally, _finally_ , Kaneki glanced up at his face. And froze. Hide grinned awkwardly, waving his hand lightly. He really wasn’t sure how to act in this situation.

_Yep, I’m the guy who saw you being forced into something you weren’t into. Or maybe you were into it. Yo!_

Yeah, no.

Those grey eyes immediately grew hard as they rested on him, his face taking on an almost bored expression. _Great. This was wonderful._

“Sorry about the mess,” he had an amazing voice, soft, and almost lost in the shuffling of notes. It was also eerily distant.

Hide laughed, scratching the back of his head: “Hey, no problem man! Take your time.” There was no reply, only a stiff nod and then Kaneki turned away, not looking up from his notes for the duration of the lecture.

* * *

He had to hold himself back from physically sighing in relief when the lecture ended. It hadn’t been his fault that his desk partner had been utterly stiff and practically radiated his dislike through what seemed to be a hellish class to start with.

Kaneki was taking his time clearing his notes, and placing them neatly inside his less than acceptable notebook. Was it stapled together?

Still there was an intrigue to the other man. He cleared his throat, eager to make some sort of conversation.

“Hey, you need help with those?” he shot him a sunny smile as he said that. The best part was that he didn’t even have to fake being bright with this guy, his expression was so bleak it made him _want_ to be more cheerful. It made him want to make the guy happier.

“I’m alright, thank you.” That was the icy reply he got, politely strained.

“Alright, name’s Hide, I’m new!”

“Kaneki Ken. Nice to meet you.” The expression on that pale face contrasted sharply with his words, his eyes scrutinising him dangerously. The word ‘nice’ had been dripping with an uncertainty, an odd sort of malice.

He opened his mouth to speak, say something along the lines of how he hoped they’d get along but Kaneki seemed to have other plans.

Which happened to be walking out of the lecture hall in record time. He was almost out of the room when he shot an annoyed glance back at Hide, then exited.

Well wow…

Hide wasn’t stupid, he knew when he wasn’t wanted. A part of him wanted to stick around, this part probably stemmed from guilt for being unable to help him before.

He wouldn’t do that.

It was normal for Kaneki to not want him around, and while there was a slight intrigue, he definitely wasn’t going to involve himself into anything that would mess up his life.

Not unless he had to anyway.

* * *

“Nagashit,” the strawberry blonde called, impatience clear in his voice.

He let out a breath of air moving off his bed and lowering his headphones. Carefully placing his notes to his side as gently as he could manage he padded towards their small kitchen.

“Nishki-senpai, you did say you’d be nicer,” he groaned half-heartedly, coming face to face with the older man. Nishki had his hands on his hips, his eyebrows raised in annoyance, a feral smile on his lips.

“I tried, it didn’t work.”

“Wow, your masculine build and rude way of addressing me has my heart going doki doki,” Hide grinned, fanning himself.

“Shut up, you delusional fuck.”

“Speak for yourself Nishki senpai, you can’t touch this.”

“You’re literal walking shit.”

“Is that why you look so flushed?” he mentally high-fived himself for his amazing pun. Nishki looked like Hide had killed a bug on his face. He had to hold back his laughter.

“I was going to be nice and give you this trash attempt at emo lyricism, but you can fuck right off,” Nishki deadpanned, turning away from him,

“What?” Hide asked, his humorous mood fading slightly.

Nishki snickered at him:

“So now you pay attention.” Hide quirked a dark eyebrow. “Yeah, I know about your bad poetry, _lonely boy_!” The strawberry blonde seemed to relish his comeback after the blonde’s onslaught.

“Riiiight, so what are we talking about?”

Of course he knew what they were talking about. He had figured it out from the moment he uttered the words ‘poetry’, cause heck there was only one poetic thing that had any association with him.

He wanted to smack his head in frustration at his idiocy, how could he have been careless enough to actually leave that in his jacket. Well, he could have been careless. He had been careless. It wasn’t entirely his fault. He’d stripped his jacket off after that first encounter with Kaneki in that alleyway. The yellow jacket striking him as impure- even though it had previously been his favourite. It had been tainted by that one incident.

He himself felt consumed by the heaviness, the un-attachment. He felt compelled to solve the riddle that seemed to be Kaneki ken.

Which was a big statement seeing as he hadn’t had a proper conversation with the guy and knew next to no thing about him. Yet he felt him. The hurt. The anger.

He felt tainted by Kaneki.

“As if you don’t know,” came the curt reply.

“Ehhhh?” he squinted, trying to look as convincingly confused as he possible, earning a glare from Nishki. The older man now had his back turned to his eccentric roommate, who was chewing his lip thoughtfully. He made a mental note to remember how inquisitive Nishki could be- it seemed as if he had underestimated the man in the particular area. The strawberry blonde too seemed to be aware of Hide’s observational skills. He shrugged, deciding not to give too much thought to it.

“Just take this shit and,” Nishki thrust out the piece of card, the edges browned, without looking at either the object in his hand or at Hide, “Leave me alone.” Hide took the piece of card gingerly, trying not to look too relieved or grateful. He opened his mouth to elaborate on the subject, but clasping the card and recalling the words etched onto it, his decided against it.

Closing his mouth with a snap, he made his way back to his room.

* * *

 

It was eleven pm and he wasn’t inside his and Nishki’s dingy apartment. He had finally managed to leave at night and all it had required was a little push. A literal push from Nishki who had thrown him out of _their_ apartment so that he could spend time with Nishino- his girlfriend.

They were probably getting it on as he wandered the streets of the twentieth ward aimlessly.

He hummed to himself, a source of comfort in the silence of the night as he continued navigating through the area as familiar with it as he would have been had he been there since childhood. If it had been two weeks ago, his beloved earphones would have been clasped to his ears, music blaring loudly. However, now they rested around his neck, a simple pleasantry; an emotional trademark that he couldn’t bear to rid himself of.

He couldn’t afford to listen to music, he needed to stay alert. There was a potential chance that he would be caught up in a scenario where he might not be able to help someone, too caught up in his music to notice their distressed cries. He _needed_ to stay alert. He couldn’t ever put himself or anyone else in the situation in which he would leave them.

A slight breeze blew through the warm night making small posters on buildings, banners and leaves rustle lightly around him. It was watching everything that was deathly still come to life. It was strangely entrancing, and for a few minutes he was caught up in the strange exciting rush of discovering yet another fascinating aspect of Tokyo.

How amazing that something so small could cause such a reaction. A slight breeze could make such a vast amount of objects to shift and cause a difference to something as colossal as the night. Why hadn’t he noticed these small things when he wasn’t in the city? Surely the breeze would have had the same effect where he came from?

He mulled over it for a few seconds unmoving.

What made _this_ breeze special? Was it how small the starry sky looked overcast by the bright city lights and the looming buildings? Was it that this breeze was only important because he felt certain emotions? Because the breeze meant something to him?

He slapped himself lightly, realizing that he was having midnight musings and it was terrifying. He really couldn’t afford to zone out in the middle of the pavement. Especially not with the luck he had been having.

He started walking, quickening his step and entering the first open shop he found. Thankfully it seemed to be a homely looking coffee shop. Looking around he was surprised. It was odd to see a shop this nice staying open so late, even though they only had what seemed like two students poring over their notes as their only other customers. He could see a small convenience store open across from this place and an even smaller cyber café beside this place.

“Welcome to An- Hide?” a startled familiar voice greeted him and he snapped to attention.

“Touka?!” he spluttered. He barely had time to register his surprise as she smacked him with the tray she’d been holding. He grimaced, rubbing his head where she had assaulted him, trying to look as wounded as possible.

“I knew it was you! Shitty Nishki told me you moved here,” she seemed a mixture of angry and happy. It resulted in her voice coming out in a growl. He scratched his cheek nervously.

“I- yeah, it’s been wild so far. Sorry I didn’t contact you earlier. Like I said it’s been wild…” his voice trailed off weakly. His uncertainty catching them both off guard. He was acting uncharacteristically apprehensive and although he and Touka hadn’t met for absolute _eons_ she knew him well enough to catch on to that.

“Wild?” She shot him an un-comprehensible look, “ _Right_ , lets grab you some coffee Hide. You look like you need that shit.”

He really did.

* * *

 

He woke up groggy, barely rested. His mind running over trivial things, his heart catching on to small shreds of memories from the previous nights.

His conversation with Touka had been vague.

He had briefly outlined everything, opting to edit out the Kaneki incident he witnessed and choosing to not mention his name as he jovially complained about his stiff desk partner.

From his side he hadn’t had much to tell, not really. He used to talk to Touka almost twice a week, every week before he moved here.

It had been an odd friendship that had stemmed through their families. Touka’s father and his own had gotten along immensely well, which had resulted in their two families constantly mingling. That had concluded with an unbreakable bond forming between the Kirishima’s elder and the Nagachika’s only child. A bond that stayed strong when Arata was transferred to Tokyo and then finally abroad leaving behind his two children. He came to visit on Christmas though.

He sighed, shoving his pillow over his head trying to squeeze in a few more seconds of sleep after yesterday’s tiring ordeal. He shouldn’t have stayed so long with her. He had promised to visit her again as soon as possible; however staying past five wasn’t a bright idea in any sense.

Now here he was, chugging down coffee and preparing to make his way to Kamii. He wasn’t looking forward to double Asian history with practically no sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the kudos and the comments OTL  
> I hope the story is flowing well, I'm trying really hard to make it make sense and dropping slight foreshadowing.  
> Feedback is really appreciated since it pretty much motivates me.  
> Next chap will have more Kaneki


	3. There's a storm you're starting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He really couldn’t deal with Kaneki today. He was trying his best to maintain what dignity he had in front of this guy and it was proving to be a struggle. Yet he didn’t want his desperation for acknowledgement to be too obvious.
> 
> His obvious curiosity was pushing him although it had stemmed from a less than pleasant experience.
> 
> He shifted in his seat and rested his head tiredly against the desk until the professor came.
> 
> Maybe he could catch some shut eye in the mean time. He sighed at the thought.

“Hey Kaneki,” he mumbled, lowering himself into his seat, groaning softly due to his sore muscles. His whole body ached from his lack of sleep and he took a swig of the coffee that he had bought on the way to university. It wasn’t a surprise when there was no reply from the white haired boy, who remained hunched over a hard cover book.

He looked at Kaneki from the corner of his eye, taking in his appearance for today. A dark blue sweater and the collar of a dress shirt peeking through. His notes were placed neatly on his desk, his pens lined. His eyes were obscured by the locks of hair hanging onto his face and he was chewing his lip. He really couldn’t make himself look away from the sight.

Almost abruptly Kaneki picked up one of his pens and scribbled a few sentences in minute hand writing on the small gap at the end of his books page. He seemed completely lost.

However, he really couldn’t deal with Kaneki today. He was trying his best to maintain what dignity he had in front of this guy and it was proving to be a struggle. Yet he didn’t want his desperation for acknowledgement to be too obvious.

His obvious curiosity was pushing him although it _had_ stemmed from a less than pleasant experience.

He shifted in his seat and rested his head tiredly against the desk until the professor came.

Maybe he could catch some shut eye in the mean time. He sighed at the thought.

Yeah, just a few seconds.

He’d wake up instantly for sure.

A few minutes seemed to pass as he slipped into darkness. Finally, some peace at last.

Something prodded into him sharply and he groaned, trying to shift into a more comfortable position. The annoying sensation disappeared and he mumbled happily and returned to his slumber. This time something cold pressed against his face, swatting him lightly, gently.

Seriously? Could he not catch a break for five seconds? God knows he needed it.

He cracked his eyes open, instantly squeezing them shut against the bright lights and this time opened them slower, adjusting to the artificial lighting of the room. He expected to see a full room of students. Kaneki probably still immersed in his book.

What he didn’t expect was a slightly sulky looking Kaneki looking at him expectantly, the room almost entirely empty. He blinked, sitting up and shaking his head to make sure he wasn’t imagining things. How had the scene shifted so abruptly?

Had he seriously slept that long? He _did_ feel moderately well rested. Surely that didn’t mean that he had slept for _too_ long.

“I- uh. Did I sleep for long?” his voice was hoarse, he cleared his throat, rubbing his eyes drowsily. Kaneki arched a snowy eyebrow at that.

“Through the lecture, like a log.”

 _That_ caused Hide to tense up.

“ _What_?!” he squawked, jumping to his feet, clearly startling the other boy.

“I tried to wake you up. You said five more minutes,” Kaneki said defensively, looking at the desk beside him.

“Oh shit sorry. But seriously what the fuck?” the last part was addressed more to himself than anyone else. He had missed two hours of the lecture. _Two hours._ He was so screwed.

“Sorry.”

Hide turned to Kaneki, running his eyes over him, slightly taken aback by the hushed apology. “Why are you saying sorry?” Kaneki shrugged at the question, fiddling with the hem of his sweater.

“Hey, do you think I could borrow your notes for the day? I’ll give them back to you in the next class.” When he was met by silence at his request he quickly added: “I just don’t want to fail this class. I’ll owe you one.” He really wasn’t thinking too much beyond how desperately he needed those notes and he needed to get through this class. _He’d seriously slept through the two hour lecture._

Way to go Hide. Well done.

“I need them.”

Hide squinted at Kaneki, who seemed to be stubbornly refusing to look at him, his hand unconsciously rubbing his chin.

“Dude, our next assignment isn’t due till three weeks from now. I won’t destroy them if that’s what you’re worried about.”

The snowy haired boy winced at his words as if he had been slapped. A few minutes of awkward silence passed. Kaneki visibly struggling with himself.

Finally he straightened, probably finding a resolve. Turning to Hide he looked him in the eye. Silver meeting golden.

“Okay. Try to have them back quickly.” There was an odd weight on those words.

“Sure, thanks. It means a lot,” he said easily, watching Kaneki fish them out of his messenger bag and try to straighten them. He took them from him with a sunny smile and was rewarded by a withering look.

“Yeah.”

There was an awkward pause. Hide quickly put the notes inside his binder trying to appear as casual as he could.

“So what’s your major?” he asked, finally straightening up and lifting his bag.

“Literature.”

“Oh, that’s pretty cool! I’m international studies. Seriously, literature must be really tough, I barely scraped a decent grade in that!” he enthused watching Kaneki’s face for any minute expression changes. He didn’t seem too fazed by Hide’s rambling.

“It’s alright.”

“Wow, your definition of alright seems kinda biased. What’s _this_ class to you?” he leaned closer, looking at Kaneki mock suspiciously. Kaneki flinched.

“It’s fine. Look-”

“Christ, you must be a masochist! This class is the definition of doom.” He groaned, rubbing his head, and suppressing a yawn. The class was completely empty by now, it seemed like this hall was free.

Lucky him, he supposed.

At least he was having a coherent conversation with Kaneki. Sure he was the one doing most of the talking, but sometimes you just had to lead. And eventually Kaneki would maybe contribute. Maybe.

“Look, Nagachika-san-”

“Hide.”

“Hideyoshi-san.”

“Hide.”

A sigh of defeat.

“Look, Hide. I have to go.”

So much for having a normal coherent conversation, still it hadn’t been that bad. They _had_ gotten somewhere.

He grinned, nodding at Kaneki and waving.

“See ya, Kaneki!” That name had a really nice ring to it.

Yet, so had his own name coming from that mouth. 

* * *

 

He took a few minutes, gathering himself, before following Kaneki’s lead and exiting the hall. While the whole lecture had been brutal- even though he had slept through it, he was glad that he had managed to get a conversation out of the guy. His guilt was by now majorly replaced by a feeling he could only describe as intrigue.

It had definitely been there before, it had been there when he told himself that he wanted to solve the riddle that was Kaneki Ken.

However now the feeling was a engulfing him. He had seen such a harsh side to Kaneki before and now he was met with the opposite. He just wanted to know.

He exited the hall, sighing at the stupidity of his thoughts. It was a pleasant day; maybe he could go to Anteiku earlier today and get some of the cute cakes he’d seen. He’d get food _and_ meet Touka. Win- win situation.

“We saw you with him! What kind of game are you playing eh?”

His pleasant thoughts were interrupted by a rough voice coming from behind him.

He turned around, and reflexively took a step back. Kaneki was pinned to a wall, a bigger guy glaring down at him expectantly. When the guy got no response he grabbed Kaneki’s sweater, tugging him forward aggressively.

“You better fucking talk or I’ll make you.”

It was funny how weirdly similar this scenario was to before. However this time he didn’t waste time dawdling.

“Hey Kanekiiiiiii,” he jumped towards the duo, in mock enthusiasm, making a show of stumbling over his feet and onto the guy. He wasn’t going to stand around and do nothing. He _couldn’t_ stand around and do nothing.

The two of them fell in a painful heap, and the guy grunted in displeasure looking dazed.

Kaneki stared at him in surprise as Hide casually dislodged himself from the guy whose face had collided with the ground.

“Oh shit man, I’m so sorry.” No. No he wasn’t. He grabbed the guy, tugging him to his feet and patting his shoulder, grinning. He was heavier than he looked, and he looked pretty heavy. “I didn’t see you there! Are you okay?”

It was impossible not to see him but the guy grunted again, seemingly taking his words at face value. He gave the guy another pat turning back to Kaneki.

“Coming man?”

A predatory gleam entered those silver eyes as they met his.

“Yeah. Coming.” 

* * *

 

They walked in silence for the most part, Hide occasionally making an off-hand comment about their surroundings. Reaching the entrance of the small university they both paused.

“Were you hurt?” Kaneki’s voice was deceptively soft, his gaze averted to a clump of grass.

“Nah, you?” His muscles were sore but that wasn’t exactly something he’d say.

The white haired boy shook his head, tugging up his collar, and scratching his chin nervously.

“Alright, take care of yourself man. I’ll get these notes to you in one piece!” he exclaimed, suppressing his intense desire to question Kaneki about what he had witnessed and more. He was over flowing with questions but judging from what he had gathered on Kaneki, he needed space.

Which was fine, Hide was infinitely patient.

Kaneki nodded, jerkily, awkwardly. Hide sent him a sunny smile and waved.

“I have work, see ya later!”

“Goodbye,” the feeble reply was lost in the wind as Hide turned away, walking to his next destination. 

* * *

 

  “You’re late Nagachika-kun.”

He entered breathlessly, clutching his bag, and doubled over.

“Sorry Amon-san, I had to rescue a damsel in distress,” he gasped, still trying to catch his breath. He raised his eyes to meet Amon’s incredulous ones and grinned.

“I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not,” the older man told him, looking dumbfounded, holding a small pile of papers.

“I’m being serious of course! He needed help,” Hide cried, straightening up and casting a look around the quiet office which didn’t seem _too_ greatly disturbed by his loud demeanour.

Amon’s eyebrows shot up and Hide found himself absently admiring them.

“You’re late Nagachika.” He winced, casting a glance to the pale woman who was professionally striding towards the two.

“Hah, I got caught up Akira-san,” he scratched his cheek nervously, instantly uncomfortable underneath the icy glare from the older woman. Amon eyed him obviously put off by the difference in response elicited between him and Akira.

“He was rescuing a damsel.” There was definite heavy sarcasm in Amon’s words.

“Right,” she spared a glance to the towering man, “I need a couple of files printed and then you have been requested to help out with a case.” Akira didn’t pause for a second, ignoring Amon’s comment entirely. He could feel his eyebrow’s shooting up.

“A case? I applied as an errand boy,” he clarified, waving his hands in slight panic.

“Director Washuu requested for you personally, anyway the files-”

The rest of the day was a blur as he slaved off for his superiors, his mind heavily occupied. He was debating exactly what he had done to drag attention to himself. _From director Washuu_. The guy couldn’t possibly know he’d applied here for errand boy. He was far too high up to possibly take a note of him. His mood had soured at the thought of being watched from day one. Still, he couldn’t come up with anything that would give him the liability to partake in over looking cases.

More than that- He was just a university student!

Yet here he was, four hours of menial tasks later. He had two thin files placed in his hand and was designated the task of scanning them.

Two more hours and he could leave.

He cracked open the file and started looking over the stacks of paper inside trying to hold back a yawn.

_‘Abuse in Jails Rise back to an Incredible High after Eight Years.’_

_‘Look out for possible suspects.’_

That caught his attention.

Taking a deep breath, he turned the page.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kind comments.  
> Please tell me what you think!


	4. Take me back to the simple life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’ll draw you a dick.”
> 
> “Yes please.”
> 
> She scrunched up her nose, obviously struggling not to smile.
> 
> “Didn’t know you swung that way.”
> 
> He rolled his eyes at her words.
> 
> “You know I don’t like swinging around. I get motion sickness easily.”
> 
> “That’s some lie.”

“Hey! Shit-head, it’s been an hour. Wake the fuck up.”

The amount of déjà vu he was having was disconcerting. He was shook violently and he groaned, shaking his head and trying to get a grasp over himself. Coming to his senses he was hit by the scent of coffee and ink.

He sat up slowly, stretching a little. The lights in his messy room were switched off and dim moonlight filtering through his window indicated the late hour. It most definitely had been more than an hour since he slept but he held his mouth, seeing the action of letting him sleep in as an act of consideration on the older man’s part.

“Thanks Nishio senpai,” he managed, yawning instantly and covering his mouth with his arm. There was a horrible kink in his neck and he tilted his head trying to work it out.

The older man glared, “You’re over working yourself Nagatrash.”

Hide grinned, pushing himself off his desk chair which he had stupidly fallen asleep on. He was sure he had ink marks on his face, seeing as he had slept against his notes. Not his wisest decision.

“Awwww, senpai. Are you worried?”

He narrowly avoided a pen hurtling towards him and laughed lightly.

“Stop laughing like that, fucking lonely boy.”

“Sorry, sorry. Let me pack these notes and I’ll be leaving.” He bounced towards the general direction of his bathroom and without waiting for Nishki’s reply, shut the door. He blinked a couple of times trying to adjust to the bright lighting and fought to suppress a yawn.

He had stayed over time at work trying to look over the case files that had turned out too interesting not to scan. The documents he had looked over had been few in number, around a hundred sheets and he had barely gotten through ten when his shift ended. Being the curious idiot he was, he had cheerfully told an incredulous Seidou that he’d stay over time.

Which was the beginning of his unwise decisions.

When he had tiredly stumbled home, he had remembered his notes or the lack thereof of them. He had started looking over Kaneki’s notes and copying down what he had missed but exhaustion had gotten the better of him. He had barely gotten through the first paragraph when he had started to feel his lids falling shut.

Additionally he had promised to meet Touka.

 _You’re an idiot. Idiot,_ he told himself sternly, looking at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were shinning through the evident tiredness and he rolled them, his expression still not looking any less excited. Quickly washing his face and freshening up, he exited and grabbed his shoulder bag, glancing at the clock.

It was eleven pm which wasn’t _too_ late, and Kimi was supposed to be arriving soon. He was putting on his jacket when the doorbell rang.

_That’s my queue to leave._

* * *

Whistling he wandered down the sparsely populated streets of the twentieth ward towards the small coffee shop. The night was warmer today, the breeze less frequent.

However he was in lighter spirits.

Entering Anteiku, his presence was announced by the bell above the door.

His eyes instantly scanned the premise for his friend, latching onto a figure at the back.

Touka was serving a couple near the window. He opened his mouth to announce his presence but instead he was instead greeted by a kind looking elder.

“Welcome to Anteiku.”

He smiled politely, “Thank you very much!”

When he was seated and assured that Touka would be with him shortly he opened his bag. Pulling out the battered notebook, he placed it on the table, taking out other necessities.

Grabbing a blank sheet, he pulled Kaneki’s notes closer as carefully as he could. The paper looked crumpled and ready to rip, and he didn’t want to be blamed for whatever damage that could easily affect the notes. He bit the edge of his pen.

It was impressive the amount of information Kaneki had managed to get on paper. However he was less impressed by the size of the writing on each sheet, having to screw his eyes and squint to read it clearly.

There were tiny words scribbled in the margins looking haphazard and rushed; a strict contrast to the rest of the notes.

“Want a drink dork?”

He looked up, grin ready, “Coffee with like eight sugars and give me cute latte art!” Holding back laughter at her affronted expression, he lazily dodged the tray she tried to half-heartedly smack him with.

“I’ll draw you a dick.”

“Yes please.”

She scrunched up her nose, obviously struggling not to smile.

“Didn’t know you swung that way.”

He rolled his eyes at her words.

“You know I don’t like swinging around. I get motion sickness easily.”

“That’s some lie.”

He dramatically placed his hand over his heart, “Touka chan, you’re hurting my heart. I just wanted a pretty drawing!”

It was her turn to roll her eyes at him. She didn’t say anything, just huffed, pushing her fringe back and without a second glance walked away.

He watched her retreating form for a few seconds and then turned back to his notes, his eyes drawn back to the margin.

It took him a few seconds for his eyes to finally adjust to the minute writing.

 

The sun is scorching

Trying to provide release

Rays of light are piercing through

But this is a wasteland left to freeze

Amidst the storm an anemone blooms

 

He re-read it trying to process the words.

It seemed familiar surprisingly enough.

The words sound cynical at best and at worst hopelessly empty. His eyes skimmed over them once more and he grunted, scratching his head.

Either way, the guy was a literature student so it shouldn’t be odd or anything to find poetry scribbled here or there. It was probably from an assignment. Just because the words were there didn’t mean _he_ had wrote them.

But why did Hide get an odd sense of struggle from those words?

He tut-ted, annoyed at himself for getting distracted so easily once again. Whatever Kaneki wrote, Kaneki wrote. Whatever Kaneki did, it wasn’t his business.

Or so he was telling himself to kill his overwhelming curiosity.

He really was hopeless when it came to keeping a single trail of thought.

The smell of coffee of strong coffee hit him before the actual mug was placed before him. Much to his surprise it had a badly drawn, foamy dick decorating it.

He looked up, glaring at the younger girl with all the anger he could muster. It wasn’t working in the slightest; he was biting his lip trying not to grin.

“Your drawing skills are pretty questionable.”

“So is your shitty face,” she retorted, sliding in the chair across from him and taking a sip from her own cup.

Taking a spoon he dispersed the sad attempt at art and took a swig. Instantly he was hit by the bitterness and gagging at the taste he slammed the mug down. “Holy crap, you know I take a lot of sugar right?” he choked.

“Weak.” Folding her arms, she eyed the empty counter, “I might have forgotten to tell him to add sugar and cream.”

“Rude! You didn’t even make coffee for your husbandu!” He huffed, fanning his tongue. He had definitely scalded his tongue.

“Oh please, you’re the wife in this relationship.”

“Even more reason for you to have made me coffee! What will the children think?” he cried lying over the table dramatically.

“Get back to work idiot wife!”

Oh yeah. Work. Studying. Sighing, he sat up staring at the notes he had crumpled beneath him.

“How’s uni?”

He groaned in response, starting to copy down complex dates and reasoning for God knows what.

“That stiff guy?” He glanced at her in surprise, continuing his hurried scrawl. It was odd that she managed to remember that. Then again Touka could be perspective with the strangest things when she needed to be.

“Better actually,” he told her truthfully. “Might even be good friend material.”

“Good friends with benefits material?”

“Oh fuck off Touka.”

“Gladly. My shift is over. Study hard blonde-y!”

He let his head fall to the desk in defeat.

* * *

“I still don’t understand how I got on this,” he muttered, photo-copying what seemed like the twentieth sheet and handing it to the brunette.

“Neither do I, Nagachika-san,” Seidou said snidely, his eyes scanning the page. Hide huffed, fanning himself and tugging at his hair and pushing it out of his eyes. He really needed to cut it; it was getting too hot for it.

“Come on Seidou san, you _were_ in the meeting right?” he whined, struggling with himself so not to shake the man. Seidou’s gaze flicked to him and away.

“You’re a handful, Nagachika.”

“But you totally think I’m the most exciting one here. So tell me!” he sang, half screeching the ‘me’. It was hard to contain himself around Takizawa, the man acted like his mother half of the time making him impulsively act childish. Seidou rolled his eyes.

“During the meeting it was implied by the director that it had come to his notice that there was a new messenger boy. He said that after he looked over your resume he was impressed by the fact that you were a Kamii student. So as a fresh mind you were brought to this case.”

Seidou ended his small explanation on a sarcastic note, smacking Hide over the head with the small pile of paper he was holding. He grinned, not entirely satisfied with his coincidental raise in position but decided to take it at face value.

For now.

“See Seidou san, I’m so cool!” Seidou opened his mouth, probably to disprove the blonde’s statement.

“Nagachika-san, I was looking for you.” The familiar deeper voice made the duo turn to its source and surely Amon was walking towards them.

“Sorry Amon-san, I was just photo copying some documents from the case I was assigned to assist you on!” Amon nodded, nodding in acknowledgement at Seidou.

“It’s about the case, we’d like to brief you in more detail since you’ve had some time to look over the small links we’ve made so far if you feel you’re ready, that is, of course.”

“Yeah! Thanks a lot Amon-san!” he said enthusiastically, grabbing the extra sheets.

The two left the brunette to attend to his paperwork and Amon led him through the building, turning through various professionally lit and intimidating looking corridors.

Finally he entered a room marked: Conference room 2 and Hide followed, straightening his back as he entered.

* * *

 

“As we know, the killer is within the premises of the jail, so it could either be one of the prisoners with a way around the area or a possible staff member. Employing cameras hasn’t proven to be too effective; the victims are always taken from within blind spots. Here are the autopsy reports and their background files.”

Four small folders were passed from Akira to Hide and he opened them nervously, grimacing at the gruesome recorded images before him. He scanned the autopsy’s, looking for notable similarities.

Amon continued from there: “As you may have noticed they all are tortured severely, missing fingers, teeth, nails, and chunks of flesh. There is no pattern in the gender, age, or features that we have found. However the bizarre thing is-”

“They are all found in the 20th ward.” He whispered, startled by the disturbing discovery.

Tokyo really wasn’t what he expected it to be.

“We ran forensics on the victims but it seems the killer is immaculate and trained in what they do. The only slip up from them we could find was traces of rust on the victim’s wounds.” Akira said almost conversationally, looking completely unfazed as usual.

“And the cases link to the two that happened five years ago?” Hide questioned, noting the sticky notes stuck to the main case files.

“Yes, the first victim was found dead and the second managed to escape, not able to provide much information about the killer.”

Hide looked at her in surprise: “But there’s no record of the one that managed to escape?” he phrased it like a question, looking at the older two. They exchanged a brief look that didn’t entirely go unnoticed by him.

“Due to them being a minor we were required to keep their identity confidential,” Amon provided, his voice strained.

“Ah, that makes sense.” He didn’t push the subject, making a mental note to do some personal research on the matter at home.

“So will I be accompanying you on the field?” he asked eagerly.

They stared at him blankly and a nervous laugh escaped Amon.

“Afraid not Nagachika-san. It’s paperwork for you for a few weeks.”

* * *

When had he become so cold?

Sitting in the dark he bit his lip, trying to blank his mind. How empty had he become? When had he become so numb? So used to the pain that it was a feeling as natural as breathing. Throwing himself into endless distractions was certainly a means of dulling his emotions but moments when he was abandoned with his thoughts were worse. It was a time where he would be forced to face himself. Face his problems. Face everything.

Staring at the dark wall he realized how desperately he wanted to cry. How much he wanted to open up to someone. Who would he go to? No one. After all everyone had pushed him away. Made sure he knew how _wrong_ he was. How his changes qualified him as a mistake. A freak. How they wished he hadn’t gotten out alive. How he had murdered the innocent boy that was him, willingly. Their bitterness was so evident that it engulfed him.

He knew he couldn’t burden anyone anyway. He wouldn’t be able to. He wouldn’t be able to go far enough to lay his worries, his pain bare in front of them. He wouldn’t want anyone to see the cracks in his perfect glassy heart.

After all he was stone cold. He _was_ impervious to all emotion.

Worst of all he was alone.

* * *

“That is some high quality shit,” Touka said, licking the edge of the cone hurriedly. Her ice-cream continued to drip over her hands and she glared at it. He laughed at her.

The two of them had decided to meet during the day for a change on the weekend. Due to his sudden raise in position there had been a considerable raise in his pay and he was treating the two of them to ice-cream.

“It is, you should’ve seen the pictures from the victims. It was nasty.”

“Were they headless?” she took a bite from it and he winced watching her.

“Touka that’s just too much,” he exclaimed, aghast at her casual question. She shot him a grin and he turned his attention to his ice-cream, glaring at it in disgust as it started to run down his fingers.

“It’s weird though. There’s gang stuff going on in the 20th ward and the victims are always in the 20th ward. It’s a pretty obvious link. But it’s only been prisoners as victims so they think it’s one of the prison people.” He murmured between mouthfuls of chocolaty ice-cream. Touka stared at him, “There’s some on your chin,” she pointed at her own face and he wiped the same area quickly, raising his eyebrows in question. She nodded.

“I’m just surprised you’re an assistant in an investigation.”

“Mmm!” he shouted in confirmation, around a face-full of ice-cream. He swallowed hurriedly turning to her excitedly. “Right?! It’s so weird. Apparently the director was impressed by the fact that I was in Kamii.”

“Maybe aiming for Kamii wasn’t such a bad idea,” she remarked nonchalantly, “Maybe my manager will make me assistant manager impressed by my resume.” He grinned.

“Maybe.” 

* * *

“Hey Kaneki,” he said automatically, taking a seat beside the white haired boy who was absorbed in another heavy looking book. The grunt he got in response was in inclination of him having heard. It was better than the silence he had heard before and Hide optimistically took it as a huge leap in their acquaintance-ship.

Pulling out his necessary items he took out Kaneki’s notes with utmost care.

“Thanks a lot for these, man. You’re a life saver!” he offered, flashing his most sincere smile. Kaneki looked up at him in surprise, his grey doe eyes widening a fraction. “No problem,” his soft voice seemed shaky as he took his flimsy notebook.

“Though I had to use a microscope to read your writing,” he grinned, hoping to keep the sad attempt at conversation going.

Kaneki instantly broke eye-contact with him, looking at the notes in his slender fingers. A blackened nail smoothing over the frayed edge of a corner. Every small movement of his proving to be oddly entrancing to him. “Sorry for the trouble.”

Hide didn’t expect that, although there seemed to be a pattern to his behaviour he realized recalling their previous conversation. Hide waved a hand in front of his face, “Trouble, no man! There was not trouble! I was joking! Your notes were like God sent!” he started enthusiastically, repressing the urge to shake the guy. Kaneki looked a mixture of astonished and nervous. “I- uh-”

“Nice poem by the way.”

He wasn’t sure why he said that. As soon as the words were out of his mouth he wished he could take them back. Kaneki had stiffened, whatever he was about to say dying on his lips and Hide watched him nervously. He hadn’t messed up their flimsy relationship already had he?

“Really?” Snowy locks fell over silvery eyes as they latched on to him expectantly. He sounded breathless.

“Yeah, it was really good. Really expressive. I’m not a literature person but I really, really liked it,” he rambled, hoping to get a positive reaction. Much to his surprise the other boy responded: “You-”

Kaneki was cut off by the lecturer who entered the room, issuing a silence upon the room. Kaneki turned away, picking up his pen and looking attentively towards the board.

The lecture started.

Hide had never felt so frustrated before.

* * *

“Hey, whore?”

Hide looked up in surprise. It wasn’t uncommon for students to be swearing at each other but the venom in the tone was unusual.

He had been studying in the university grounds, shaded by a tree in the sweltering heat. It was better than being in the humidity inside he had decided when he had settled on the bench, spreading his notes. By now he was having second doubts.

“You better be at the gates in an hour. We went easy on you last time, letting you get away.”

Hide wasn’t stupid. Not at all.

However he _was_ curious. His curiosity doubling with his nearly photographic memory that he took a lot of pride in led to a dangerously exciting mixture.

“Talk.”

 That voice rang clear in his head and an unpleasant feeling settled over him.

It didn’t take him long to clear up and reach the larger man who was glaring down at an unfazed snowy haired male. They were unflinchingly glaring at each other, Kaneki’s head thrown back and the taller guy staring down. Both unmoving.

However when Hide neared them the tension seemed to spike.

Seeing Hide appear at the scene Kaneki’s demeanour seemed to change visibly. His shoulders slumped and the eyes that had been holding the other man’s fell to the ground in defeat.

“Alr-”

“Yo! Kaneki! We have that study date today. You’ve kept me waiting ages!” he interjected, turning on his hundred watt smile. Kaneki blinked at him, relief evident on his face mixed with- fear?

He turned to the guy, feigning confusion and then recognition.

“Oh, it’s you again! Heyo! Names Nagachika Hideyoshi, you can call me Hide,” he held out his hand. The guy stared at him in confusion, his dark eyes staring at his hand baffled. Finally he took it.

“Hake.”

Hide wasted no time in shaking it and sending another smile towards the man.

“Nice to meet you, Hake! I’m afraid I have to take Kaneki from you now. We’re already really late.” He took the Kaneki’s hand, not waiting for a reply from Hake, ignoring how frozen it felt and dragging him away from his cornered position. 

* * *

 

He didn’t let go of the hand until they were both out of university grounds and close to his apartment. It had warmed up considerably by now. Kaneki had been silent most of the way, easily being tugged along and not protesting much.

He was slowing now, the silence comfortable.

That is until Kaneki harshly pulled away from him, shoving him a little in the process. He was shockingly strong. He stumbled back a few paces gaining control over his movements and straightening up.

Hide stared at Kaneki surprised.

“Sorry- I didn’t mean to hur-”

“You didn’t.” The words were cold.

“Are you ok-”

“Fine. I’m leaving.”

Hide stared at him, an unusual sinking feeling settling on the pit of his stomach. He _had_ crossed the line doing that. It hadn’t been his right to intervene but it had bothered him so much to see Kaneki being talked to in such a disgusting way. But what if that had been Kaneki’s friend? What if that’s how they conversed?

He had majorly messed up dragging him along with him as if he had some right over him. And that was just so wrong.

“Hake, was he-” he started, trying to make sense of the situation. He had thought he had been helping him but-

“Look, mind your own business. Stay out of my life. I don’t need people like you in it.” Kaneki turned away, his hand grazing his face frustrated. His actions burning themselves into the blonde’s mind.

“Kane-”

“Don’t talk to me.”

He wanted to plead. He felt so desperate, so frustrated that it astonished him. He shouldn’t give a shit. But he did.

“Bu-”

“Look I get it. You’re the new kid who wants to make a bunch of friends. Party through university. Heck, maybe get it off with girls and guys. Get fucked, drink and live the life. But leave me out of it. I’m not as carefree as you. Living a sheltered life, your parents babying you through everything, always having that perfect- I don’t have time for-”

Hide took in a shaky breath, blinking rapidly.

“I get it. You’re an asshole.” Another shaky breath, “Are we done here?” The words were vile on his tongue. No anger in his system.

Kaneki’s eyes grew steely, his lips shaking.

There were a few beats of strained silence and then he raised his head to meet Hide’s eyes.

His expression mostly void of emotion, a smirk curled his lips. The same smirk he had seen on that porcelain face in their first chance encounter in the alleyway.

“Glad you realized.”

* * *

 

One am, Hide sauntered into Anteiku, looking forward to a warm cup of coffee and comfort. However sitting in his seat, looking disgustingly attractive in a black coat, sipping coffee, was Kaneki. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will print out all comments and frame them  
> Thank you so much for reading  
> I also finally got on to the plot
> 
> OTL sorry for the slow updates


	5. I'm trying not show that I don't want you to go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being settled across from the same guy he had called an asshole earlier that day wasn’t in the list of his ideal circumstances but he wasn’t being too picky now was he?
> 
> As soon as he had walked into the shop, followed by that loud chime, he had felt those eyes on him. His own had been transfixed onto Kaneki, and he had very nearly turned on his heel and exited the shop. However, Kaneki had stood up so suddenly that his chair had fallen behind him in a rush.
> 
> “Hide.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fear there are serious continuity issues throughout this  
> This is unbeta-ed so I apologize in advance for the mistakes  
> BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE FEEDBACK IT MEANS SO MUCH  
> IT KEEPS ME SO MOTIVATED

Being settled across from the same guy he had called an asshole earlier that day wasn’t in the list of his ideal circumstances but he wasn’t being too picky now was he?

Ever since this afternoon, he had ran through the whole scenario at least a dozen or more times in his head. He started to recall certain things such as how nearing a certain location Kaneki had started to tense up and how his temperature had started to drop. How, when he had been trying to push him away his voice had shaken at certain moments. How he had kept breaking off.

Or maybe it was just his biased opinion regarding the whole circumstance that was making him make assumptions.

He wasn’t one to push people when it came to things they weren’t comfortable revealing. He _could_ find out about it himself and wait for Kaneki to tell him later.

_If they ever spoke again._

Yes, he was endlessly curious about this guy in particular but that didn’t change the fact that he wouldn’t be running after him, trying to get answers. However fate seemed to decide against his resolve throwing Kaneki into his life once again.

As soon as he had walked into the shop, followed by that loud chime, he had felt those eyes on him. His own had been transfixed onto Kaneki, and he had very nearly turned on his heel and exited the shop. However, Kaneki had stood up so suddenly that his chair had fallen behind him in a rush.

“Hide.”

The blonde watched in surprise as Kaneki froze awkwardly.

“I- I uh-” Kaneki stuttered, his hands were clenched at his sides, his expression torn. Hide pressed his lips into a straight line and purposely walked towards the other boy. Kaneki quickly averted his eyes when Hide reached the table. His hands were shaking and Hide felt a pang of sympathy shoot through him.

Kaneki was so unknowingly expressive, through small almost unnoticeable things. Standing there he looked so _sad._

So he did what he knew best. He grinned widely, leaning over the table:

“Yo,” Kaneki raised his head a little, still avoiding his gaze, “Kaneki.”

* * *

Now, at one thirty am, they were sitting across from each other, sipping coffee. The atmosphere was tense, the silence a constant between them. However something was different. It was as if something had changed once again.

He was watching Kaneki openly and the other was doing the same, their gazes not wavering from each other.

During this time he tried his best to take in the smaller male. Tired grey eyes that were trained on his, dishevelled snowy hair and slender fingers were visible. There was a scarf slung around his neck carelessly, his jacket still on. The look was pulled off flawlessly and Kaneki looked _good._

However the more rational part of his mind was telling him that it was summer and even in the air conditioning of the shop it should have been impossible to wear a jacket. Yet, here was this white haired enigma doing just that.

He took another sip of his coffee, looking around Anteiku.

Surprisingly only one of the servers was visible, and aside from a small group of girls the rest of the shop was empty.

“Kaneki?”

His voice seemed to snap Kaneki out of his thoughts as he visibly jerked when Hide finally spoke up. “Um- Yes?”

He licked his lips before speaking up: “Do you want to talk yet? About you?”

“I’d rather not. I- It’s just that, I barely know you.”

Hide grinned, hopefully looking understanding at the response. There was an odd sort of ache spreading through his chest at Kaneki’s statement and he ignored it. “Yeah that makes sense. But you should-”

His phone rang and he flinched at the sound that echoed loudly in the quiet coffee shop, ruining the hushed atmosphere.

“Uh-sorry,” he mumbled, checking his screen and pressing the reject button without bothering to see who called.

“No problem.” Kaneki mumbled, picking up his drink and gulping it down with alarming speed. Hide watched his Adam’s apple bob and swallowed, quickly averting his eyes. He heard the soft thud of the cup being settled back on the table.

There was a pause.

“I have to go now Hide.”

He turned back to the nervous looking male, smiling. After all this was what he had decided he was waiting for.

He nodded.

“Sure. See ya.”

* * *

Following Kaneki was definitely not a good idea.

But following him to a fucking bar was an atrocious idea. It was a small place in the 14th ward and Hide was seriously starting to question himself and his morals. He didn’t have a restraining order but he might as well get one after this.

Technically speaking, he deserved one.

He hadn’t entered the trashy looking place. Instead he had loitered in a nearby alleyway, occasionally peeking in through the stained windows. It had been too risky tailing Kaneki after he had confidently entered the building. The sound of loud conversation was audible outside, most of it raunchy and obscene.

_He was supposed to have given this guy space!_

But it had been as if Kaneki was begging for someone to help him. It wasn’t like he was going to impose but the incidents starting from what he had witnessed in the alley, to his weird leave-me-alone speech, to him being picked on had set Hide on the edge. He just wanted to _see_ exactly what was going on with him.

And he really didn’t have to wait long before he saw him being led out. Hide watched in awe as Kaneki sauntered out in tight-fitting leather. His whole posture had changed, he seemed more confident, more cold. Rougher.

And oh shit he was turning in the alleyway in which he was stalking him from.

_Oh shit. Oh shit._

He didn’t hesitate before diving behind a dumpster for refuge and sighed in relief when he landed lithely enough to not make too much noise.

He definitely did not want to be caught.

He could only imagine how awkward that conversation would be.

If he peeked from behind where he was hiding he could see some of the scene.

Kaneki seemed to be talking.

“What I do in my free time is none of your business.” There was a shaky finality in his tone, mixed with the detached tone that Hide was starting to recognise.

The response was a sneer and Hide decided he didn’t like the second person in the conversation. From what he could see it was a tall man, lithe, brunette.  

“Tell that to A. She would _not_ be happy.”

A? Seemed like an alias. What kind of work would require an alias? Was Kaneki dealing drugs?

He didn’t get long to ponder on this when the white haired man started speaking again.

“I’m afraid that would be something she’ll have to deal with,” he heard the quieter response. Kaneki sounded genuinely worried by now.

He chewed the inside of his cheek, trying to make sense of the situation.

“Whatever. You’re with only one guy anyway. He paid quite a sum for you.”

“Shuu, I’m assuming?”

Another sneer, this one more contempt filled than the previous.

“Glad you know who you’re dealing with.”

This guy seriously wasn’t pleasant at all was he? There was no further exchange between the two and he breathed through his mouth, listening to the receding footsteps. His mind was racing trying to put the puzzle pieces together. Someone had paid for _Kaneki?!_ What was that supposed to mean? Was he being sold like a slave or…?

_Oh, shit._

He stayed perfectly still knowing that one of the two was still standing in the alleyway. He heard tapping and then the dial tone. Someone was calling someone.

“It’s Tsukiyama Shuu tonight.” It was Kaneki’s voice Hide noted with a mixture of panic and relief. There was a pause as Kaneki listened to the person on the other side.

“Yes, it should be okay.”

Hide gulped, shifting to peek through the slit behind the dumpster. Kaneki was leaning against the wall, facing away, his uncovered back visible, tense. Each flow and curve of muscle was more pronounced through the tight suit.

“No I haven’t seen him.” Silence. “Okay. Yes, I’m sorry.” he sounded defeated, “Yes, I know. Thank you.”

The phone beeped signalling the end of the call and Kaneki turned, his back pressed to the wall, his head hanging.

He looked so tired.

_So alone._

His white locks, swayed softly in the wind, his lips pressed together tightly enough to make it obvious he was biting his jaw.

Hide wanted to run out and comfort him. And woah! That was some sentiment for a guy he was probably stalking for his own morbid curiosity. Yet the feeling _was_ there. However, he wouldn’t be able to do anything. Especially not knowing the situation and not knowing too much about Kaneki.

It seemed to him that Kaneki _was_ his new obsession. While a part of him was desperately trying to convince Hide to give up on this guy that seemed too bitter to be normal. However the more dominant and emotional part of him was pushing him to find out more, help him, be-friend him. His curiosity was out of control and after witnessing what he just had, it seemed that it had only flared up.

Kaneki stayed against the wall for a few more minutes, his hands at his sides, immobile.

He shifted after what seemed like an eternity, however it had probably been five minutes at most. Taking a shuddering breath that wasn’t lost in the sounds coming from inside the bar he eyed the wall opposite him. Then without a second glance over his shoulder he softly walked away.

* * *

“You better have a good fucking reason for waking me at four am you yellow haired shit-head.”

It was always a feeling of relief to be greeted by the familiarity of his apartment. And apparently to him the familiarity had become Nishio’s trash talking.

“I was taking a walk.”

The older man rolled his eyes, his hand on his hip. He didn’t look dishevelled in the slightest. The only evidence that he had been sleeping would have been the pyjamas he was wearing, however even those didn’t look rumpled in the slightest.

“I don’t give a shit what you were doing. You left your fucking key and woke me up.”

“Were you even sleeping Senpai?”

“I told you to stop calling me-”

“Is Hide back, Nishiki?” Kimi’s head poked out from the intersection, and he waved to her cheerfully.

“Right here Kimi,”

“You were out pretty late, Nishiki was worried,” she told him, smiling widely. At that the strawberry blonde man spluttered, turning to his girlfriend and then back to Hide.

“What the fuck! Fuck you Hide.” He jabbed an accusing finger at him, making him break out into a weak grin.

“No thank you, senpai,” he drawled, turning away from the couple.

“Oi, trashichika. Why the fuck were you out so late?”

Hide shrugged, turning back to the two, his smile intact.

“I was looking for trouble, senpai.”

* * *

His classes with Kaneki were getting better and everything seemed to be settling slowly. Two days had passed since he had tailed Kaneki and learned about his mysterious nightly activities.

Which he was still trying to wrap his head around.

He had thought of countless theories concerning exactly what Kaneki was doing, why he had been so upset, what the phone call was about, who was A? But racking his brain over them, nothing seemed to sit well with him.

He just knew that none of it was good.

So instead of pondering over it too much he continued with his happy-go-lucky, life-is-great attitude. After all Kaneki finally seemed ready to talk to him and not treat him like an inanimate object.

“Yo Kaneki.” He set his bag on the desk, sighing. Kaneki raised his head from the book he was reading and nodded in acknowledgement.

“Hello Hide.”

He nearly whistled in delight. _A response!_ Instead he settled for grinning widely, settling beside the white haired boy.

“Whatcha reading?” he asked conversationally, pulling out his hastily scrawled notes and stretching, suppressing his yawn. Kaneki looked up again, his eyes wider, more innocent than he had seen them before. He seemed genuinely at a loss for words.

“I- It’s a compilation of short stories.”

“Oh, cool. By one author or many?” he asked, his interest perked more by Kaneki’s reaction than the actual book.

“They’re all by Kafka,” Kaneki replied quietly, fondly glancing at the weathered book cradled in his arms.

“Which one are _you_ reading?” He _had_ heard the name before. Vaguely. Maybe.

“It’s called ‘The Family Man’. Are you interested in literature, Hide?”

“Maybe, but I’m more of a manga guy. Hey! I know! Why don’t you read literature to me?” he grinned, raising his eyebrows. Kaneki’s own snowy brows seemed to shoot into his hairline at the request, and his grip on his book visibly tightened.

“The- The lecture-”

“Hasn’t started yet?” Hide retorted with a grin, amused by how nervous Kaneki had managed to get at his request. To be fair he was cornering him into doing what he wanted.

“Well- Okay.” He took a deep breath, his eyes returning to his book. Hide waited in anticipation, watching the male take in a deep breath before starting.

“Anything that dies has had some kind of aim in life, some kind of activity, which has worn out; but that does not apply to Odradek.” He paused, looking up at Hide to scan his expression. Hide made a small noise, signalling him to continue. Kaneki seemed to find whatever spark of interest he was searching for and returned to the thin pages. “He does no harm to anyone that one can see; but the idea that he is likely to survive me, I find almost painful.”

Hide was enchanted. Struck by how breath-taking this boy was. How he sounded taking boring words from paper and breathing life into them to make them sound _interesting_. How beautiful they sounded even though they were morbid and _sad._ He was so dumb-struck that he didn’t notice Kaneki looking at him meaningfully.

Oh, had he said something?

“That was pretty cool. Kafka seems like my evil twin,” Hide said, thoughtlessly, his eyes still trained on Kaneki.

Kaneki’s lips twisted upwards and his heart seemed to do a back flip.

“Kafka must be your _dead_ evil twin.”

“We discuss the latest releases of Naruto through the good old Ouija every Friday,” he said, beaming. Kaneki’s smile seemed to stretch a little and he couldn’t help the warmth that spread through him making him almost giddy with happiness.

“I’m sure he’s interested in the life of an energetic blonde,” the white haired boy said dryly, eyeing Hide to make a point exactly _which_ blonde he was referring to.

“Ugh, excuse you.” He joked, lightly nudging Kaneki.

To his surprise, Kaneki hissed, flinching and backing away.

Instinctively he reached out towards him, his hand hovering in the air; too scared to make contact.

“Are you okay?” He asked worriedly, eyeing his arm. Surely he hadn’t hurt him? Kaneki nodded hurriedly, waving his hand reassuringly.

“I’m fine,” he replied, scratching his chin and averting his eyes. Hide nodded in response, opting not to push him. After all he was practically following the guy so he’d probably find out eventually. Turning back to his desk he draped himself over it, yawning and making a big show of stretching.

“I shouldn’t have stayed up late,” he groaned, turning back to Kaneki, who was already watching him with an odd expression on his face. He raised his eyebrows at Kaneki and the snowy haired boy quickly broke eye contact again.

“Drinking coffee that late?”

Hide grinned.

“Yeah, something like that.”

* * *

 

They were eventually informed about the cancellation of their lecture by a janitor who seemed to take pity on the two.

Both exited the lecture hall side by side, with Hide chattering continuously about anything and everything. However, the best part? Kaneki was actually listening to him and occasionally contributing a little. It was odd. One moment it seemed to him like the white haired boy was opening up, the other he’d be closed off and rude, acting completely aloof. Either way he wasn’t being put off so easily. After all, the guy _had_ apologized for his rude behaviour. Sort of.

He’d take what he’d get. And Kaneki was just too interesting to let go of.

“And then I fell and my roommate stepped on me. He called me a shitty doormat for the next week. It was so painful,” he complained, rubbing his head recalling the incident. Nishiki could seriously act like such a hard ass sometimes. “That’s really rough,” Kaneki murmured sympathetically, looking around them.

“Man, you have no idea!” He exclaimed, noting Kaneki’s obvious discomfort.

Was he looking for someone? Was he supposed to meet someone? Or was it the opposite, was he avoiding someone?

“Hide!”

“Hey Hide!”

He turned surprised to the sound of his own name and he saw the guys from his international studies class running towards him. He raised his hand in greeting, grinning widely.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” he asked them cheerfully as they reached him. They were both panting, the taller one doubled over.

“Man, the festival committee president was going to eat our heads. She told us if you miss the meeting again you’re gonna be in deep shit.” Yuto told him, mock sternly. Hide scratched his cheek, smiling sheepishly.

“Oh man, sorry. I’ve been so busy with my job. But tell her I’ll be there! I’ll even help with the decorations,” he offered, tilting his head. The smaller, Haruto, nodded, agreeing easily. “Dude, we were gonna go out for this really cool movie and Yuto was shitting himself cause it was horror and you should co-”

He trailed off, growing deathly pale when he noticed Kaneki’s presence. Kaneki himself seemed to be radiating discomfort at the appearance of the two. Hide immediately noted the spike in tension, rubbing the back of his head.

“Me and Kaneki were just about to go grab some coffee,” he lied, grinning at the two widely.

Their eyes seemed to widen simultaneously and Hide fought to suppress a grin at their comical expressions. It was obvious that something about Kaneki’s prescence seemed automatically off putting to them. Maybe Kaneki had offended them in some way as well?

It did seem to be a recurring trend as things went.

After all it didn’t seem too hard to find Kaneki’s hot and cold, mostly cold, behaviour offensive and rude. He continued to grin at them, waiting for a reply but they both seemed utterly dumbfounded.

“Uh- y-yeah. Have fun Hide!” Yato sputtered, grabbing Haruto’s arm and tugging him away from the two. Once again he found himself struggling to hold back his laughter. He didn’t bother waiting for them to disappear from his line of sight before quickly turning back to Kaneki who was watching them intently.

His face seemed completely indifferent, his eyes like steel. Hide didn’t say anything, just waited for Kaneki to turn away from them, watching the snowy haired man in the meantime.

Surely the way his hands held to his sweater so tightly meant something. Meant he _felt_ something after that exchange.

Finally- _finally_ , Kaneki turned to Hide. He didn’t say anything, his eyes averted, his nervous mannerism returning.

“Shall we?” Hide took initiative, gesturing to their original path and Kaneki nodded jerkily in acknowledgement. They fell back to their original pace, with Hide talking about pointless things and Kaneki giving him small signs of acknowledgement. He was contributing less now; a barrier seemed to have sprung up after Haruto and Yato had ran from them and Hide mentally cursed at them for having appeared at all.

Yet, he also saw this as a chance to find out more about Kaneki. They obviously knew something he didn’t and he’d take anything he could to learn more about this guy.

God, this obsession was becoming unhealthy. 

* * *

 

Turns out him and Kaneki weren’t going to coffee.

He was called into work and he had to regretfully leave the white haired boy much earlier than he would have liked.

He entered the small office and was instantly greeted by mayhem. There seemed to be people rushing around, gathering sheets of paper, making phone calls and whatnot. He felt out of place standing around waiting for his superior’s to arrive so pulling up his bag strap he quickly navigated to his senior’s office.

“Akira-san?” he asked, reaching her small room, and knocking on the open door to get her attention. She turned to him, in the middle of donning her coat.

“What’s going on?” He asked her, inexplicably nervous. She shrugged it on, buttoning it up hastily.

“There have been two murders through out the course of the day. Both bodies were found recently.”

She reached for her desk drawer and pulled out a gun, inspecting it.

“Why was I called in?”

Seemingly satisfied with the weapon, she looked up at him. Her eyes piercing.

“Director’s orders are for you to accompany us to the field today.”

She slid the gun into the holster, the action ringing finality through his whole being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OTL i apologize for the slow updates but im just starting uni  
> once again thank you for reading  
> (´∀｀)♡


	6. All I want to do is cry and complain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide felt sick. Sick with worry, sick at what he had seen. Sick and nervous at the fact that he had a file with classified information in his bag that he could probably be arrested for possessing. It seemed to be burning a hole through the thin fabric and every time Akira or Amon looked at him he was sure they knew.
> 
> But how could they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for the feedback as always.  
> I've been super busy with work and what not and had a horrible writer's block.  
> If this chapter is extra bad, there is your reason.  
> Hope you enjoy the slight plot progression. <3  
> Much love.

Weeping was a luxury he couldn’t get used to. He had known that. He was very well aware of it. He didn’t need anyone else to tell him that he shouldn’t cry. He chose to ignore the words that followed; _it’ll be okay._

It would never be okay.

He’d lost one guardian after the other. How could anyone tell him it would be okay?

He’d lost the right to live normally. How could they tell him it would be fine?

He’d lost his humanity.

_How dare they tell him it was okay?_

It was never going to be okay.

The click of his jaw echoed in the empty room as he gazed hollowly into the distance. What a pitiful wreck he had become. Empty and alone.

No amount of pity would be able to fix him.

Brown eyes flashed into his mind, and just as quickly disappeared. He wrapped his arms around himself tighter.

_It never would be okay._

* * *

Hide felt sick. Sick with worry, sick at what he had seen. Sick and nervous at the fact that he had a file with classified information in his bag that he could probably be arrested for possessing. It seemed to be burning a hole through the thin fabric and every time Akira or Amon looked at him he was sure they knew.

But how could they?

Akira had left him alone for a few minutes to attend a phone call and he had seen the file lying neglected under other documents. Reading the cover he had picked it up. The contents had left him frozen, confused and worried. At hearing the clacking of Akira’s heels he had panicked and out of desperation shoved it in his bag. At her arrival he had been inspecting his nails with surprising intensity.

Exactly twenty minutes later, garbed in a grey jacket imprinted with the CCG logo, he was being driven to the crime scene by his seniors. He wasn’t nervous about the crime investigation, more so about the file he had ‘borrowed.’

Sifting through his past few days he realized he had been almost floating through them. It seemed to him that he was so wrapped up in trying to unravel the constant mysteries surrounding _him_ that he hadn’t really thought about how in touch he was with reality. Was he even truly feeling anything that wasn’t related to his latest obsession? When had he thrown himself into this so completely that _that_ had started to become the main recurring thought in his head? He let out a frustrated sigh earning an odd look from Seidou, who was similarly clad in professional looking CCG uniform.

“Nervous Nagachika-san?”

Hide grinned.

It was obvious that out of the two the more nervous one was Seidou. Hide had been with the man enough to figure out his slight quirks and habits, and the brunette with his constant fidgeting and barely controlled shaking hands was making it too easy for Hide to sense his anxiety. However that seemed to get him to actually question the nature of this small trip. Was it going to be so dangerous that his superior had reason to be worried about it? Weren’t they just going to investigate a crime scene?

“Not with you here Seidou-san,” he enthused, watching the smaller man glance at him with a barely noticeable smile. Seidou quickly turned away huffing.

“There’s nothing to be worried about anyway!”

“I’m not worried though!” he sang, trying to sound convincing, “Seidou-san will protect me!”

Seidou shot him a look over his shoulder, and Hide smiled widely. The man was definitely looking a bit better, slightly confident. That was a good sign. However he was still stuck wondering what had been so bad that it had gotten Seidou to react like that? He decided he would find out soon enough and satisfied, sat back humming loudly.

The car ride was a grave affair, there wasn’t much said and the silence hung with a heavy tension. Occasionally he would try to crack a joke or point out something amusing but there wasn’t much of a reaction. By the time they had reached their destination he felt just as wound up as Seidou had looked.

The area was sealed with the bright police tape that he had always seen in movies. There was a large gathering of police cars there and smaller civilian gathering being kept at bay by a few officers. As soon as his superiors stepped onto the scene a police officer jogged over. Reaching them Hide could see how anxious he looked, large beads of sweat rolling down his face.

“What’s the report so far, officer?” Amon questioned, after showing him his badge. The man seemed to gulp before answering, his eyes taking in the whole team, resting on him a second too long. Probably wondering why a guy his age was with CCG investigators. He quickly settled for looking at Amon, his expression determined.

“The fingers have been, it seems, pulled off on both bodies. One of the bodies is missing teeth and has been poisoned. The second one,” he grimaced, “has been mutilated. Some of the organs seemed to be missing.” Amon, sensing the officer’s distress led him away from the other three, thanking him for the good work and asking him a few more questions.

Watching them Hide couldn’t help but notice how tired the officer looked, how his shoulders drooped. How Kaneki’s shoulders always drooped. How he looked so tired all the time but seemed to be determined enough to get through the day. He shook his head trying to dispel the thoughts from his head. He couldn’t think of him right now. No. Not now.

“Nagachika!” His head shot up at the sound of his superior calling his name. Akira was gesturing to him from the distance.

Mustering up a sunny smile he ran to her.

* * *

“Those are numbers.” He pointed out, causing Akira to raise an eyebrow at him.

They had reached an area about twenty meters from the initial crime scene, the whole place surrounded by police tape. The ground was like any other road in Tokyo except for one difference. This one was stained red. Properly stained red with the crimson haphazardly covering majority of the grey.

It was horrifying to imagine how much someone would have bled for this.

“Thank you for your insight Nagachika,” she told him coolly, eyeing the general area he had pointed towards. He ignored her sarcasm, noting the way her eyes narrowed as they latched onto the crudely carved numbers on the ground. A faint ‘8’ could be seen, the rest of the numbers or letters were incomprehensible; most of them oddly murky and dirty.

“Looks like someone has tried to cover up behind themselves,” Seidou said, following his train of thought and touching the fresh dirt on the ground. He rubbed some between his gloved fingers staring at it intently, as if it would lead him to the culprit. Hide sighed, putting his arms behind his head and shifting his weight to his other foot.

“The culprit etched numbers in the ground around his victim? So serial killer stuff right?” He questioned, turning to Akira. Or maybe the victim had did it. He kept his mouth shut staring intently at Akira.

“It may seem so. This is quite similar to the case with-” she stopped abruptly, turning to Seidou. They seemed to share a look, oblivious to the fact that Hide was watching them knowingly.

“We should regroup with Amon.”

He nodded, trying his best to look confused and understanding. Knitting his eyebrows together to form the most concerned expression he could, the one that always gained him sympathy he nodded once more. They bought it immediately, turning away from him, their body language wary but not too wound up.

With his mind racing, he followed Akira and Seidou, sparing another glance at the taunting etchings on the ground.

Eight, huh.

His fist clenched at his side he turned away.

* * *

He was floating. He was in eternal bliss in these moments.

Nobody knew him. Nobody could discern him from anyone else. In this place he was safe from everyone.

He rested his head back against the wall, his eyes closed. The thudding in his head was a distant distraction.

Was it odd to be so _tired_? Not just physically, but emotionally? In every sense he was exhausted. He hated fake people. He hated it when people were mean to him and he acted like a struck cat if they were nice to him.

He despised it.

He absolutely despised this world.

It was wrong.

Everyone was wrong.

However, he was the most wrong.

He despised himself the most.

He breathed out through his mouth, the room ringing eerily from the sound.

“Ken!” The sour voice jolted him and his eyes flew open.

The world was so wrong.

He staggered to his feet, using the wall as balance for his sore muscles.

Everyone was wrong.

“You better not be wasting time being useless again.”

Everyone judged him.

Useless;

Worthless;

Scary;

Weak;

_Weak._

Except _him_.

 _He_ had shown no judgement. Just open honesty, in those big brown eyes.

Then he had gone and messed that up.

They were just awkward acquaintances now.  

He took a few steps forward, swaying on his feet.

The door slammed open and he immediately straightened, pushing himself away from the wall. When his eyes focused on the scene before him he was hit with how atmospheric everything looked. The flowers in her dark hair, the white dress, the flowers sewn on – Zephyranthes- and the pattern of wormwood, her beautiful, _cruel_ eyes fixed on him. She looked like strength.

But she never had been.

He raised his eyes to hers.

“I’m coming Aunt.” 

* * *

“You rushed off quite quickly yesterday,” Kaneki murmured, as he slid into the chair beside him. He nearly jolted upon hearing the white haired boy addressing him. For a second it felt like he was soaring.

Then the contents of the file he had briefly and very _illegally_ scanned flashed through his head killing his two second high. He gulped.

“It was this whole load of work stuff,” he realized too late how tight his voice sounded. “I mean, man, everyone was being super uptight. It was really cool though!”

Hopefully Kaneki wouldn’t end it there. Or notice his slip up. Much to his relief he caught the slight spark of curiosity in the other boy’s eyes. He grinned widely.

“What was happening?” his voice was hushed, his silver eyes not meeting his own.

“We went to a crime scene. It was really cool actually, but there was a lot of blood.” Hide said it casually enough, eyeing Kaneki who seemed to go as pale as his hair at his statement. A shaky laugh escaped Kaneki and he tried to suppress his guilt.

After all he had only said that to see his reaction. Now with the sick feeling settling at the pit of his stomach he wished he hadn’t.

“You okay?” the blonde asked, tilting his head and inching closer to the other male. Kaneki raised his eyes to meet his briefly, and just as quickly let his bangs fall over them, turning his head.

He lifted his hand to rub his chin almost unconsciously. “Yeah, just- the thought of blood makes me queasy.” He watched the uneasy curve of that mouth quietly, committing it to memory, because God knows that may be a hint on Kaneki’s body language.

He wasn’t admiring that cute mouth. Nope.

Well that had been an odd thought.

Either way the contents of that file were firmly implanted in his mind and he was getting a bad feeling from the conclusions his mind was coming to.

“That makes sense! Anyway, did you manage to go over the notes? Like Asian History is seriously dragging me through a meat grinder.”

“Yeah, it’s alright,” his voice was hollow.

He still looked shook up from Hide’s more than casual comment about the crime scene. This, to his personal distaste, was making too many puzzle pieces click into place. Still, Kaneki Ken was a mystery yet.

The lecturer walked into the class and everyone turned to their notes.

Kaneki’s eyes met his for a brief moment and he could feel his heart clenching.

Kaneki’s voice wasn’t the only thing that was hollow.

* * *

“Let me get this bullshit straight? You’re saying you’re tired?!” Hake shouted at him, shaking his fist in his face. He knew his expression would be completely blank, impassive. After all it was true he really didn’t care about whatever wrong Hake thought he had committed.

It he recalled clearly he had been accused of sleeping with this guy’s _father?_ His stomach turned at the thought, a feeling of shaky disgust overtaking him.

He was a monster.

“ _You’re_ tired?! You useless piece of fucking shit.” Hake grabbed him by his collar pulling him forward.

He was right. He was useless.

He was so tired.

_Maybe you should let Hake beat you to pulp and let it end there._

Leave him there to prove he had nothing. No strength left.

“I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can say.” He tried to go for the softest tone of voice he could muster. It came out more sarcastic than he wanted.

Hake hit him, a dull thudding ringing in his ears. His pain muted by the blood rushing through his ears.

He deserved this.

“When I’m done with you, that annoying Nagachika brat is next.”

His thoughts froze.

Another punch, and this time he felt it. The stinging sensation against his cheek and to his surprise he hissed in pain, struggling in the guy’s grip.

“That got you the fuck fired up. Guess it’s scary huh, you slut?”

“ _Shut the fuck up.”_

Before he knew what was happening he hit a wall. His head was spinning. He really shouldn’t have exerted himself yesterday.

“We know about you, eye patch. We know what you’re doing. You, you’re a dead man.”  He heard something un-zip and the sick feeling grew stronger.

“But before I kill you; Why don’t _you_ shut the fuck up? Go out in style like the slut you are.”  

He knew what was coming.

He was getting closer. He squeezed his eyes shut. Could he fight this? Was this his punishment?

He deserved this.

Hake grabbed his chin.

He felt sick.

_He felt sick._

“Kaneki?”

_No._

Not now of all fucking times.

A surge of gratitude ran through him, clouded by fear.

Hake moved away from him and he let out a breath of air he didn’t know he had been holding.

“Nagachika, glad you could join us.” The voice was sickly sweet.

Hide was going to get hurt because of him. He raised his head to look at the vibrant boy and his breath caught at Hide’s expression. It looked steely, an almost feral smile coating his lips.

“Heya, Hina, was it?” He wrapped his hands behind his head, casually striding towards them. He looked like he didn’t have a care in the world. He looked like a cat approaching it’s prey.

“You’re a dead man, Nagachika.”

Hide laughed lightly seeming genuinely amused.  

“Boy, the number of times I’ve heard that.”

Neither of them saw it coming when Hake threw that first punch, thank fully for Hide he managed to move out of the way with a mildly clipped cheek. Hide’s grin didn’t waver for a second.

“Weak hook, bro.”

Hake swung again and Kaneki seemed to see red.

He didn’t know when he had gotten off the ground or when he had crossed the distance between himself and Hake. Nor did he understand how his fist made contact with the taller man’s nose.

Hake fell back, clutching his nose and glaring at him angrily.

“Fuck.”

His breath was coming out ragged.

“Hide leave please.”

“But-”

He looked at Hide, and the other must have seen something on his face as he vouched to slowly turn away from him. He flashed a smile in his direction and it was as if all his worries melted for a brief moment. He hated that smile.

“See you in the lecture tomorrow Kaneki.”

Hake had dropped his hands to his side when Kaneki turned back to him, blood coating his nose.

Then he did what he had to; holding the memory of that stupid smile in his head all through-out the gruesome affair.

* * *

“So you’re telling me, that you can’t do anything for him _again?_ ” he heard her shout, just as the bell rang announcing his presence. The usually calm atmosphere of the shop was largely disrupted by Touka who was glaring at the kindly looking elderly man. The graceful way he held his ground was almost astonishing, and Hide coughed awkwardly to break the two out of their stare-down.

Touka turned away first, looking slightly taken aback to see him standing there.

“Oh, Hide. You want to take a seat?” she said, her demeanour switching lightening fast to an almost concerned one. He nodded, grinning at her sheepishly.

Thankfully, there weren’t many customers at this time which was perfect for him. He didn’t exactly want to be around when Nishiki and Kimi carried out doing _adult_ things.

He shuddered at the mental image and followed Touka to a small table, sighing thankfully as he sank into the chair. She sat across from him, looking pensive, eyeing his cut.

“What?” he asked her, crossing his arms across the table. She leaned forward, her eyes on him. Almost unconsciously she picked up the salt bottle and started to spin it between her fingers. His eyes were drawn to the small cuts on her hands.

“Are you okay?” she asked him, raising her eyes to his and he managed a weak smile. It was sweet honestly, knowing that someone like Touka cared. It was sweeter to see that she was actually worried about him. As difficult as it could be to put up with her mood swings, these small slip ups in her tough exterior that showed that she cared made putting up with any amount of trash talking and swearing worth it.

“I’m fine. I have a question though.”

He was going to be straight with her. He wasn’t going to beat around the bush. Nor was he going to manipulate her into giving him answers.

Touka’s eyebrows furrowed, causing the crease between them to grow prominent.

“What?”

She seemed uneasy.

“Does Kaneki Ken work here?”

Her face blanched and she stared at him for a few seconds. He watched her patiently as she cast a look around the mostly empty coffee shop. _Who would be here after 1am anyway?_ Then turning back to him she fixed her burning gaze on him.

“Hide.”

He leaned forward, the promise of information more tempting then ever.

“Kaneki Ken doesn’t exist.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Card Eight-When Strength appears in reverse it does not indicate that you are not strong; on the contrary, it indicates typically that there is more strength in you and in your immediate situation than you are likely to be seeing at this time.  
> Wormwood-Bitterness  
> Zephyranthes - Jealousy


	7. You're ripped at every edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anything that ever mattered had been an act. And why shouldn’t it be? After all he was an act.
> 
> The worst part was that he was best at fooling himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There are implications of unpleasant happenings in the following chapter  
> This is mostly from Kaneki's perspective.  
> Enjoy

‘What?’ he croaked, staring at her grave face dumb-struck.  She flinched, her face struggling to stay impassive. He hadn’t seen her looking so vulnerable before. Not in front of him anyway. Not for a while.

He remembered the last time had been when he was around five and she had stood as still as a statue, telling him that it was a good thing she was leaving because she just dragged him into stupid shit anyway. He also remembered himself staring at her in confusion and a few minutes passing before she leapt into his arms; shaking and just unbearably sad.

It felt like that now. Any moment she would leap into his arms and tell him what hurt her. Who hurt her? Who left her? After all abandonment was the biggest thing that affected this brave, beautiful girl in front of him.

“Kaneki Ken, doesn’t exist,” she repeated, glaring at him, daring him to say something. He knew that look, he knew the challenge it held in it, however, unluckily for Touka he wasn't going to be backing down. No. He needed answers.

He needed to know.  

A more logical part of him constantly questioned why he was doing this. For whom? Why was he dragging himself through so much trouble? Why was he hurting people he genuinely cared about?

Was it really just to get answers?

Of course it wasn’t. However a part of him just wasn’t ready to face what it was that was compelling him.

Yet another part of him already knew.

“Touka, what did he do?” Blunt. Just like that.

He could see the blind rage that swept across her face; the worry, sadness, sorrow being pushed down by anger. He really wasn’t ready to be punched again, his face still throbbing from the previous assault.

“Fuck you Nagachika, he’s bad news,” she growled, slamming her hands on the table, causing it to shake violently. He blinked at her unfazed and she glared at him, her breathing hitched.

“Look Touka. We both know if you don’t tell me I’m going to go out and look for him. Find answers,” he watched a series of expressions flit across her face as she came to terms with what he was implying. It was like watching someone flicking through multiple channels on TV as quickly as possible. He had been too harsh with her.

“I’m sorry for pushing this on you at such a bad time. But-“

“Your curiosity is shitty.”

She was scowling now, her anger tempered down. This was his chance.

He grinned, leaning forward.

“Humour me.”

She fell into the chair across from him, sighing exasperatedly.

* * *

 

He smiled to himself quietly. The wind was blowing in the most soothing manner possible, its soft hands caressing his hair. It was a reassuring feeling, probably one of the few he felt in his life time. His thoughts were a mess but mostly that stupid smile was stuck in them. His jaw ached from smiling at nothing after the numerous times he’d imagined that expression. It had been for him.

And it felt oddly intimate.

“Fuck you Nagachika, he’s bad news.” He paused, his hand on the door handle. He could hazily see Touka’s back. She was talking to Hide? He was there again?

Was she talking about _him?_

To Hide?

That would mean that Hide would find out? _About him?_ He gulped and slowly turned away, making sure not to draw attention to himself.

The feeling of euphoria disappearing almost instantly.

Had he really thought he had a chance at happiness?

His heart was hammering in his chest, the dim lighting in the street barely making the pavements visible in the shadows of the night.

Then he ran as fast as he could.

 _He didn’t care._  

* * *

“Don’t talk to him Yuuichi.”

He didn’t care.

“Don’t take his things either!”

He didn’t care at all.

“He’s lain with men, why are you going near him?!” she cried, her voice as shrill as ever.

Didn’t care.

“Trying to act perfect but he’s a leech.”

Did not care.

_Why did she do this?_

“Perverted brat.”

_He had to do it! She made him do it…_

“Whore.”

He _was_ a whore.

“Burden.”

_He was ruining their lives._

“Weak.”

He didn’t care.

_He didn’t care._

But of course he did. He cared too much. He felt _sick_ because he cared about _her_ approval. He _still_ cared for her approval. No matter how much he tried to push the disgusting thought out of his mind he still aimed to get on her good side. And he hated this. How could he do this to himself?

To his _real_ mother who was still holding on for dear life?

“Go to your room, I can’t stand you anymore.”

He did, breathing a sigh of relief at being dismissed. Standing in the middle of the large house he felt like an oddity, like a stain in the perfection of the walls, floor and furniture that surrounded him.

Sick. He had felt sick.

The emptiness of his own room made him feel whole again, the sparseness reminding him of this being what he deserved. Sliding onto the edge of his bed he closed his eyes.

The sinking feeling that Hide would know was making him sick. The thought of how he would react was terrifying. He shook his head instantly.

No. He didn’t care.

He _shouldn’t_ care. And he most definitely could not afford to care.

He had been a horrible person to the energetic blonde before and he just wasn’t going to overturn his shit and pull him into his life any more. Not that Hide would want to be involved anymore.

 _However, he seems to try for you,_ A small voice in the back of his head provided.

Because he was curious about him, and he wouldn’t be the first. So what if Hide still wanted to talk to him after knowing? He couldn’t be around him.

_He couldn’t._

_Could he?_

There was the story he always thought of when he felt particularly torn. ‘The Snow  Queen’ by Hans Christian Anderson. Not only was the small book with the soft pages a source of comfort but he always found parallels with himself and the snow queen. They both seemed to be incapable of loving; they both brought a curse upon those that they were around.

They both were so alone.

They both were conflicted about themselves regarding people.

He probably wasn’t the first to wonder why the snow queen wasn’t fully appreciated as a character that possibly couldn’t have been wholly evil. Surely there must have been a reason for her going after Kai. Surely there must have been some sort of comfort she must have found in the boy’s presence, and then the horror and bitterness she must have felt inside when she saw how lifeless she had made him.

He found a moral from the Snow Queen. He wouldn’t do what she had done. He would learn from her mistakes. He wouldn’t let anyone close to him.

Not even the sunshine that could melt his frozen heart, because he would be more likely to freeze than melt.

* * *

He hated this part. The soft touches on his body, the gentle, gentle manner he treated him in. He hated how he responded to the touches the most.

It was disgusting.

_So was he._

“You seem not as interested today, Kaneki-kun.” His eyes flicked to the violet ones, and he shook his head. He wouldn’t be able to lie to him, not at all.

_He could try._

“I am, Tsukiyama.”

He nearly gasped when he felt the others lip returning to his neck without hesitance at his quick reply. He hated the shivers of pleasure travelling through his body at the slightly rougher treatment. That’s how it always was. A building crescendo, getting more and more unbearable each time. He felt fingers moving down his frame slowly, wincing as they traced previous cuts and bruises, and finally resting on his thighs.

“Lie back, mon cher.” His voice was soft. It was always soft.

He scuttled back, slowly lowering himself back onto the soft sheets. He closed his eyes anticipating what was coming next. It almost felt as if he was new to this.

It _did_ feel new each time.

He felt the soft fabric covering his already closed eyes, tightening around his head. Soon his hands were bound and his breaths were growing shallower and shallower.

It didn’t take long to make him into a squirming wreck, it took even less time to make him scream, and gasp and beg.

Finally he saw himself, reflected in his mind, looking fucked out of his mind. He could taste the blood in his throat.

He hated himself.

* * *

“He worked here for a while,” she started grudgingly, casting a superstitious glance over her shoulder as if he would appear there through mere mention alone. Hide nodded, smiling softly at her, urging for her to go on. She had picked up the salt shaker once again and was staring at it intently.

“How the fuck do you even know him?” she ground out all of a sudden.

“Kamii,” he said, still smiling understandingly.

She let out a loud sigh, placing the salt back on the table with a soft thud. “God damn, you’re so fucking troublesome.”

He grinned weakly.

“He used to always be at Anteiku about the time I moved; he was a shy, naïve brat,” her tone had taken an almost robotic tone, as if she was reading off paper. The under current of anger was still there. “Yoriko, she seemed to get along with him quite well and sometimes he would help us with literature. It wasn’t like any of us _cared._ Whether he was there or not made no difference at the time _._ ”

She huffed, and he took her hands encouragingly, half expecting her to pull away immediately. Instead she entwined their fingers slowly.

“He was reserved and- Whatever- He worked here, always odd timed shifts. Then Yoshimura, the boss, kicked him out,”

Her hands were squeezing his: “He must have royally fucked up you know. Yoshimura has the patience of a fucking saint.”

He squeezed her hand back, rubbing his thumb in encouraging circles.

“Touka,” she met his eyes from across the table. He knew his expression would be openly asking for her cooperation. And she had told him a lot, and while it fit what he already knew, he needed to know _her_ connection with Kaneki. Why she had been so shaken.

Her mouth pressed itself into a sharp line and she looked away angrily.

“We’re done here.” She pulled her hands out of his.

“I’m sorry.”

Why had he done that? How stupid could he get?

“Stay away from him.”

* * *

Two fingers were in his mouth and he was gagging. Sweat was rolling down his forehead but in contrast to that it was cold, goose bumps prickling his bare skin. He wanted to keep his eyes open but it was hard, with the pressure being applied between his legs he felt like he was losing his mind.

He felt so dirty.

The hands pulled back quickly and he gulped, shakily trying to get a breath of air. He hated these tacky motel rooms. Too late, he realized he had voiced his thoughts out loud.

“Its okay babe, next time we’ll get something more lavish,” he didn’t bother replying, after all he couldn’t. He was being treated like a rag doll after all.

Too bad he hadn’t fallen apart yet.

There were muffled screams from room number seventeen.

Of course, no one listened.

* * *

“Are you able to help tonight, Kaneki kun?” the soft voice asked. His body was screaming in protest, his hips agonized. His back felt like it would break any moment.

“Yes, of course, I’ll be there shortly.” He didn’t know how he managed to keep his voice so steady when all he wanted to do was scream out at the man. He knew he wouldn’t do that, he couldn’t do that. Yoshimura was his only source of comfort. He couldn’t lash out at him too.

The phone clicked shut and he sighed, immediately pulling the mask to his face, the comfortable smell of leather engulfing him. He could do this.

He started walking, allowing his mind to wander away from the wound that was him. He breathed softly, the sound louder within the mask.

He just needed to get to Anteiku. After all worse come to worst there would be a lot of blood.

* * *

 

It was six am when he finally sat down beside the slight frame of the kindly looking woman. He took in a shaky breath upon seeing her face, the kind set of her mouth encased by an oxygen mask.

She looked better, he told himself. She did.

He wanted to touch her but he felt disgusting. He couldn’t dirty someone so otherworldly and kind. He loved her too much to taint her.

“I’ve paid the fee, mom.”

There was predictably no response, but for some reason this seemed to bother him much more than it should have.

“And Aunt Asaoka is doing pretty well too. She seems happier, kinder.”

His mouth felt bitter, his saliva tasting of bile. When was the last time he ate anyway? Did he need to eat? No, that would be worrisome after all.

Maybe he could spend the night with his mother.

He couldn’t dirty her presence with himself. He _was_ a whore after all.

He stood up swaying on his feet,

 

“And yet with neither love nor hate,

Those stars like some snow-white

Minerva’s snow-white marble eyes

Without the gift of sight.”

 

As empty as he felt he couldn’t get it out of his mind. He was hurting and absolutely no one cared. Another part of him niggled that that possibly couldn’t be a correct sentiment and he was a pathetic for believing something so easily. But how could he not end up torn over his feelings? He was scared that every nice, good thing anyone had ever said to him had been an act. Anything that ever mattered had been an act. And why shouldn’t it be? After all he was an act.

 

The worst part was that he was best at fooling himself.

He left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roman goddess Minerva-Virgin goddess of music, poetry, wisdom, and magic.  
> Card Seventeen- The Star beckons for you to keep hope alive.  
> 'Star' by Robert Frost- 'There is a sense that someone is dying, and as he nears his death, he gazes at the distant stars, realizing he will never attain that for which he longed his whole life, be it artistic expression or unrequited love.'


	8. I'd rather fuel a fantasy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He had royally fucked up everything today. All for what?
> 
> Kaneki?
> 
> And why did Kaneki matter?
> 
> Because he wanted to know him more? Because he wanted to be friends with him?
> 
> Falling back onto his bed he scoffed at his own logic.
> 
> It was infatuation obviously.

“Hey Nishio senpai.” He set his bag down, gazing around the small apartment tiredly. Realizing no one was there he let his smile drop, dragging himself to his room. Every inch of him felt exhausted and he just wanted to sleep. To forget about how shitty the day had been.

How he had probably pissed off two people, and also committed a crime against the CCG. He sighed exasperatedly and settled at the edge of his bed. Absently, he wondered where Nishiki was at this late hour. Glancing to the small clock on his table he realized it was three am.

He had royally fucked up everything today. All for what?

Kaneki?

And why did Kaneki matter?

Because he wanted to know him more? Because he wanted to be friends with him?

Falling back onto his bed he scoffed at his own logic.

It was infatuation obviously. It was the thought of making him smile, the thought of hearing soft words leave that mouth that was pushing him to do this. Maybe. However he had so much going on. Kaneki’s file had revealed about as much.

Sluggishly he pushed himself to his feet to retrieve his bag which held the offending object. He stared at it tiredly before pulling it out of his bag, and staring blankly at the messy scrawl at the front; naming it confidential, which made the consequences of his actions so much worse. He needed to read it properly. He needed to see if he had conjured the words. If it _was_ as bad as he recalled.

Taking a deep breath, he opened it with shaky fingers and blurry eyes.

* * *

 

“Yo Kaneki,” he grinned brightly, his heart was in his throat as he said those words. Kaneki sat in his chair, hunched over, the perfect picture of exhaustion. He seemed to jolt at his greeting and turned to him. He looked bone-tired, his eyes bloodshot, his lips dry.

“Hi,” he replied, his voice unsure, hushed.

_Kidnapped at the age of thirteen. Victim claims to have been kidnapped after a transaction of sorts. Occurred around the same time as the disappearance of Rize Kamishiro. Seems to be distinct links between the two cases. Victim still in shock, unable to stay conscious for more than thirty minutes- as recorded._

He grinned wider, forcing himself to make it more real. More sunny. Trying to push down the contents of the file that had firmly etched themselves into his mind.

“You aren’t reading today?” he asked, pulling out his notes. Kaneki seemed to shrink into himself even further at his words. He looked up at him, quickly averting his eyes. Was that a bruise on his lip?

“I-” he hesitated, “I’m tired.”

His heart went out to the smaller boy at that moment. He wanted to grab him by his shoulders and pull him to himself. Somehow comfort him.

_Found after a year. Crime scene was covered in blood and etchings of numbers were found. Victim in critical condition- responds strongly to the mention of the numbers on scene. Immediate family were unable to be contacted; further investigation has revealed single parent family status, Mother is terminally ill. Closest family contacted, Mother’s sister. They have agreed to take over care for the person in question. Benefits and funds will be provided for help from state._

Even with the knots in his stomach, that held him at the verge of nausea, he wanted to push them down and do something for him.

At least he was beginning to accept this feeling now.

_It was Marie Antoinette Syndrome. The alarming change in appearance, was caused by this rare occurrence. Cause: Treatment in the duration of disappearance- facts still not fully confirmed._

“Wanna skip class?” he threw out the suggestion as casually as he could manage, stretching over the desk and yawning. He immediately prepared himself for Kaneki’s offended; ‘No,’ or; ‘Are you out of your mind?’ Instead he was greeted with silence.

Then he heard a breathless:

“Yes. Let’s leave.”

_Found chained, bloody and immobile, on the verge of death. Signs of molestation. Victim seems to show symptoms of PTSD, and other anxiety disorders. Facts best left unrecalled as instructed by medical experts/ Victim claims to hold minimal recollection of events._

He looked up to the snowy haired boy to see those grey eyes shining like molten silver.

_Case- Discontinued._

* * *

They ended up in a children’s park, the silence oddly comfortable between the two of them as they walked to their destination. Throughout the walk he couldn’t help but be hyperaware of how close they were walking to each other; their hands almost brushing. If he reached out he would most certainly be able to grasp it in his own. When they reached their destination, it was mostly empty, probably due to the early hour. He was sure it would fill up within the next two hours. Without much having to be said, consecutively it was decided that they would sit on the oddly shaped whale in the middle of the park. Kaneki pulled himself up with cat-like grace while Hide sauntered ahead.

Thankfully it was a sunny day, but with a cool breeze blowing. It was one of those rare perfect sunny days, where it wasn’t too hot and not too cold. The birds were chirping, the soft breeze was making trees rustle.

“Did you do Hake in or what?” he asked light-heartedly, his eyes fixed on a particularly oddly shaped cloud. He could feel Kaneki’s eyes on him, could almost _feel_ the concern oozing off his skin.

“What do you mean ‘do him in?’”

He turned, meeting the other boy’s eyes and flashing him a smile. Tilting his head back, he said: “I mean did you get him back for trying to hurt me?”

Kaneki scoffed and Hide nearly did a double take.

“Why? Do you need me to defend you?” There was heavy sarcasm dripping from those words and he wasn’t entirely sure whether Kaneki was being rude or just sassy. He decided that it was more likely sass, and for some odd reason that made him feel warm. Surely that meant that Kaneki felt a little comfortable around him.

A tiny minuscule bit.

“I could have totally taken him on, I was just being polite. Goood!” Hide exclaimed, shaking his fist at nothing. Kaneki scoffed again, but he was smiling.

And it was beautiful.

He could feel his heart sink at the realization at his own thoughts.

“S-so what was his problem?” he stuttered, quickly trying to move on from the thought that had penetrated his head. Jesus, he shouldn’t be thinking about Kaneki like that at all. It was wrong. They were barely becoming friends.

“He had a lot going on.”

Now it was his turn to scoff. Kaneki had seriously not thought he was going to buy that did he?

“Right? So he latched on to you? Cause of mommy issues?”

“More like Daddy issues I think?” Kaneki shrugged, his shoulders stiff enough to invalidate his feigned indifference.

“Damn, he must be a freak in bed.” He lay back, cushioning the back of his head using his hands. Letting out a breath of air, he realized how glad he really was to be lying down. Kaneki had turned his head to look at him, his finger picking at a small piece of paint. His ears were red.

“You’re such a weirdo,” he breathed.

It took Hide a while to process what Kaneki had said, a smile stretching across his face and he didn’t even try to tone down his happiness at hearing that.

“Number one weirdo at your service, Good Sir.”

Kaneki rolled his eyes, the smile still on his lips.

Was that relief in his expression?

“Will I be affected by that if I stay too long around you?” Definitely sass, he was still smiling.

Kaneki leaned back slowly on his elbows, pressing his lips together.

“Depends how often we talk. Texting might not affect you as much,” Hide said, wiggling his eyebrows. Of course he was just doing that to get Kaneki’s number. Kaneki laughed, his eyes crinkling in the most endearing manner and God: His heart wanted to give out.

“I thought that was what you were getting at,” his smile widened, “You aren’t very subtle, are you?”

He really hadn’t been, had he? But getting someone’s number didn’t _mean_ anything.

“Is that what I have to do to get your attention? Not be subtle?” he blurted, his face starting to grow uncomfortably hot. Oh God. Oh God.

He was being creepy. He was definitely being creepy and he had just flaunted his creepiness.

“You have my attention, you don’t need to do anything.”

Well. Well that had been a blunt answer. Was that flirting? Was that a platonic answer? Were they flirting? Was this putting his pure virgin status up to a test, because yes, he was pure… and virgin; and had not had a long relationship probably ever.

“Wow, how did I manage to do that?” he tried to go for a light tone but his voice came out slightly breathless, a stupid smile still on his lips. Kaneki turned to face him, his eyes searching his expression for something.

“You were weird.” He said it in the sincerest way Hide could have imagined, and even though it sounded like an insult, coming from him it felt like a strangely huge deal.

Being called weird by Kaneki Ken.

How amazing.

And the funny thing was that it really was.

* * *

“Can I ask you something?” Kaneki said suddenly, over his ice-cream. They had relocated to a more secluded part of the small park and Hide had- forcefully!- bought them ice-cream. Now they were lying on the grass, strangely comfortable around each other.

“Sure,” he said easily, licking his chocolate covered fingers. Kaneki watched him for a moment, and he could feel himself flushing. Almost as if he was doing something wrong but wasn’t sure what exactly.

“You know Touka?” His voice was hesitant, as if he was pushing himself to ask.

He froze, but quickly regained composure, wiping his hands on the grass around him. It probably needed glucose or something.

“Yeah, she’s kinda my best friend,” he told him, raising an eyebrow as if to ask ‘ _What’s the point here?’_ He hoped he could get that across from the quirk of an eyebrow. He should probably practice.

Now he was just suppressing his panicked thoughts by using shitty mental jokes.

“I just- I heard you guys last night,” Kaneki picked at the grass around him with one hand, the other holding the forgotten ice-cream. It was dripping all over his hand, leaving two steady trails of vanilla.

Oh God. Oh God, this was bad. How was Kaneki so calm knowing Hide was a _huge fucking stalker?!_

“Oh?” he managed.

“I guess- I wanted to apologize,” he raised his head to look at Kaneki, who was deliberately looking away. Why did he want to apologize? He hadn’t done anything wrong? Not that Hide knew anyway.

Of course, he had been trying really hard not to link Kaneki’s file to the murders in the twentieth ward. There were insane parallels and it would be too easy to put the blame on Kaneki. It was a surprise he hadn’t seen anyone questioning him.

Or maybe they had.

Either way Kaneki was guiltless from what he could see. Ignoring whatever he had done to Hake of course.

The guy had deserved it.

“Why apologize? I mean it was my fault, I shouldn’t pry,” he stated, watching the ice-cream drip from the equally as pale skin. He was quiet.

“Why _did_ you ask?” There was no anger in his tone.

He clucked his tongue, grinning, and stretched.

“Because _you’re_ weird.”

The wind blew around them, the grass rustling but Kaneki stared at him like a statue. He kept his eyes on him, not moving.

Then Kaneki quickly lifted his ice-cream to his lips, looking away and muttering to himself. He caught a soft, ‘ _idiot’._

Hide smiled to himself, the image of those flushed cheeks committed to his memory.

* * *

And days are warmer

Nights are bearable

The moon, the sun,

And the stars are gone,

The morning glories bloom,

And  

And I

Drown

 

He tapped the pen against his literature notes, and sighed. Touka should be here soon. His mask was fastened around his face, and he was prepared to make a round of the twentieth ward. His body still ached, but there was a pleasant buzz engulfing him. A happy shot of adrenaline still in his system. This was his fault.

This was Hide’s doing.

How was that Hide’s doing?

How was Hide doing that?

Getting into his head, under his skin so easily? Hadn’t he decided literally yesterday he was going to push him away?

He didn’t think he could anymore.

He was so intrigued and his fascination was something deeper. It was infatuation. And it was making him feel weird and wonderful, emotions like he hadn’t felt in such a very long time.

And he was frightened.

“You ready to go?” Her voice was cold, flushing out all thoughts of Hide from his system. Of course it was cold. He had hurt her.

His heart sank a little as he thought of Hide almost finding out what he had done. Touka had nearly told him how he had hurt her. The expression was still in his mind and it hurt like a fresh wound. One of the many that wouldn’t leave him. Yet he _had_ to. He _had_ to do what he did. He had no other choice.

“Yeah.” He closed his book softly, and slipped it into his bag. The first drops of rain began to fall, and he let out another sigh.

“Let’s go.”

The numbers on her hood stood out even more in the rain as he followed her through the dark of the night. A laugh nearly escaped him as the irony hit him. Of course she would pick the number eight.

* * *

He felt the boy jump as soon as he put his hand on his shoulder, his automatic grin in place.

“Yo! Haruta, I just did all the work I was lagging behind with in the committee.” The boy seemed to deflate in relief, seeing it was Hide. He pushed him playfully.

“You gave me a heart attack dude! That’s awesome though.”

He grinned wider, rubbing the back of his head. “Sorry, sorry! Wanna grab some food, Yuto can come along!” He saw the boy’s dark eyes lighten up at the mention of food.

“You’re paying.”

He hid his smile, before turning away to protest loudly.

* * *

 

“Man, that was amazing ramen! We should come here more often,” Yuto sighed, eating with what seemed like reckless abandon. Hide grinned at him.

“Yeah, but next time you pay, or Haruto!”

The other boy quickly shook his head laughing, “Hey, don’t drag me into this. I’m broke.”

Yuto turned to look at Haruto, his gaze slightly hazy and unfocused.

“ _We’re all_ broke bro.”

There was a silence as they tried to process this piece of incredible information, then simultaneously they burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Everyone else in the restaurant must be slightly put off by the three crazy college students losing their shit over something that wasn’t even that funny. But there was something contagious to the whole scenario which made it impossible not to laugh.

“You know,” Yuto said between gasps, “whose- not broke?” he managed.

“Who?” Hide managed, gulping in air between laughs. Haruto was doubled over, his face red.

“Your friend, Hake!”

He could feel his grin grow as he heard that. It hadn’t even required asking. Haruto _was_ the smarter of the two but he was still recovering from the laughing fit that had overcame the three, so he decided to question Yuto further.

“I have a friend called Hake?” he chuckled, his laughter slowing, as he straightened slowly. Yuto grinned at him, waggling his eyebrows.

“He said you broke his nose,” Yuto gasped, before bursting into another fit of laughter and Hide joined in, hoping that they wouldn’t notice how off it sounded. He was a good actor after all.

“I didn’t really hurt him,” he confided, still laughing a little. Haruto had a stupid smile stretched across his face as he turned to him.

“Yeah, it was the crazy Kaneki guy right?”

He shrugged, grinning back.

“Why is he crazy anyway?”

“Oh, he’s associated with the Ghouls, right?” Yuto interjected helpfully.

“Yeah, and I heard that he had fucked Hake’s dad or something.”

Hide stared at them incredulously, “No way?”

“Yeah man, but like there’s _a lot_ of weird rumours. Who knows right?”

Haruto leaned back, picking up his drink.

“Yeah,” he breathed. 

* * *

 

“So Nishiki senpai-”

“Stop calling me that shit-head.” He grinned, lowering the third box carefully onto the floor.

Due to an unexpected development Kimi would be moving in with Nishiki. Not that he would complain, their apartment might actually stay clean and not just consist of disgusting take out food majority of the time. Too bad they had carried in at least six boxes already and about fifteen were still left to be brought inside.

“So Nishiki-senpai, who are the Ghouls?” he asked, shifting closer to help him with a heavier looking box. In response the strawberry blonde elbowed him away, and he pouted at him.

“Why the shitty question Nagashit?”

He rolled his eyes.

“Cause my senior seemed smart enough to inform me...” he smiled slyly, “I could leave all these boxes for you senpai,” he teased, kicking the floor lightly. Nishiki settled the box down carefully and turned to glare him, sighing exasperatedly.

“They’re a freaky fucking gang in the twentieth ward. Well that’s where most of their shit takes place.”

He stared at him for a few seconds, and Hide could feel his blood run cold. It was as if Nishiki could see through him.

“Keep out of trouble shit face.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Morning glory: Unrequited love, Mortality of life and love that is in vain  
> Eight of Cups- This suit possesses the water elements- The card evokes an immediate reaction of sadness and a sense of solitude. The young man in this card has turned his back on all he has accumulated or accomplished before. He disappears by night into a barren and difficult terrain with only a cloak on his back and a staff in hand.


	9. I don't want to let this go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well, fuck,” Nishiki muttered.
> 
> For once he agreed.

 

He woke up, blinking tiredly, his head pounding. It took him a few seconds to realize he was on the cold ground, a shiver ripping through him. Sitting up, he quickly folded his arms over his chest, looking around himself.

It took him a while to realize that this was his own room, the interior was completely altered- The main alteration being the missing bed. His study desk was in its usual place, the rug was beneath him, but the bed; it was gone.

He sighed, flopping back onto the ground, cushioning his head using his arm.

Maybe his aunt sold it. He might not have made enough money this month; after all he did have to pay extra for his mother’s treatment.

It was fine. He didn’t need a bed.

He didn’t remember getting here. He didn’t remember much of the past night after that round with Touka. He knew he had to attend to a few clients but after the third everything was hazy. However, guessing from the ache in his entire body, it hadn’t been the most gentle night.

He laughed hoarsely at the thought, his voice ringing back at him sharply- unpleasantly. There wasn’t a trace of humour in it.

When were his nights ever gentle?

While on the subject, when were his days ever gentle?

His pleasant afternoon with Hide flashed into his mind and he quickly pushed it down. That wasn’t a normal day, it was a one off. That was a blessing, something he couldn’t get used to.

The exhilaration of feeling _acknowledged_ wasn’t something that he could maintain as a norm. He was what he was;

Useless.

Weak.

Small and easy to be crushed.

And his self loathing made him even more pitiful.

It was what it was; just as he was what he was.

He wouldn’t complain.

Out loud at least.

* * *

 

Leaving his room was the hardest part of the day. He knew how humiliating it was, he knew that if they saw him they snickered at him, and he knew he should be used to it by now.

But he wasn’t.

If anything over the years he had gotten more and more acutely aware of it.

More concerned about why they did that? Why they didn’t stop? What was it that made them do that?

Walking across the floor of that pristine white house made him feel like all the eyes of the world were on him. He felt like a stain in the purity of his bright surroundings. He just didn’t want to be noticed.

He was painfully conscious of how only a few years ago he wished his heart would stop beating just so they wouldn’t hear it and notice him.

He was jealous of their affection and he was tired. He tried and he tried and _he tried._

He did _everything_.

_He had given up himself._

_Was that not enough?_

It was never enough.

He knew it wouldn’t be, and that was what made him realize what he was worth.

Nothing.

He would never be enough.

Not for those who laughed at him, not for those he gave his dignity up for.

Not for those he loved with all he had; after all he was bad at loving people.

No.

He would never be enough.

He really was hurt by the people he loved most.

* * *

His feet swung as he ate the meat bun he had brought along with him. The day was humid and he was hoping the rain would hold out for a bit. Maybe till him and Kaneki were done for the day. After all it had poured all night and the clouds needed rest.

Glancing to the side he saw Kaneki scribbling away in his notebook, and slowly he edged closer. Was the nerd seriously studying? Weren’t they supposed to be ‘relaxing’? After all Kaneki looked like a zombie, a starved one. Seriously, he was looking thinner, his eyes more hollow with each passing day.

Once again, he was trying his best not to butt into the other boy’s personal life. He felt in his situation it was better not to ask. Yeah. The right thing to do would be to just give him food, look after him. Take care of him, himself.

He crumpled up the bag that had held his snack and put it in his pocket.

And to be fair, it had been three days since they had- as he would like to think- properly become good friends. So sure, he could take care of his _good_ friend.

However, he didn’t want to jinx it with his own, much too optimistic, thinking.

“Are you studying bookworm-kun?” he questioned, leaning over his shoulder and grinning at his own wit. Kaneki looked at him, rolling his eyes at his expression.

“Some of us need to pass Hide,” he chided, his pen tapping impatiently against the book perched on his knee. Hide arched his eyebrows at him.

“Hey I’m just here to party, according to you,” he retorted light-heartedly, nudging his arm. Kaneki’s cheeks immediately heated and he ducked his head looking away. Hide watched him slowly deflate with an odd sort of sinking feeling. It was like watching an armadillo curl into itself. Probably not the best description seeing as Kaneki resembled more of a deer caught in the headlights than anything.

Kaneki had put down his pen and was smoothing his slender thumbs over the pages, his nervousness clearly visible.

Had he fucked up again?

Of course he had fucked up again.

But how badly?

He seemed to be asking himself that question constantly oddly enough.

“You know,” Kaneki spoke up, startling him out of his reverie. There was a beat of silence.

He quickly hummed in response, asking him to continue and Kaneki seemed to struggle with himself for a few seconds. Finally, he closed his book with a soft thump and slowly raised his head to stare straight ahead, still avoiding eye contact with Hide.

As if it was by a strike of faith he was given the perfect opportunity to appreciate Kaneki’s profile.

Which probably shouldn’t be the most important thing at the moment, but hey! If you got the lemons you might as well make the lemonade.

He cringed at himself, and turned his attention back to Kaneki.

And all coherent thought went out of the window.

Those sorrowful, silver eyes. Even surrounded by dark circles there was something so unmistakably gentle and _sad_ about them that it made him want to do _something_. Write poetry or heck, sing a song about them, and it was strange, that someone’s eyes could compel you to be so deeply inspired.

And he _was_ inspired.

And the level to which his fascination was rising was becoming more at home to his mind and heart he supposed. The infatuation was okay. It was perfectly fine.

For someone whose eyes held so much depth, he felt it would be okay to be infatuated with them.

Heck, maybe it was an achievement.

However there was so much more beauty to Kaneki.

Once again, it was weird; he had never expected himself to be using the word ‘beauty’ to describe a man, but it was the word that seemed to fit the softness that seemed to _be_ Kaneki’s being.

The almost artistic way his lips curved when he frowned, or moved his mouth. The snowy white hair, making him seem more ethereal- more unreal.

Oh, wait.

Kaneki was talking.

He should be paying attention.

“I didn’t mean those things. I didn’t mean to offend you at that time. I-”

“Hey, no, seriously- Ka-” he started.

“I’m so sorry Hide-” Kaneki blabbered, cutting him off mid-sentence.

“Ka-”

“So sorry…”

“Kaneki! Man, listen to me!” he exclaimed, grabbing Kaneki’s shoulders to stop his crazed blabbing. Kaneki immediately winced, and he dropped his hands to his sides.

“It’s okay. I understand why you did what you did.” He clicked his tongue, his mind still racing, trying to string together words that would actually make sense to him. “No, that’s a lie, I don’t. But you don’t have to be upset over it; you had your reasons and I’ll wait till you want to tell me them. No pressure.”

He could see Kaneki’s eyes running over his face, as if searching for any sign of disapproval or any doubt. He kept his expression open as Kaneki stared at him trying to process his words. Slowly Kaneki’s eyes widened and he stared at Hide.

He smiled encouragingly in response, his hands twitching at his sides with the need to _hold_.

“Thank you.” It was breathy and achingly gentle, and _surprised_ ; As if his actions had held some unforgivable weight and now Kaneki was finally free. And he had been the one to free him.

The feeling of euphoria that followed made him feel like he was on cloud nine.

“No problem Kaneki!” he told him cheerfully.

He was graced by a smile, and he felt his heart skip a beat.

It was picturesque.

This infatuation was a gift.

* * *

 

 “Have you ever read Damien, Hide?”

The book was clasped between his hands and the personality links he found were almost painfully similar. Damien was Sinclair’s salvation. Sinclair’s hope.

He eyed Hide, his golden halo of hair and his open, honest eyes.

A salvation for a sinner.

But Sinclair hadn’t _sinned_ per se. Sure he had made mistakes but he hadn’t hurt many others. Not so far into the story anyway.

“Huh? No. Is it good?” the blonde asked, looking up from his phone, his expression openly interested in a way he felt he would never get used to.

‘My salvation came from a totally unexpected source, which, at the same time, brought a new element into my life that has affected it to this very day. A new boy had just been enrolled in our school.’

He shook his head turning back to his book.

He could feel Hide’s curious gaze locked onto his face and it was becoming increasingly difficult to ignore it.

Damien.

Hide.

Whatever the parallels- fiction was fiction and it would stay fiction.

And he was what he was; and what he was, was beyond salvation.

He clutched his book more tightly and glanced at Hide, only to find those bright honey coloured eyes looking back at him with undisguised interest.

He felt his heart clutch.

Yes. He was definitely beyond salvation.

But all of a sudden, why did he feel like there was still a small seed of hope?

* * *

 

“Nagachika, I seem to have misplaced a file,” Akira said calmly, staring at him with her piercing, seemingly all-seeing pale blue eyes. He was struggling to hold his own against her unwavering eye-contact.

And trying to pin all his hope on the fact that he was being paranoid. There was no way she knew he had taken the file. There hadn’t been any cameras in her office and he was just an innocent helper. What kind of incentive would he have to steal a file?

None.

Definitely none.

“Have you asked Seidou san?” he supplied helpfully, grinning at her with what he hoped was un-doubtable sincerity. She sighed, turning away from him to skim over the brunette’s desk.

“Seidou seems to have no interest in it whatsoever.”

She turned back, eyeing him suspiciously as he practically sweated himself to death underneath her gaze.

“Maybe Amon san?” he tried again, shrugging and he could hear the worry creeping into his voice now. She crossed her arms and to his delight nodded thoughtfully.

He could feel himself relaxing as she regarded the possibility of the file being in Amon’s possession.

He would return the file tomorrow. He just needed copies… for reasons.

Confidential reasons. He supposed since he had crossed the line into illegal activity he might as well continue with what he was doing.

The murders were nudging at his mind, but Kaneki was a constant.

He had realized how hypocritical he was being in telling Kaneki to take his time and tell him about himself but prying in other ways. He knew it was wrong but there were just too many unanswered questions piling up and he needed answers. He supposed he could risk getting fired, but either way he was going to find out somehow. And he wouldn’t push Kaneki in anyway. He’d wait for him to tell him.

He would be patient in hoping that Kaneki opens up to him.

A loud blaring noise cut through his thoughts and before he could ask Akira what that was she had jumped into action, grabbing her walkie talkie from her desk and ushering him out of the office to the floors lobby. Majority of the officers at Akira’s rank and above were gathering there and he could see many of the office workers running around making calls.

“It’s another murder,” Seidou hissed, arriving beside them, sounding breathless. Hide could feel himself start uncomfortably at his words. No way was it Kaneki. No way. There were a bunch of gangs in the twentieth ward for fucks sake. It had to be them.

_But wasn’t Kaneki part of one?_

Shut up.

There was no way that his niggling feeling of it being Kaneki could be right, and he was so, so _wrong_ for having that feeling in the first place.

“Why are we here?” he asked nervously, turning to Akira.

“We’re going to receive orders on what action to take and then dispatch.”

He mulled over her words for a few moments. They were going to leave? As in field work again?

“Dispatch?” he repeated, shooting her a bemused smile.

“We’re probably going to the crime scene again Nagachika.”

* * *

 

Turns out that ‘probably’ was a ‘definitely’ and they were headed to the crime scene. He wasn’t complaining though.

This was the line of work he aimed to follow in the future, possibly more in line with the international relations departments in the CCG. But detective work nonetheless was amazing.

Yet the car ride that would lead to them carrying out detective work was a lot less than amazing. It was just as nerve racking as the first time- even with the relief of not possessing an illegal file on his person wasn’t making much of a difference.

So he did what he was getting most easily distracted by these days. He started to think of Kaneki. Of how little he knew about him.

He was probably around his age, nineteen or twenty, and from what the file had said he had been taken at thirteen. That would mean he was taken six or seven years ago. If the murders were taking place inside a jail he could safely say that it wasn’t Kaneki, but then again according to rumor he was part of the Ghouls in the 20th ward. He also recalled Akira and Amon mentioning a victim five years back and he knew that was linked. And adding more to that, Touka had moved to Tokyo about five years ago after returning from Osaka and that would fit with the Akira and Amon theory, but that would mean that Kaneki had links to the jail?

“Brace yourself for this one.” Seidou was already out of the car when he came to terms with the fact that the car had stopped.

Jolting uncomfortably, he hurried out to join his superiors, more than happy to be away from the stuffiness and grave atmosphere in the car. The only improvement he found after joining them was that the wind was blowing. The gravity of the atmosphere had only gotten more serious.

There was an ambulance nearby and Amon led the three of them to the police gathered near the vehicle. To his surprise he noticed that they were _just_ wheeling in who seemed to be the victim. He knew he probably shouldn’t look; Blood and gore and all that stuff. His common sense yelled at him not to.

But, his curiosity was insatiable.  

Turning himself he froze when he saw the face.

It was as if the flimsy layer of hope he had been building came crashing down.

No. This couldn’t be right.

That face.

It couldn’t be.

“He’s been identified as Hake Matsuda! It’s a Kamii student ID!”

He was vaguely aware of his phone ringing loudly, but it was as if all sound had been dimmed to annoying background noise. His heart felt heavy.  

It was all wishful thinking.

* * *

 

'People with dark souls have nothing but dark dreams. People with really dark souls do nothing but dream.'

He chuckled to himself tiredly. It fit very well. 

“Is he…?” Nishiki trailed off, staring at the scene with a look of vague interest.

Kaneki shrugged, settling back and watching various medics and workers run around the area and encase it in bright tape. It looked like an interesting kind of organized chaos.

Or maybe that was just him.

“Dead. Yeah,” he confirmed trying to keep emotion out of his voice.

“Well, fuck,” Nishiki muttered.

For once he agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Both the quotes mentioned are from the book Damien by Herman Hesse
> 
> Thank you very much for the feedback, it has been really motivational  
> I hope you enjoy the chapter <3  
> Also thank you to albinohummingbird for betaing for me (Welcome back.)


	10. Can we pretend to be?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He killed him!” he exclaimed yet again, pacing around her apartment.
> 
> “How do you know?” Touka finally spoke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the amazing feedback!  
> OTL As usual sorry for the late update

 

“He killed him!” he exclaimed yet again, pacing around her apartment. He was distraught. He was confused. He had thought he had put his trust in the right person but he had been _wrong_?

The prospect was laughable.

_He was never wrong._

He wasn’t arrogant, but he did have a knack for being able to _understand._ See through people.

Had he really misjudged Kaneki so much?

When he had looked at Kaneki he had seen a glass doll. Chipped, cracked but beautiful. He had seemed so fragile but so strong. He had just thought…

What had he expected?

He had seen him beat the shit out of Hake. He knew that he had all this background baggage. He knew that the guy was part of some dangerous gang in the twentieth ward.

So seriously?

_What had he expected?_

It shouldn’t even be mildly surprising that he was a killer.

It should _terrify_ him.

Yet here he was, pacing. Trying to find _any_ loophole in the conclusion he had come to.

“How do you know?” Touka finally spoke up. She had been uncharacteristically silent ever since he had barged into her apartment uninvited.

He shook his head, still pacing anxiously.

“I don’t know,” he managed.

“Then why do you think he killed anyone?” she sounded tired. The fire in her was dying embers, her eyes far away. He couldn’t concentrate. Not even on her.

Not on anything.

His phone was vibrating madly in his jacket and he ignored it. Nothing was important at this moment. Nothing else could possibly be more important than this. Nothing else could possibly be more terrifying.

He was being selfish and he couldn’t get Kaneki out of his mind.

And then there was this feeling.

Frustration.

So much frustration was bubbling inside of him.

His heart screamed at him to trust Kaneki blindly. His heart _begged._

He just wasn’t a heart kind of guy though.

And his brain was hell bound on connecting pieces together. No matter how painful they may be.

And it was painful.

Like a wound, infesting his heart, eating away at him.

And he didn’t know why it hurt so much.

And he didn’t know anything.

But it hurt.

Shit. It hurt.

* * *

“Who is he?” It was a hiss.

He froze, the blood in his veins running cold.

“Who?” he asked dumbly, knowing the response full well. The withering look he got in exchange was enough to make his skin prickle.

She started to walk towards him, a sway in her step, her beautiful, cruel eyes focused on his. He swallowed, forcing himself to stay where he stood.

She was in front of him and he was struck with how alike the two sisters really were. The features were strikingly similar; however she oozed of affluence and health, while his mother was sickly. Poor.

Dying.

And it was his fault.

He quickly pushed the thought down.

Not now.

“Ken,” she slid a finger down his cheek and he felt sick at the contact immediately.

Her eyes had taken on a hazy quality and his mind had shut off.

He was a void. He was nothing.

Her finger slipped to his lips, stroking the outline and thumbing the bottom one. He wanted to wrench away.

This was wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

“Ken.” She repeated, he could feel her breath on his throat. His heart sank. The finger at his lips was prying them apart, touching his teeth.

He was trying his best to stop himself from shaking.

“Who is _he?_ ” she ground out, her lips inches away from his neck.

He should have listened. He should have listened when the stand-in at the bar had told him she knew.

Shit.

Her hand was ghosting over his chest, and slowly moving down.

Shit.

“A friend,” he managed, her finger running over his tongue.

This was disgusting. This was unacceptable. This was _wrong._

But who could make it stop? He was stuck until he paid his mother’s debt back. He could do _nothing._

“Oh!” Her voice had taken on the sickly sweet quality.

Before he was completely aware of what was happening, he was pushed into his room, the door shut behind them with a soft thud.

“A friend?” her hand had found their way around his throat. He could feel his breathing grow shallower, his mouth going dry.

“Are you fucking out of your _job,_ Kaneki-kun?” she asked him, her voice growing softer. Nicer.

He preferred the insults, he preferred her neglect. Her hands tightened around his throat as she continued to talk.

“Does he know how much we’ve done for you Ken?”

Tighter.

“We’ve fed you. Clothed you.”

And tighter.

“We’ve been trying to meet all _your_ needs.”

He couldn’t breathe.

“Are you telling him what you shouldn’t be Ken?”

He opened his mouth, gasping for air. Nothing.

She was still squeezing. He should struggle. He should _try_ to breathe

“Kaneki, you know how much _I_ did for my dear sister!” her voice had taken on a hysterical quality.

“We gave her _everything._ For a boy. For you. And she thought you were so much better! And you know how much we spent. For you. And then we’ve been taking care of,”

Silver spots were swimming in his vision, yet he didn’t struggle.

He closed his eyes and envisioned that smile.

“You.”

Her hands relaxed around his neck and the breath rushed to his lungs, as he fell to the ground coughing. His head felt fuzzy, and he desperately tried to gather his thoughts. He was raising his head to look at her as her hand collided with his face.

He hissed at the stinging sensation, but didn’t get much time to adjust. She grabbed a fistful of his hair, tugging him up.

“Sit down on that chair, Ken.”

As she released him, he stumbled back, his head aching. As quickly as he could he grabbed a chair, stumbling into it. His head was still spinning and his throat felt raw.

“Tell me something,” her voice had taken on the deceptively velvety quality again. She was in control.

He raised his eyes to see the belt loosely wrapped around her hand.

“Was he really worth this?” she whispered, leaning over him.

_Clack._

He closed his eyes as he felt the first sting of the belt colliding with his arm.

Was it worth it?

For that laugh.

For that feeling of being acknowledged.

The sanctuary he had built in his mind had suspiciously shifted to mirror the park he had gone to with Hide.

_Clack._

He winced.

For being given a chance…

_It was worth it._

He clung to the smile, the crazed babbling of his aunt being drowned out by the warmth he had conjured up in his mind.

Hide was worth it.

* * *

He was bone tired. He felt that way. His mind felt like snapping in half and he felt like a wreck. Before Touka could start chastising him further he had grabbed his phone and left. As rude as he was he was _just so fucking confused._

And he was so frustrated.

And he wanted to punch a wall.

He should’ve known.

_He should’ve known._

He had linked Kaneki’s case to the previous murders due to the numbers present on the scene, and it was the same with Hake.

Hake’s fingers had been cleanly pulled off, and in Kaneki’s case it had been finger-nails. Yet the links were still present.

And there was a haphazard sort of clean-up that had tried to take place over the crime scene with dirt scattered over the numbers. A bad cover-up. As if conducted by someone that didn’t have enough time.

He didn’t see Kaneki in that.

He didn’t want to see Kaneki involved in any way.

However his brain kept pushing the all too obvious hypothesis onto him.

He could have stopped him. He could have saved a life. He had had suspected him but he had been so otherwise occupied by his pretty face that he had just shoved all logic away. And it was _tiring._

It was tiring to feel so betrayed by someone you hadn’t properly trusted in the first place. And most of all it was irrational, and he hated irrationality.

He roughly shoved his apartment key back into his pocket and opened the door into the brightly lit house.

What he saw made him freeze.

His parents were sitting on the sofa in the small living space, and beaming up at him.

“We’ve been trying to call you all day Hide!”

He forced his lips into an equally elated smile.

His parents were here.

“Mom! Dad!”

He needed to protect them.

His voice sounded distant to himself.

He needed to keep them safe from the mess that he had made out of his life.

His parents reached him, his mother throwing her arms around him lovingly. His father was saying something and patting him on the back.

And he was laughing.

And they were laughing.

And his mind was racing.

He needed to keep them safe from the danger attached to Kaneki.

_He needed to keep them safe from Kaneki._

* * *

 

It was to be intercepted that he’d be stared at. Usually it was a glance and then they’d be too afraid to stare further. But today-

Today they were staring at him _constantly._ They would glance at him and whisper behind their hands. They would stare and turn the other way. They were trying their best to avoid him.

He could deal with this with ease. He didn’t care about these people.

He had never met them before in his life.

Yet the weight of their accusing gazes on him was making him shake.

He walked to his class and settled down as quickly as he could, dropping his pens in his haste.

Mentally he chastised himself for being so panicky.

He had gotten a day off. And that had given him more than enough time to prepare.

He was ready for the onslaught of today. Yet he couldn’t stop himself from looking forward to… him.

He knew he shouldn’t expect to not be suspected by the blonde but a tiny part of him had _hope_. And he was clinging to that tiny part. And there was an excitement.

An exhilaration attached to the hope.

It was the same feeling when he had realized that Hide was worth it. _Hide was worth so, so much._

He bit his lip to keep himself from smiling.

The lecture theater started to fill up and he waited impatiently, his eyes glued to the door. Finally-

 _Finally_.

A head of blonde hair entered the lecture theater, and a surge of nervousness overcame him.

There was something wrong wasn’t there?

Hide climbed the small steps of the lecture hall and stopped to talk to someone for a few seconds. Kaneki could feel his hands shaking from a mixture of anticipation and anxiety. He would be here any second. He would sit down. It would be happy.

_He would smile his smile for you._

It would be okay.

Hide laughed, and his heartbeat sped up.

Slowly, so painfully slowly Hide reached Kaneki.

“Yo Kaneki!” He sounded the same. His voice was the same.

He raised his eyes to look at Hide and Hide was looking away.

“Hi.”

“So man, I’m gonna sit with another pal today cause they need my help and we can meet up later?”

Hide turned his face to look at him, and the butterflies that had previously overcome him were crushed. His heart sank.

That smile was fake.

That smile was strained and _fake._

Hide blamed him.

“Sure.” He wasn’t sure Hide had heard.

But from the way the blonde turned away without a word he realized Hide probably didn’t care.

And rightly so.

He had been right, he thought to himself, clasping his hands together in an almost painful way. Hide _was_ worth it.

But he-

He was so fucked up.

* * *

The pain he had been the cause of; the anguish he had seen spring to those beautiful eyes was haunting him.

But he needed to protect his parents.

He needed to find a way around this.

He needed to save Kaneki.

He needed to fix everything.

And asking Touka for advice was the most reasonable thing to do.

However at entering uninvited he found Nishiki on her sofa, garbed in leather, holding a gun. Both of the men froze upon seeing each other. Touka stood a few feet away, garbed in a similar fashion to Nishiki, a rabbit mask in her hand.

Hide opened his mouth only to close it again, completely at a loss for words.

“You left the fucking door unlocked?” Nishiki growled, turning to Touka.

However Hide only stared, his eyes glued to the two.

Etched onto the arms of their jackets was ‘Ghouls’.

* * *

What had he expected?

What had he seriously expected?

_What on fucking earth had he expected?_

He took a shaky breath letting his head hang.

Understanding?

Trust?

Loyalty?

_Love?_

The truth was that he had expected all those things and so much more. And it was so wrong of him to have expected anything at all. After all, Hide was just a person and it was wrong of him to expect him to be more than that.

He had constantly told himself that he was what he was, but he hadn’t really listened to himself. He made it his mantra, but he had forgotten that repeating something only made it lose meaning.

No, the inner romanticist within him had pushed and hoped and wished for that small minute chance to be saved by someone else. He had tried to find so much beauty and perfection in one person that he had completely pushed away the humane part of them. Hide had become something otherworldly- perfect, and the more he had pushed down his growing feelings for him the harder he had latched on them.

He wanted to weep.

Feel the tears sliding down his cheeks.

But they didn’t.

In the dark of the night, his body ached and the only thing left to weep was his heart.


	11. I'm sorry but I fell in love tonight

“You’re part of a gang?” he said, his voice growing comically high-pitched at the last word.

Seated at the edge of the table he was staring at the two people he had considered himself pretty close to; and it was as if he was looking at them for the first time in his life. Touka was shifting nervously from one foot to the other and seemed ready to either run or scream. Her jaw was clenched sternly, her eyebrows knit together. Nishiki on the other hand was staring at the two of them calmly, his head resting on the back of the sofa from where he lazed.

“You’re not?” Nishiki threw out casually and he could almost feel his lips twitch with amusement and frustration. It felt like a spark, slowly igniting into something more and he pushed it down. He couldn’t get angry; he couldn’t let his composure crack.

“You specifically told me,” he managed without gritting his teeth, and Nishiki leaned forward looking at him with mock interest.

“To stay out of trouble.” He ground out, a smile that was too sweet to be real plastered on his lips. He knew they could tell. He knew that Touka’s quiet was going to crack soon, and he knew that Nishiki- that bastard- was getting nervous from the way he was toying with his fingers. But he knew that they knew he was stretched thin.

And the worst part was that he was _never_ stretched this thin. He was never this wound up. And he never cared _this_ much.

Yet here he was. Anger gnawing its way up his throat as he stopped himself from screaming uncontrollably.

At him.

At everyone around him.

At Kaneki.

He wanted to scream.

Instead he gathered his thoughts and continued smiling.

“And you’re part of the ghouls no less,” he continued, his voice strained.

Nishki smirked.

That bastard

“You caught us man.”

If humans were to change colour to mirror their emotions he would have assumed he would be a constant yellow. Jarring, bright and in your face. He liked it, and he knew that a lot of people didn’t, it was too bold, too annoying, too bright. But it was also interesting and soothing and held its place firmly in the colour wheel. However if he was a constant yellow, currently he would be a yellow nearing red, because he was unbelievably frustrated.

So fucking frustrated.

“Yeah, I did. What’s going on?”

There was silence, unsteady, sweaty and uncomfortable silence.

“We’re trying to find the suspected killer.”

Touka finally spoke up; her eyes focused on him, wavering ever so slightly. It was as if she had resolved to make herself as steely and unconcerned as possible. As if she had no feelings.

Which was pointless, he decided. She was the person who was filled to the brim with emotion and it was a fruitless effort trying to put a lid on them. They would over flow, the lid would fall off.

And he was waiting for it to happen.

He would be the cause that leads to that effect, and he supposed he was past caring about how manipulative he was.

After all-

He was what he was.

* * *

 

“You know how you kinda watch people and get to know more about them?” Hide asked, his face scrunched up thoughtfully.

They were shoulder to shoulder, staring at the sky in companionable silence.

Kaneki shot him a confused look and shrugged.

“Explain.”

Hide huffed and let out a quiet laugh at his abruptness.

 _How like Kaneki,_ he thought fondly.

A small crease had appeared between those snowy brows and he looked at Hide with undisguised confusion.

“I try to get to know people you know,” Hide started warily.

“Doesn’t everyone?” Kaneki pointed out, cutting him off mid-sentence.

He elbowed him playfully and didn’t miss the small smile playing on Kaneki’s lips. He was such a fucking goner honestly.

“No, listen. Like- I look at their body language. Their- everything?” he tried, finishing with an uncomfortable shrug, eyeing Kaneki nervously. He expected a little more pondering, more contemplation on his part when approaching this taboo topic, however between the two of them Kaneki looks more thoughtful, nodding at him to continue.

That was his cue. He turned towards the sky, silently thanking any entity out there that it wasn’t raining.

Licking his lips he gathers himself, suddenly nervous.

“And it’s like I take parts of them you know. To be more like them. To fit in with them.” His eyes trailed over a particularly fluffy cloud, shaped like a deformed sword.

“It’s like I’m a piece of paper and I’m ripping myself to shreds and asking everyone to pour their ink over me. So that I’m the same colour as them. So sometimes I think that, I’m just not a real person anymore. I’m weird colourful, shredded paper.”

_What a fucked up analogy._

There’s silence, and his eyes were firmly fixed on the sky as he tried to come to terms with the fact that he had said so much. Probably too much.

That he revealed such an oddly intimate part of himself to this guy that he had barely known three months.

“Did you do that with me?” Kaneki asked after a while, his voice hushed.

He turned away from the sky, back to Kaneki. An unconscious part of his mind telling him that the sky held nothing over Kaneki. But when his mind focused on the question at hand he flushed.

If Kaneki had been any sort of ink he would gladly submerge himself in it.

Alas.

“How could I have? You’re like a blank slate Kaneki.”

And he had been.

Curiously attractive.

Leaking secrets and dropping subtle traces of his being wherever he went.

Like a withering flower.

But for Hide he had been a blank slate.

And he had ended up being just Hide for Kaneki.

* * *

 

“We’re trying to hunt the killer.”

She was fiddling with the hem of her jacket, which wasn’t fastened properly he noted absent-mindedly. Nishiki stiffened as soon as she said that and threw a look that screamed ‘Shut up’ her way.

She pointedly ignored him, her eyes focused on Hide who was precariously balancing on the edge of her small table.

He tapped his fingers on his knee, searching her expression.

“Kaneki.” He supplied, his voice coming out more uncertain than he would have liked.

He knew it was true.

_Nothing else made sense._

And he was a man of logic.

And he had to protect his parents.

Nishiki snorted at his admission and he whipped his head around to glare at him. Was everything a joke to that man that excluded his girlfriend and his stomach?

Everything was getting on his nerves, Nishiki most of all. He just didn’t know when the fuck to stop. And his mental voice was scarily starting to sound more and more like Touka with each passing minute.

He turned to Touka, staring at her.

“Is Kaneki the killer?” he asked quietly.

He wasn’t the killer.

He wasn’t the killer.

_He wasn’t the killer._

It was as if time stopped for him, each second ticking by painstakingly slowly.

And finally Touka let out a hushed: “No.”

And he could breathe again.

* * *

“Hey. Hey Kaneki,” a soft voice filtered through his tired mind and he blinked trying to grasp his surroundings. His eyes fell shut again, the night sky imprinted behind his lids.

Right.

He was at the park. He was at _their_ park, and they weren’t supposed to meet that day, he was sure of it. So wait…

Why was Hide here?

Why was it that he could see stars behind his closed eyes?

It wasn’t day time?

No. No it wasn’t. He distinctly remembered coming here at night after…

He opened his eyes and was met with Hide’s face four centimeters away from his own. His breath hitched.

“What are you doing here?”

His voice was hoarse to his own ears and he winced trying to discreetly clear his throat. Hide cocked an eyebrow at him, and sat across from him.

“I was walking to Anteiku, the place Touka works,” Hide supplied, grinning brightly. And that smile washed over him like a tide of comfort and, he realized he wanted to drown. Suddenly Hide’s fingers were brushing over the side of his mouth and he winced, retreating hurriedly, leaving those warm fingers hovering awkwardly in the air.

“Is it… bruised?” Hide asked, staring at his lips.

And he winced again, trying to shove down the resurfacing memory of what hadn’t particularly been the most comfortable moment of his life. It had paid well, but for the violation he felt afterwards he was starting to wonder whether it really was worth it or not.

He felt dirty.

He felt ready to throw up thinking about it.

But after having done so twice, there was nothing left to throw up and he was just left in the current nauseous state he was in.

“Kaneki, you’re really pale,” now Hide’s hand was pressed against his clammy forehead, and he found himself leaning into that comforting touch.

He was so tired.

And soon he found himself pressed against the unassuming man; and Hide’s arms were around him, and his own were grasping the back of his yellow jacket. He felt clean in those arms. He felt _good._

That’s when it had first hit him.

He was in love.

“I write poetry,” he mumbled into Hide’s shoulder, a spur of the moment comment- but it was more than that. And he knew that Hide knew.

He was willingly opening up to him.

He could feel the other boy’s smile against him.

“Yeah?” A soft laugh, music to his ears. “Tell me more.”

* * *

“So Kaneki isn’t the killer?” he repeated for what must have been the fourth time.

Touka rolled her eyes at him.

“No he isn’t.” She repeated, her voice impatient. Understandable since she was getting tired of his repetitive question.

His mind was racing.

“So then, me ranting and pacing at you, _screaming_ that he could have been the killer was pointless?! Like you could have thrown me a bone. You could’ve been like- hey bud, pal, my bestie: Kaneki isn’t the killer,” he ranted, pacing back and forth in front of her.

It was as if floodgates had been opened and he was relieved.

So relieved.

And he was rambling away his relief.

Nishiki looked uncomfortable enough to melt into the ground.

“I didn’t know he had the hots for snowball.”

Touka laughed weakly and he glared at Nishiki, stopping in his concentrated pacing.

“I don’t understand then. The easiest bet was that the killers were the Ghouls? But you guys…” he trailed off, eyeing them as Touka glared at him with venomous defiance.  

“Does this shit head think we’re going around killing people?” Nishiki questioned, letting out a humorless laugh and Hide felt a pang of guilt.

“I never said that,” he mumbled, suddenly embarrassed. He had done the same with Kaneki and the small pang of guilt started spreading through his chest.

“Right.” the strawberry blonde man laughed.

Before Hide could open his mouth to retort to Nishiki, stating that he was right to be think he was right, because he was! Touka’s phone started to ring, startling everyone in the room and she pulled it out, followed by a panicked: “Shit!”

“Hello?”

Hide strained his ears, watching Touka’s expression distort into something that was a cross between disgust and pity.

There was no sound other than the hushed voice from the phone’s speaker and their breathing.

“Alright. Thank you.” Silence. “I’ll tell Nishiki.”

When she lowered the phone, he let out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding. She slumped back onto the small table, letting out a shaky breath. Nishiki didn’t move, his eyes trained on her.

Hide didn’t speak either, waiting for her to start talking on her own accord.

It hit him that he had previously debated manipulating her feelings to get her to give him the information he wanted, and he realized what a disgusting thought that had been. He couldn’t do that anymore. He couldn’t let that blackened toxic possessiveness take control of him every time he felt control leave him. He couldn’t let his morbid thinking lead him down that twisted road.

“Kaneki cancelled.” She finally breathed out, and he felt like there was an invisible weight behind her words he couldn’t quite decipher. From the way Nishiki stiffened ever so slightly his fears we re-confirmed.

“His job?” Nishiki asked, his voice falling from hard, growing almost gentle at ‘job.’ He felt his heart sink at the words and he didn’t quite know how to explain it, or piece it together. He just knew it wasn’t good. And Nishiki sounded like he was touching upon a fragile topic with a voice he didn’t expect the older man to be capable of producing.

Touka nodded slightly and for a moment he thought something drastic would happen; like she would cry, or Nishiki would surge forward and hug her. But none of those events occurred, instead they stayed in their respective spaces in silence, thinking, trying to piece together their thoughts.

“I’m going to go,” Nishiki said, abruptly standing up and fixing his glasses. What an awkward bastard. “Your parents are sight seeing with Kimi so you don’t need to worry about boring them.”

He strode past Hide, casting a long-suffering look at Touka’s back, and then he glanced at Hide.

And without a word he was out of the door, letting in cool air from outside, which was promptly cut off with a loud thud as the door slammed shut behind him.

Then there were two.

* * *

He had come to the conclusion a while back that when he and Hide conversed it didn’t make sense and there was usually never a single train of thought.

They were sitting across from each other in the library, sheltered from the heavy rain. Hide was quietly humming to himself and writing his essay and Kaneki was trying to read- trying being the key word- seeing as he kept getting distracted by the pitter patter of the rain beating against the glass pane.

And he couldn’t help but think about how _domestic_ everything felt. Settled in beside Hide and it was as if they had been friends forever and nothing bad had happened outside their bubble, and it just alluded him how he could feel comfortable with someone he had barely known four weeks but still felt uncomfortable around people he had known for years.

And maybe the rain was creating a sense of melancholy within him or maybe it was his inner romanticist that was just creating a crescendo of yearning that was _rising_ with each passing breath.

But he knew he shouldn’t feel that way. He knew he should crush it because it didn’t matter.

He knew it shouldn’t feel like the fabric of space and time was ripping every time Hide half hugged him awkwardly and made his way home, and even if that was an exaggeration he shouldn’t feel the way he did.

He knew there would be a day the whole world would sink into imminent darkness and nothing he was or would be would matter and this shouldn’t matter either- but it did, because the fall of the universe, while a pretty picture, was not a pretty thought.

“Woah! What’s with that face Kaneki?”

He jolted out of his daydream at hearing Hide’s loud voice in the silence. He made a shushing motion and Hide shrugged, grinning sheepishly.

“So is the window really that interesting?” Hide repeated, this time lowering his headphones and leaning towards him.

He shook his head slowly, a small smile tugging at his lips.

“Did you know we’re made up of stardust?” he asked, knowing full well that what he had just said made no sense. Yet he could see he had piqued Hide’s interest.

“That sounds poetic.”

He nodded at his assertion.

“It is, but eventually there won't be enough cosmic matter left to make stars and stars are dying faster than they're being born, and everything will all be in darkness. And nothing will matter.” He paused to catch his breath, “And I guess that reiterates the point of our existence. Nothing will matter.”

Hide sighed, and straightened his shoulders.

“Negative, because everything is perfectly recycled in the universe and it knows no beginning or end, and maybe we’ll face a big freeze with stars running out of gas to burn on,” he started calmly, “But soon, eventually another big bang would occur.

Because the big bang is theorized to occur at the end of another universe.” He ended his point by grinning at him as if this was the most casual conversation ever.

Kaneki could feel his heart beat speeding up.

“But in five million years nothing will matter. If there is a Big Bang this won't matter.” He tried, his argument sounding feeble to his own ears, because what Hide had said, that _made sense._

“Fourteen billion years of everything matters. It’s something and that’s what matters, everything matters.”

His mouth felt dry.

“But for how long?”

Hide was staring at his hands: “Forever-”

“Because we last a few more decades and that's that,” Kaneki continued, the feeling of hopelessness and inescapable fondness for Hide overcoming him.

“No we don’t, we live forever our molecules never disintegrate. They change to form new things. So, we live forever.” Hide looked up at him and winked, “Everything is immortal in a way.”

He licked his lips: “It never fades?” His voice sounded small.

“Matter can neither be created nor destroyed- Only change.”

It was as if a blindfold had been pulled off and he could finally see.

“You're saying we're made of Hitler, and Ghandi, and Jesus, and Stalin?” He was whispering.

“Parts of them, and parts of Mother Teresa, and countless serial killers. Good and bad.”

Did Hide even know how profound he was being? How he was making his thoughts crash around him and building up newer, and more hopeful ones? Did Hide know how he was affecting him?

Of course not.

“That’s a nice thought.” He said finally.

Hide grinned.

“You’re welcome.”

* * *

She was leaning onto him and they were staring at her wall, seated on the sofa, like it was the most interesting thing in the world. But it genuinely wasn’t.

He was well acquainted with this particular pale blue wall though, the paint was peeling on the top left corner and there were several small cracks and a stain from when Touka had thrown a juice carton and it had exploded.

“I’m sorry,” Hide said, their fingers intertwining slowly and she sighed, her breath grazing his neck.

“Why are you sorry?” she asked, her voice tired.

“I don’t know but you want to hear it.”

He was suddenly too tired, the adrenaline from his relief had died down and he was tired. And he wanted her to know that he meant his apology, and he wanted her to feel better because he didn’t like her subdued and forlorn. He didn’t like her sad silence. And to his relief she let out a startled laugh.

“Fucking weirdo.”

He smiled, “You love me.”

“I hate you.”

There was silence, before her hand tightened around his and she inched closer. He stroked his thumb over the back of her hand reassuringly.

“I love you.” It sounded vulnerable, and he wanted to pull her close.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked her quietly.

“Why are you?” She retorted.

He bit his lip, because that was it. He didn’t know.

Why was he doing all of this?

“I think I have a crush.” Hide said light-heartedly.

He finally admitted it. Surely it was an infatuation.

But he finally said it out loud and that was an achievement in his book.

She snorted in response.

“Fuck, you could’ve fooled me,” her tone was bitingly sarcastic.

“Touka,” he hesitated. Her hand tightened around his, and he squeezed it.

“I need to join the Ghouls.” 

* * *

 

Kimi was having fun, entranced by the city she had spent most of her life in. And Hide’s parents were _fun_ and sweet and bright like their son- although she would never admit that.

However she was a bit too caught up in the city, and she was a bit too caught up in the enjoyment. She didn’t really notice the elders exchanging glances and hurriedly leaving in favour of meeting a family friend they hadn’t seen in years.

Of course it was reasonable.

And Kimi nodded politely, and bid them goodbye as they boarded the train and she returned to having fun. 

* * *

 

It had always seemed like such a lovely belief to him- the idea of God. Someone that watches over you constantly and _loved you._ He loved you enough to place these restrictions, on you, on your life. And these were reasonable restrictions. Don’t lie. Don’t kill.

Don’t hurt others intentionally.

But when it came to life it was very hard, if not near impossible to follow through with these. Everyone lied.

_Everyone lied._

So many deaths, so many murders took place for self righteous reasons, and were those justified?

But then again everyone died, so would it really matter how quickly or how late in life they died?

Was there anyone that got through their lives unhurt by others, more so those they loved? Maybe he was slightly biased in his judgment when it came to that particular subject.

However, it wasn’t as if he was opposed to the belief that someone was watching over you, rather he found the concept fascinating. To believe someone was watching over you, and loving you eternally and irrevocably.

It seemed soothing.

Yet absurd.

Irrevocable love in his life had been strange. Painful.

Irrevocable love felt like his lungs were inhaling nicotine and instead of dying from the black coating they were just writhing and choking and begging to inhale more. And they hurt. But they hurt so nicely. And maybe he was an emotional masochist when it came to love, but it was only ever good when he was caught in the high of being loved.

Like with his mother.

A love he was slowly killing himself for, and enjoying his own downfall.

He had tried. He truly had.

He had tried his best not to love at all, and he knew it was going to be hard, but he had felt so _ready._ He had felt so hurt all the time, and so guarded and he had felt that he knew how to keep himself best guarded. Not let his walls down. Surround himself in blood, and sex, and poetry. The perfect tragic protagonist who would not let anyone in.

But loving Hide was just so easy.

He made it so easy.

And it was just _unfair._

It wasn’t as if Hide had rejected him. No.

It was just that Hide hadn’t trusted him, had been wary of him. And Kaneki knew he hadn’t given much reason for Hide to think otherwise but he had just hoped and he had hoped so much and he hadn’t thought it would come crashing down. And now that it was, the reality was so painful.

And in his haze he brokenly stumbled to the client he was supposed to attend to.

* * *

 

It was dark he noted absent-mindedly, his face throbbing from where he had been struck. Hide was okay though.

He was relieved, and he wanted to laugh.

Because he was in feminine leather jacket, his face hidden behind an old scarf, and he was walking to the fourteenth ward.

And he had a resolve. He had a resolve, and it involved Kaneki.

It involved a large part of Kaneki.

And looking at the cloudy sky, he realized with a grin, he had never felt more free. 

* * *

He hadn’t signed up for this. He had most definitely not signed up for this.

There were rules at his job. There was a small set of rules, and this was most definitely going against them. And he was stuck. He was stuck, and his mind felt hazy, and he was tied, and a sense of fear was crawling up his skin.

Maybe he deserved this.

He yelped out in pain when he felt his back being struck, and there was a growl. And it hurt. It hurt more than when his aunt had hit him, and the fact that he was blindfolded and confused and scared made it hurt more. His skin was burning so badly, and it was starting to hurt to breathe.

“Scream.”

He did. And his legs gave way, and it felt as if along with his heart his body was being ripped apart.

And he screamed again.

And there was a cacophony of laughter, and he felt as if he was drowning in it.

He screamed, spluttering, coughing and trying to compose himself.

“He screams louder than that kid boss done in.”

It was as if there was a sheet of film between him and the men, but he was vaguely aware of their words.

Then there was agony. His body was shaking, and he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t stop the scream that ripped itself from his throat. And he couldn’t do anything as he weakly tugged at the restraints.

He didn’t sign up for- he couldn’t… Did he deserve this?

“Boss gives me the creeps, with his fingers cracking and shit.” He could barely hear them. The laughter, the groans, his screams rang in his ears.

He was going to faint. He was going to pass out at any second.

He gritted his teeth

It hurt because he was just so _fucking vulnerable._

“Don’t let him hear you say that. Don’t call him boss either.”

And he was vulnerable because of him.

Hide.

He could taste blood.

“What do we call him?”

Another scream.

More laughter.

A well orchestrated performance.

“Jason.”

He screamed.

* * *

He wasn’t sure how long he lay there after the men left, but when the sun started to rise, he moved his protesting muscles of the ground and somehow managed to get on his feet.

He limped through the mostly empty bar. He could see a couple of people slumped over tables, and he purposely avoided making eye contact with Uta, who was practically boring holes into his back with his intense gaze.

He wanted to collapse, he wanted to go somewhere where he wouldn’t be found and just sleep.

Sleep forever.

He finally exited the hellhole, his legs shaking, and he grabbed onto the wall for support. He hadn’t even showered, just thrown on the first article of clothing that would make him decent and left.

He was so disgusting.

He was gasping softly and he struggled to compose himself.

Everything just hurt.

“Kaneki?”

He raised his eyes, and no, it couldn't be. Hide? Hide was here.

Why was Hide here?

Why was he looking at him so tenderly, with so much concern?

Why was he here at such a bad time?

He thought he was the killer.

He thought Kaneki was the killer when in reality the killer was Kaneki's worst nightmare.

He could feel his face falling.

“Hide.” His voice cracked, and Hide’s arms were around him in an instant.

And he was clutching onto him, his fingers digging into Hide's arms, and he was sobbing. Loud, unpleasant, agonized and  _heart wrenching_ sobs. 

And it was such a relief.

To be weeping.

* * *

I try to scream and I try to cry,

And every inch of my skin and every pore of my body,

Screams,

To drown,

And to die.

My brain knows and my heart understands,

There are flaws in me and my love.

The love that holds me close,

Makes me choke, and helps me breathe.

And I drown, and writhe-

I want to

Fly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hide had no fucking idea what he was saying with the space stuff, but it works right?


	12. I promised myself I wouldn't let you complete me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And he was a grown man hugging another grown man in front of a bar and sobbing loudly. And he was aware of the fact that he was incoherently blubbering but he was just so overwhelmed.
> 
> He was just in so much pain, and Hide was holding him, and he was leaning into the touch greedily. Because it was honest.
> 
> It wasn’t filthy and it made him feel clean.
> 
> Like he was worth something.

When he started crying, it was cliché to say that it felt like a dam had been burst open. But it was, it was as if he couldn’t stop, and Hide was just being so _good._ He was rubbing his back and making shushing sounds and it was just so comforting.

And he was a grown man hugging another grown man in front of a bar and sobbing loudly. And he was aware of the fact that he was incoherently blubbering but he was just so overwhelmed.

He was just in so much pain, and Hide was _holding_ him, and he was leaning into the touch greedily. Because it was honest.

It wasn’t filthy and it made him feel clean.

Like he was worth something.

And it raised so many confusing thoughts in his head but he couldn’t afford to care because he was holding Hide tighter, and Hide was reciprocating in the same way.

He thought back to the time he was younger when his thoughts weren’t a tangle of wires and those wires didn’t scare him- as if they were coiled snakes waiting to pounce. And he thought back to the time when a job and his aunt were vague, background associations that didn’t matter and, there were rare sunny days with his mother. And he thought about how pretty he found hidden words in books and how intricately every author laced them together to create the most enchanting things. And he didn’t understand them. Oh! How he wished he could understand them. But he didn’t need to understand everything to read. And he read and read, and he read until he was the hero, and he was the best friend and he was the lover. And he read until he realized that it was just a form of escape, and he was in reality just a lonely, lost little boy. Craving to be someone’s best friend, someone’s hero. Someone’s lover.

And he was crying harder.

Because he could lace pretty words together now, and he could understand the intricacies that were poured into each and every enchanting rhyme, and he could _understand._ But he could never be anyone’s anything.

And he was the dirty finger prints at the corner of pristine books and the tea stain on book covers and he was something that would always be frowned upon. And Hide was here, and Hide was every love confession ever and he knew Hide was too good. He was too good.

And he was crying until he was choking on his own sobs, and Hide was stroking his head.

_Too good._

And that only made him cry harder, and he felt those lips pressing against his head.

And his heart ached, because he was confused and his legs were shaking, and he could feel the world spinning around him, and his body felt so heavy and maybe it was good. That was what was good. Not Hide- Hide was _too good._ Too good to be good for him, and he wanted to fall.

And he _hurt._

And the snakes that were his thoughts uncoiled and attacked, filling him to the brim with venomous thoughts. And he realized he was more welcoming then he should be.

But that was okay.

And he fell.

* * *

 

It was odd. He felt as if he had forgotten how it felt to have the sun beat down on your face. To actually feel warmth travel through your body from a look alone. And he had definitely forgotten what affection felt like. Because he had spent most of his time becoming numb. Encasing himself in ice, and snow. And lies.

And guilt.

And pain. God, there was so much pain.

And he had gone and done what he had wanted to avoid. He had let himself get closer to Hide, and he had gone and rubbed his ink stained fingers over the other, and Hide had said Kaneki was a blank slate. He’d never forget the moment those words were uttered. No. He’d definitely never forget. But, he was guilty for not correcting Hide when he had the chance. He wasn’t blank. He was a mess; A mess of writing and swirls and ink stains and forgotten lists of things to do and discarded poetry and love notes and pained cries for help. And he’d tainted Hide.

And he had felt that warmth and he had felt the sun, and he had felt alive and pained and confused and _agonized._ Because that’s the feeling that accompanies betrayal, and that’s what he’d felt.

Hurt. But Hide’s eyes, and smile and concern.

It made him warm again, and he was drowning again, inhaling in warmth instead of darkness.

 

And sometimes with an artists precision

And poets thoughts

I weave up ways to leave

This world

This field of lilies

And I’m engulfed in shattered dreams

And butterfly wings

And I pull

And break

And cry, and I’m gone

* * *

Hide gingerly ran his finger’s over the other male’s face. His fingers caressing the dip of his chin, over his jaw, stroking his cheeks. The only sound other than his even breathing and Kaneki’s ragged one was the beeping of the machines behind him.

He clenched his jaw. He had been so stupid.

So stupid.

When he had told Touka about wanting to join the Ghouls she hadn’t said anything for the longest time. Just stared at his face, her gaze heavy and meaningful, searching his expression.

He’d stared back hopefully- she’d been more compromising than ever. And it made him feel like he had a chance. He knew what he had to do.

He had to join the danger to avoid the danger and protect his parents. If he knew what was going on from the good guys perspective through both the Ghouls and the CCG he’d be able to keep his parents out of harms way, as well as keep an eye on Kaneki who he was getting almost unhealthily and rapidly attached to.

He had remembered reading somewhere that it didn’t matter too much how long you had spent with someone and that wasn’t the defining factor of a friendship.

Maybe that was what his and Kaneki’s case was.

Or maybe it was the fact that he had started to have this untimely infatuation which threw all logical thought out the window for him. Yeah.

Maybe it was that.

Of course, Touka had surprised him, grabbing him by the collar and punching him in the face. He winced at the skin on skin contact, and she let him go.

“What the hell-” he started, nursing his injured cheek.

“You have a fucking death wish.” She growled, shucking off her jacket and tossing it on his face. He pulled it off, staring at it nervously.

“Am I in?” he asked, running his fingers down the coarse fabric, admiring the symbols printed on it. Touka’s lips were pressed together angrily as she watched him.

“I’ll see.”

He took that as a positive sign, getting to his feet and pulling the jacket on. It smelled like metal and bleach.

She eyed him.

“Kaneki’s in the fourteenth ward, you should go to him.”

“Why?”

He wanted to seem indifferent.

He tugged the jacket closer around him.

Touka shrugged, turning away from him, and he heard her sigh softly.

“He might need you.”

And he had. He definitely had.

He ran his eyes over the other boy’s tired bruised face and a surge of anger shot through him. Anger at himself, anger at whoever did this to him, and anger at whatever fake family Kaneki had.

Kaneki didn’t deserve this.

Kaneki didn’t deserve any pain.

“You gotta wake up man.” He mumbled, running his hand through Kaneki’s sweat dampened hair. His forehead was still burning up and Hide sighed, clucking in worry.

There was nothing he could do right now.

The doctors had reassured him of that much.

He should probably call his parents.

He pulled out his phone from his jacket, his eyes still trained on Kaneki, slowly making their way down the numerous bruises that littered his pale arms. His heart twisting as he recalled Kaneki wincing every time Hide would touch him.

He dialed their number.

Hide wasn’t stupid- and it was becoming a common occurrence where he was constantly reassuring himself that no- in reality he really wasn’t stupid. But he had missed so many tell-tale signs of abuse with Kaneki and he hadn’t been able to piece together that Kaneki in fact hadn’t been the killer and he had just messed up. And he still wasn’t aware of the full story.

It was frustrating.

He didn’t realize that his mom had answered the call.

“Uh, Hello!” he said hurriedly, jolted back into reality.

“Hide, are you okay?”

Her voice was muffled, and he could hear voices in the background.

“Yeah! I’m great; I just want to let you know that I’m staying over at a friend’s house for work stuff. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

He could tell how off his voice sounded, but he struggled to make it as upbeat as possible.

There was a pause from his mother on the phone and he gulped. He heard a loud exclamation of sorts from the background. It didn’t sound like his dad’s voice. Where was she? Wasn’t she supposed to have been with Kimi?

It was the early hours of the morning now so she should be home.

And she sounded alert.

“Alright Hide. Stay safe.”

She sounded occupied.

“Love you.”

He cut the call, letting out a breath of air and dropping his head in his hands. He was missing class tomorrow that was for sure, and he was going to stay till Kaneki woke up.

He looked up and gingerly touched Kaneki’s hand, his slender fingers icy in his own warm grip. Slowly, gently he entwined his hand with the others and with a deep breath continued the waiting game.

* * *

He was reading, and he was laughing at something. He could hear Hide’s voice; he could feel him pressed up against him.

And he was so warm.

And he was laughing harder, hard enough that his stomach started to hurt. And his hand, his hand was burning up.

He could feel his eyes crinkling as he turned to meet Hide’s eyes. And when he did Hide was already looking at him.

Adoration deliciously evident in his gaze, and he could feel his cheeks heating up. He was so warm, and his hand felt like it was burning. He wanted to move, but Hide was moving closer.

And his breath caught in his throat as he looked at the blonde expectantly.

His hand was in pain now, his throat starting to hurt.

But he could feel Hide’s warm breath fanning across his face and he shivered.

And when Hide’s lips connected with his, he kissed back.

He was burning.

Kissing back, but melting like wax under a candle and he desperately pulled Hide closer, tears leaking from his eyes because it _hurt._ But oh, he wanted to burn to the ground.

Hide was moving back, but he pulled him back. More roughly than he intended.

There wasn’t much resistance.

He was groaning and he could _feel_ Hide’s smile. And he couldn’t help but smile in return.

An unconscious part of his mind wondered whether Hide was someone who was thriving of schadenfreude. But the thought was absurd and pushed aside as Hide’s soft lips moved against his own burning ones.

And he was falling apart.

He wanted to burn for Hide.

* * *

He winced at opening his eyes, squinting at the ceiling and hurriedly closed them again. It took him a few seconds to gather himself and as a knee jerk reaction he tried to push himself up but his body felt too heavy.

His throat was parched and he coughed at the discovery.

Why was he so tired?

Like a dead weight.

Suddenly he felt movement near his arm, and he turned his head weakly.

He nearly had a heart attack when he met Hide’s sleepy eyes.

“Hide?” he croaked, coughing weakly.

There was a beat of pin-drop silence and statue like stillness before Hide jolted into activity.

Hide shot up, grabbing a glass from his bedside and helping him sit up to drink it. He sipped at it gratefully, his throat feeling instantly soothed.

The burning that was engulfing him reasonably quenched.

But where was he?

And why was Hide looking at him so worriedly?

_Was this a dream?_

It certainly felt like one. A fairy-tale surely?

He felt safer than he had for a long time, and he didn’t even know where he was. There was beeping around him. _A hospital?_

He was at a hospital.

How was he at a hospital?

“Hide?” he tried again, feeling a little stronger.

“I’m glad you’re awake.”

He felt his heart sink, heat rising to his cheeks. He was confused and scared.

And shit! He couldn’t afford this. He couldn’t even afford his mother’s treatment how was he going to get through these bills.

And he’d have to take on more clients- and then there was the Ghouls work.

And the killer…

They had to find the killer-

It was like a switch being turned on and the memories of the previous night hit him.

The men- and-

He pressed his arm to his stomach wincing, his eyes running over the bruises littering his skin. Shit.

Shit.

And Hide was here, and he had completely broken down like a huge fucking idiot.

Suddenly he felt warm fingers lightly touching his chin, and he turned to look at Hide- and Hide had an expression so similar to the one that he had dreamed off that he nearly pulled away. But he didn’t.

He couldn’t.

He reveled in the touch.

“Hey, don’t think right now,” he murmured, running his thumb over his chin and Kaneki shivered. He wanted more of that touch.

Instead, he blinked.

“Okay.”

Hide smiled. Not his generic smile. But _his_ smile.

The extreme panic and revulsion that had risen over him started to dissipate from that single look.

And he couldn’t help but smile back.

* * *

He didn’t know why they were holding hands. He didn’t know where Hide was taking him either.

But he knew he felt warm and happy and so content that he genuinely wanted to cry. And he could cry.

He had ended up shattering a glass and sobbing over it into Hide’s shoulder for an hour afterwards. And as stupid as it sounded it was the most soothing thing ever. And Hide was always _so_ patient and just there for him and overall lovely. And he hadn’t pushed Kaneki for answers, and Kaneki knew he wanted them but he needed time.

And he needed a lot of it.

But he trusted Hide as absurd it was. He trusted him way more than he should. And it was as if he had slowly entwined himself with him, and every time Hide would flash him that smile he could feel himself being wound even tighter and falling even harder- and Hide didn’t know it.

He couldn’t know it.

“We’re here!”

At his friend’s excited exclamation he raised his eyes to see a large apartment complex, guessing Hide had brought him to his flat.

A flutter of excitement went through him, the whole activity feeling more intimate to him than it probably was. He had never been at a good friend’s house for recreation- and he was looking more than a little forward to it. After all it would be an inside view into Hide’s life; a doorway to more sunshine.

“Before we go in, like I should warn you,” Hide started, making him freeze. Had he done something wrong? He technically was intruding. But then again Hide was the one that had brought him there.

And there was a stray lock of hair that was sticking up like an antenna on Hide’s head and all he wanted to do was smooth it down, and maybe run his hands through his hair. And- no.

“My parents are there and they ask a lot of questions so like- hopefully that’s cool with you?” Hide continued, and he sighed in relief internally.

It seemed like for once Hide was completely oblivious to his dilemma.

“Oh, of course,” he replied, hoping he hadn’t stayed quiet too long, lost in his thoughts.

Hide smiled again, gently tugging at their linked hands to lead them upstairs.

* * *

 

Kaneki couldn’t take his eyes off him. There was something intimate and compelling to be sitting in Hide’s apartment. To be watching him make him food. And the sense of domesticity made his heart swell.

He had never been in this position. He wasn’t entirely sure if he was supposed to be feeling so overwhelmed.

He supposed not.

There was an intense surrealistic quality to this whole scenario for him.

“You better not forget to take those medicine,” Hide chided, placing the bowl of ramen in front of his, his expression mock stern. Kaneki chuckled to himself quietly and nodded, thanking him.

He felt warm from the concern.

The chair across from him was pulled back and Hide sat down with a contented sigh.

They ate in amiable silence, no one there to disturb them.

Upon entry to the apartment they had found the whole place eerily empty. He had noticed Hide’s confusion but just as quickly Hide had schooled his expression into a smile so normal it was as if he hadn’t felt anything other than that.

Now everything was calm, soft. Like a watercolour painting painted with the warmest of hues leaking into each other. And Hide’s face is soft, his lips lifted into a smile that screams fond.

And he cannot for the life of him figure out what he’s found to be fond of.

The sunlight filtering through the windows into the small but homely apartment, and the bright eyed boy across from him; it’s hard convincing him that this isn’t a dream.

And when Hide lifts his head to smile at him, and his brown eyes crinkle at the corners he can feel his heart beat speed up.

Maybe this is his dream.

 

* * *

“What’s the first thought that crosses your mind when you think about the belief that humans are conditioned to live in a way that they believe that they cannot die?”

Kaneki looked up from his nails towards Hide who was swinging on his desk chair.

“More philosophical stuff?” he asked, trying not to slur his words and clearly failing. The medicine he had taken was taking its toll on him, his eyes were drooping closed and he was struggling to stay up just to look polite even though he was half asleep, leaning against Hide’s head frame.

“Come on Kaneki!”

He smiled.

“I think it’s sad. We’d be happier not knowing about the inevitability of death.”

Hide snorted at his answer and he turned to him to give him his most withering glare. In his sleep deprived state there was no doubt that that was not how it had turned out.

“That would be like living in a dream.”

It was his turn to snort at Hide’s response.

“Already living in a dream,” he mumbled, his eyes finally dropping shut; missing Hide’s smile faltering and concern clouding his expression.

Missing his eyes softening.

Missing the small kiss he pressed to the side of his head, and softly padded out the room.

And he dreamt.

 

* * *

“Are you joking?” Nishiki whispered, gesturing at his door.

Hide shrugged in response.

“You know what he’s living with. I don’t,” he raised his eyes to meet Nishiki’s who was towering over him. “I mean I have a pretty good guess. But you know, don’t you senpai?”

His tone was completely neutral, a small smile on his lips. And Kimi was leaning against Nishiki imploringly.

He had to fight to contain his growing smile.

“Stop calling me that.” The response was weak.

“He won’t agree you know. But he should know he has somewhere to go, if he needs to,” Hide continued.

Kimi was kneading the back of Nishiki’s neck, her intelligent eyes fixed on Hide.

He knew he was in for a talk with her later.

“Whatever,” he huffed finally, glaring at Hide, “But your parents are here. Good lck explaining your sexuality to them.” His jibe held no malice.

It was a victory.


	13. I clutched your arms, you eased my ailings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When they started mentioning things like how he had basically tricked Hide into this friendship and was roping him into a relationship and how he was basically social murder for someone like Hide.
> 
> Or how Hide was only with him out of pity.
> 
> It left him feeling vulnerable and shaken.
> 
> It left him feeling hurt.

He heard them, all the rumors, and as well as he had conditioned himself he wasn’t entirely immune to the venomous things he heard about himself. It was like a buzzing, different poisonous versions of the same story with words twisted in ways to satisfy the tellers own sick amusement. And it was hard to ignore sometimes- just like a constant fact being drilled into your head; Two plus two equals four. Sometimes Kaneki found himself doubting his own authenticity, his own self. They sometimes became impossible to ignore. Especially when they hit so close to home; regarding things he cared so much about.

And it never had been about him.

He didn’t matter.

But when they started mentioning things like how he had basically tricked Hide into this friendship and was roping him into a relationship and how he was basically social murder for someone like Hide.

Or how Hide was only with him out of pity.

It left him feeling vulnerable and shaken.

It left him feeling _hurt_.

It only made sense seeing as Hide was so _nice_ \- an un-ironic ray of sunshine. And even if this friendship had blossomed out of pity Kaneki couldn’t find it in himself to fault Hide for it. He was pretty sure after the past two or three weeks he was ready to forgive Hide for literal murder.

And the thought didn’t frighten him as much as it should have.

It just left an ache in him that was more prominent than the numerous bruises that littered his body. And hearing Hide’s laughter growing closer and closer made him realize that he was more content- he was still sad- but the contentment was soft and engulfing him in its warm embrace and when Hide sat down next to him, amber eyes glowing, he realized that yeah- he was happy.

The rumors were only background noise- and while he had Hide he had everything he could ask for.

His sunshine.

His salvation.

Yeah, he was definitely happy.

* * *

When he had returned to his aunt’s house she hadn’t been happy. That would actually be an understatement- she had been furious.

Shoving him into his room, knocking him back against the wall and digging her teeth into his neck.

And his head had swam with confusion for a few a seconds- he was getting so used to gentle touches that he had forgotten what pain felt like. But that was impossible for him in the long run.

The next few minutes he’d spent gasping, and trying to muffle his cries of discomfort as she ran her long nails over closing wounds, tugging them open and he had been unable to hold back the pained sounds that left his lips after that.

“Don’t forget your place Ken. Don’t forget what you owe us.”

Lips had pressed against his own and he had numbly took it, the bite sharper than he remembered.

“You’re mine until you pay off the money. And you’ve lost me a lot of customers in the past few days Ken.”

She settled around him comfortably and he could never get over his self loathing at these moments. The roughness always unnatural- almost laughable considering that was what he best knew.

It had been painful, her fingers pricking his skin like thorns and the disgust was unbearable when he watched her numbly reach her high.

Before leaving she had grabbed his face, her breath warm against his face and he had wanted to vomit desperately.

“You’ve lost me so much money Ken. So much…”

He had shivered at her words, not sure of her intentions after what she had just done- usually she just left him, didn’t stay to punish him further.

“Clean up pretty for tonight, I was informed it’s going to be very busy for you.”

He’d swallowed, and she’d left him, hips swishing, humming an eerie song in her wake.

And sliding to the ground in a pained heap, he’d felt the full burden of his terror, his guilt. He hadn’t been able to provide his proper payment for this month. How was he going to pay for his mother’s treatment? They’d kick her out of the hospital, she’d die.

He’d let his mother die.

It was his entire fault.

_How was everything going to be okay now?_

And the pain was making his vision swim.

And he couldn’t stop thinking about how he felt like a used animal.

With a sigh he felt the unbearable burden of sleep overcome him.

A few minutes of nothingness couldn’t hurt.

* * *

That sentiment had been flawed because he’d been awakened with loud knocking against his door and he had scrambled up, leaning on his elbows, groaning at the pain that shot through his back as he struggled with himself. Hissing, he managed to sit up but even through that his head was spinning.

He was going to be sick, he could feel it.

The knocking continued, making his head pound right along with the door.

“Kaneki? You awake? Can I come in?”

His body tensed in surprise.

It wasn’t his aunt.

“Hide?” His voice came out a quiet groan and the knocking stopped immediately.

“K-Kaneki, I’m coming inside okay.”

He didn’t get a chance to feel self conscious about his disheveled appearance or why the room smelled like blood, sweat and sex. The door slowly slid open to reveal Hide looking contemplative, almost like he was bracing himself for the worst. His eyes travelled over the sparse space that was his room and finally landed on him, slightly widening and usual tanned complexion paling.

This would be twice that he was seeing him in this messed up state and Kaneki couldn’t even tell him properly what happened; His throat too sore to be too efficient.

“I’m going to help you to your feet, okay Kaneki?”

He realized he didn’t have enough energy to nod properly, so he let out a sound which he hoped would convey assent.

Hide didn’t say anything after that, gingerly approaching him, and when he touched his arm Kaneki found himself flinching away.

Pity dripped from Hide and Kaneki had to grit his teeth at seeing the familiar emotion on his face.

His warm hands had gripped his shoulder, then his waist, lifting him up. Once on his feet he had swayed dangerously and Hide had slid beside him and pulled his arm over his shoulder, being careful not to touch him more than necessary.

It annoyed Kaneki that he noticed that.

It annoyed him that it bothered him so much.

Of course Hide didn’t want to touch him. He was dirty, disgusting.

Gross.

_Unclean._

When it came to Hide it was as if his normal emotions had tripled in capacity and he had no rational way of coping with them.

Heavily leaning on Hide and being led into a car he didn’t question what was happening or where he was going or how Hide knew where he lived. He just leaned against Hide tiredly and felt himself drift off.

* * *

The next day had been the first time he had met Hide’s parents and he felt like he had been dropped in the middle of a fairy tale.

As soon as his eyes had fluttered open he had been disconcerted and had shifted a little, his whole body aching. Only then had he noted that he was back in Hide’s room.

And his throat felt dry. Like sandpaper.

“H-Hide?” he croaked out. There was frantic shuffling from the ground and a sleepy looking Hide had quickly gotten to his feet, pressing his hand against his cheek. He could feel his face reddening.

“How are you feeling?”

Hide’s eyes had been hazy from sleep and Kaneki unknowingly nuzzled into his hand, craving the warmth.

“Can I-Water please?” He rephrased his sentence quickly realizing how much it hurt to talk. Hide nodded, retracting his hand gently and leaving the room to bring him a glass of water.

On his return he had been tailed by a kindly looking woman who, upon seeing Kaneki awake had immediately started fussing over him. She fluffed his pillows, closed the curtains properly, straightened his sheets and _talked._

“Hide was worried sick about you!” she exclaimed, throwing a fond look towards her son and Hide had immediately reddened. “We nearly had a heart-attack when he carried you inside, with you looking so sickly and gosh! You’re going red! Is your fever returning?!”

And just like that she was back to fussing, mumbling about how weak college boys were and how bad their diets were and her soft hands through his hair had him smiling.

If someone had asked him what good parents would be like he realized he would have missed a few good qualities that the Nagachika’s preserved. And being pampered by them he almost always felt a pang of loneliness because he would never have this, and spending this time with them left him with a sweet sense of warmth and a bittersweet feeling that diluted all his senses.

* * *

“This is what happens when he goes back to that bitch’s house.” He was back to pacing and Touka and Kimi were watching him worriedly while Nishiki lounged on the arm chair with a can of coffee.

“Well no one made him go back,” Nishiki said, his arm stretching over to the sofa towards Kimi, their hands interlinked lazily.

“Yeah! But we didn’t stop him- and look- she… ugh,” he ran his hand through his hair trying not to recall the scene, not to remember the infuriating haughtiness the beautiful woman who had opened the door had presented. She wasn’t worth it. And she most definitely did not deserve to touch Kaneki.

How fucking dare she touch him.

He was seething. The blood on Kaneki, the whispered groans and the sounds of pain from his mouth were still ringing in his ears. When Kaneki had collapsed on him in front of the bar he had selfishly still been on a high. He hadn’t expected it, but he hadn’t seen the full brunt of the wounds. He hadn’t seen anything. And before that the bruises, the horrible, horrible things that Kaneki was going through were carefully kept under wraps and he had only seen a glamorized version of Kaneki’s life. Carefully edited, only to show the nice clean things.

And if it wasn’t for that file that he had stolen he’d still be so oblivious.

If he hadn’t snooped around behind Kaneki’s back he’d know absolutely nothing- and the thought made his blood run cold.

But after seeing the full effect of Kaneki’s living conditions, his wounds, his _self_   on display- the whole thing had left him reeling.

“Hide, you realize he chose this life right?” Touka questioned, and it took him a good few minutes to process what she had said.

“Excuse me?” he asked her incredulously, turning to stare at her in shock. She stared back at him, her eye contact unwavering.

“Did I stutter?”

He shouldn’t continue to answer her, she seemed to be worked up and he knew she got emotional quickly. But he wasn’t thinking. He was already so angry.

“You think he fucking picked his position in this world? He wanted to enter a family that hurt him?” He swallowed angrily, his eyes prickling with unwanted tears, “That were molesting him!? You think he picked that!?”

This was the most aggressive he had been with Touka.

She didn’t hesitate in answering him, her face screwed up with anger.

“He fucking picked to join us, this fucking gang Hide- he fucking picked to join the other side and get people _killed._ He picked to go to jail,” she was on her feet, striding over, “He picked all of this,” she jabbed him in the chest, her face reddening.

“And he picked to fuck up his life further, _okay Hide?_ ” she hissed, glaring at him.

“He’s a good fucking person Touka, and he doesn’t fucking deserve this!”

She glared at him for a few seconds, silent, her eyes blazing, her hands clenched into fists at her sides.

“You’ve literally known him a few months, and you come here pouncing around thinking you know every fucking thing about him. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW, HUH HIDE?” she shouted.

“All you’re doing is thinking with your dick anyway,” she said venomously, pushing him a little.

He staggered back a few steps staring at her incredulously.

He wasn’t sure what he was feeling at that moment. Shock. Anger. Hurt. He couldn’t believe his best friend would say something like that. He couldn’t believe that she just couldn’t see his side.

What the fuck had Kaneki done to her that she was willing to turn a blind eye to all the shit he was going through?

He swallowed again, licking his lips.

He had caused her to get so worked up. It was partly his fault. And he couldn’t let this end with a bad taste in his mouth.

There was pin drop silence in the room and he glanced at Kimi, noting her anxious expression. He took a deep breath.

“Yeah, you’re right.” It hurt to say that.

He pulled his lips up into one of his easy smiles, smoothening out his forehead.

Nishiki was also uncharacteristically quiet, watching them in uneasy silence.

“I don’t know anything, Touka chan.” He didn’t, he knew some things, he wished he knew more.

She stayed where she was.

“But I aim to find out.” He walked to her door, careless of how she took a step forward towards him.

“And I aim to keep him safe.”

He left, letting the door slam shut behind him.

* * *

“Your aunt called,” he said softly, his fingers carded through Kaneki’s hair. He could feel Kaneki freeze against his shoulder.

“Wh-what did she say?” he whispered, his voice frightened.

Hide had rehearsed this in his mind about a hundred times before bringing it up to Kaneki.

“She said she wanted you to come home.” Kaneki swallowed, loud enough for Hide to hear. And he pulled Kaneki a little closer as discreetly as he could manage.

He wanted nothing more than to hold him close and keep him safe and before he’d thought he could manage that. But recently…

Recently he wasn’t so sure.

He couldn’t help much when Kaneki would start crying in his sleep and would stare at him like a frightened animal when woken. He couldn’t do anything when Kaneki would spend an eternity in the shower, and when he’d return his skin would be rubbed raw and red. Hide had realized he really was completely powerless.

But he knew he could protect him from this one thing.

And that one thing was his aunt.

“What did you say?” his voice was getting quieter, more scared. And Hide could feel his heart breaking.

“I told her that wasn’t possible.”

“What do you mean?” Kaneki asked, turning a little against him, so they were almost chest to chest, to look up at him. His eyes were tired, beautiful.

“You can’t really go back there Kaneki,” Hide said softly, trying to avoid looking Kaneki in the eye. In the dimly lit room he saw Kaneki purse his lips.

“It’s not that easy Hide. I have to go back. I-It’s complicated. I need to pay her back.”

Hide licked his lips.

“What do you mean?”

Kaneki sat up so abruptly he froze a little in surprise, ignoring the sudden loss of warmth. He looked distressed, his features tired and haggard.

“My mother is in hospital Hide...” he paused for a second, measuring his expression, Hide nodded- asking him to continue, “She’s dying… and she needs treatment. A-and my aunt is paying the money through me. But my aunt’s taking ca- she’s letting me live in her house and I- I have to pay her for the rent and stuff and it’s a huge cost… And she- She’s struggling with the money. A-and she… My mother- I need to support her somehow. Hi-Hide the payment is really expensive. Hide- I need to pay her debt.”

His breathing was coming out ragged, his breath was hitched. Hide couldn’t help but stare at him, letting the words sink in while Kaneki looked ready to break down.

“Kaneki, she’s… she’s really hurting you Kaneki,” Hide said gently, leaning towards Kaneki slowly. Kaneki winced, backing off, and Hide paused, afraid of pushing him.

“Hide, I owe her everything. I- I owe her for taking care of my mother when I wasn’t around… I just- I need to pay her back Hide.”

“Then pay her back from a different place, you don’t need to be around her to pay her back. You don’t need to live with her do you?”

Kaneki blinked at him, shaking his head slowly.

“I-I don’t have enough money to move out. I- She wants to keep an eye on me anyway…” his voice grew quieter as the sentence progressed. Hide could feel his blood running cold at considering the prospect of what ‘keeping an eye on him’ meant. He clenched his jaw.

“Kaneki you don’t need to work there… you know…”

Kaneki’s head shot up to stare at him in shock.

“You- you know? I-I mean I- I have to, I- don’t-” his voice cracked, “I- I just- my aunt- it’s the best paying and oh God-” Tears were tracking paths down his cheeks, and his voice was wavering.

He wanted to reach out desperately, take his hand and comfort him.

“Hide, I- I just want to- I’m trying- I just I don’t have anywhere to-” he gulped. Hide couldn’t take his misery anymore; hesitantly; carefully; he reached forward taking Kaneki’s hand.

When Kaneki didn’t flinch or pull away, he leaned forward, tugging Kaneki into his arms. And Kaneki fell in easily, a dry sob ripping from his throat and his fingers tangling into the fabric of Hide’s shirt.

“I- I just don’t…”

“We’ll figure something out Kaneki. Don’t worry. I promise, we’ll figure something out. You’re not going back okay? You’re staying with me. I promise it’ll be okay, shhh,” he mumbled into Kaneki’s hair, running his hand over his back.

“I… Hide- I’m so tired…” 

* * *

 

“Earth to Kaneki?” Hide waved his hand in front of his face and Kaneki blinked, snapping out of his reminiscent state.

“Yeah? Sorry, I was thinking about something else,” he said.

Hide smiled, his eyes crinkling and he could feel his own lips tugging up in response. It took him entirely too long to note how close they were sitting next to each other. Their thighs were pressed together and when Hide moved a little, their shoulders bumped together.

Even though Kaneki found himself flinching at the smallest of touches, in the long run he found himself comfortable enough to even enjoy it. He felt safer knowing that Hide was happy to be this close to him, even after everything he’d seen, even after everything he knew. And he felt a twisted satisfaction in knowing that Hide was paying no heed to those rumors and had chosen to spend time with him.

He felt an odd sort of pride.

“I was asking you how you’re feeling.” Hide said, pointing with his chin probably towards the odd finger shaped bruises that littered his neck and jaw.

He sighed, shaking his head fondly. “I’m feeling much better, thank you Hide. But honestly you don’t need to keep asking.”

Hide let out a little laugh.

“If I don’t then you’d keep it all in, and I don’t think I’m ready to see you faint yet again.”

Kaneki could feel himself flushing again.

“I’m not going to faint.”

Hide stuck out his tongue, grinning playfully.

“Yeah you’re not, I’m gonna make sure of that.” His tone was still light but it had serious undertone that Kaneki couldn’t help but notice. He felt his face growing warmer.

“Shut up Hide.”

And Hide laughed out again. And he found himself joining in.

It was a sound he could get used to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im really sorry for the late update but with uni and exams finally ending I'll hopefully be uploading more regularly, fingers crossed for once a week, two at the most.  
> Enjoy the update! :)


	14. Your lips feel heavy beneath me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you ever feel like… Like you’re drowning?”
> 
> Hide perked up at the question.
> 
> “Like, ‘I’m drowning in your beautiful grey eyes’ kinda thing? or ‘Drowning in my sorrows’ kinda thing?”

 

He couldn’t get used to it. Every time Hide laughed he felt himself falling harder and harder. And he knew that Hide’s parents could see it on his face. He knew that even goddamned Nishiki could see it.

He couldn’t help himself. It was impossible not to feel so _fond_ of Hide. He was _so_ bubbly, and funny, and charismatic, and the way his eyes shone when he spoke about something he was passionate about was maddening.

He was sure he could spend his entire life listening to Hide just ranting about some musical album, and sometimes he’d just find himself not paying attention to the words but how they sounded rolling off Hide’s tongue, and how much he loved it when Hide said his name.

He loved hearing Hide whisper it in the middle of the night to wake him from a bad dream, or hearing Hide shout it across university campus, or mumble it while nudging him with his elbow to show him something funny he had found on his phone.

And he found himself getting slightly frightened with how quickly and how much he was becoming attached to Hide.

Now, not only was he interacting with him more frequently, he was interacting with him twenty four seven.

He got to see Hide in his half asleep state, or his whiney pre-breakfast state, or his cute pleading state before his parents. He got to see sides of Hide he’d never thought he’d know.

But Hide was starting to find out stuff about him. And Kaneki couldn’t bear the thought of him finding out what he would do if Touka told him. If he found out more than he already knew.

And at those moments he would quickly sober up and he would realize that his happiness was deluded and short lived and he would end up returning to face his aunt and be in that house forever.

He had stopped going to the bar. He had stopped anything that would link him to his aunt.

But he was rapidly losing money and his mother’s treatment and security was a constant worry.

He needed to find something.

* * *

 

Hide was tugging at the jacket self-consciously and casting discreet anxious glances at the short man standing beside him clad in similar clothing, sporting a gun.

He had been taken to Anteiku only to discover _this_ was an innocent looking coffee shop covering the infamous and _dangerous_ Ghoul’s hideout.

And entering the small back room the gravity of the situation had finally settled on his shoulders.

He was in a dangerous gang. The most dangerous gang in Tokyo.

_For a boy._

_No._

_For his parents._

He faked confidence, straightening his shoulders entering the room. Fake it till you make it, right? Touka’s advice from eons ago. A hush had fallen over the members when he had entered accompanied by the manager- Yoshimura.

Listening to the old man talk about locations, strategy, sufficient ammo stocking was the most surreal experience in his life.

He had come to Tokyo to get a degree.

And now he was strategizing a possible hunt for a murderer and opposing gang. While working for the special investigators who were hunting the very gang he was in.

Thrilling.

Somewhere throughout that talk he found himself gravitating to Kaneki’s side, seeking comfort in his presence. He didn’t miss the unreadable look Touka shot him from across the room where she was seated beside a stony-faced white haired man. He decided not to think too hard on it. After all he had proclaimed in her face that he’d protect Kaneki no matter what.

Yoshimura mentioned Kaneki’s role as the distraction in the plan, and Kaneki nodded easily, accepting the risk within a stride- but he had visibly flinched. Within moments Kaneki’s hand hesitantly brushed against his. He found himself tensing up, glancing at Kaneki who was looking straight ahead at Yoshimura who was still talking directly to him.

“You can maneuver through the back alley and lead them away. Yomo and-” he turned away from Kaneki and just as quickly Kaneki took Hide’s hand in his.

Hide smiled to himself, a few seconds passing while he processed the steady weight and warmth clasped within his hand.

Still looking at Yoshimura he gave Kaneki’s hand a small squeeze. He heard Kaneki’s soft intake of breath and he looked at him from the corner of his eye.

He nearly laughed when he saw his cheeks were red.

Finally, after what seemed like forever the debriefing was done- and it seemed like Hide was sitting this mission out. Probably due to the fact that he had no exceptional self-defense or offense capabilities. Sure he had good stamina from his biking but that’s as far as anything went.

Introductions came shortly afterwards and he was greeted warmly. Yoshimura quickly placed him under the guidance of Koma, the ‘demon ape’ who would be acting as his trainer.

And training was immediate and brutal, and he was tired every time he’d return home. And God forbid he saw Touka during these days because she’d see his bruises and throw him the most shit-eating grin ever.

But those days were the most tiring and most invigorating days he’d ever spent.

* * *

 

Spending a little more time at home gave him chances to realize a lot of things. This included the fact that he got to spend more time with not only Kaneki but his parents as well.

Except, he was starting to notice that they were barely home.

Always sightseeing, always out an about to meet some relative that he didn’t know existed. And he supposed he couldn’t complain- but sometimes he found himself waiting for them till the early hours of the morning and it was worrying him.

He was supposed to take care of them, and they were making that increasingly difficult by traipsing through the night admiring the lights while the killer was on the loose.

Still he liked the time alone with Kaneki.

Who was growing more and more comfortable with him. He didn’t flinch at his touch anymore; not when he knew it was coming.

He actually asked for stuff.

And Hide had always been one to make people smile, and he took great pleasure in that ability normally, but with Kaneki it was like he had won a million yen lottery every time he saw those lips pulling up.

And sometimes Hide would be sitting with him, and they’d be talking about something mundane, and all train of thought would fade. And they’d just sit in silence. Looking at each other.

And it made his heart skip a beat.

And he knew he didn’t have any problems admitting to himself that he definitely was falling harder for Kaneki the more time he spent with him.

And some days he found himself confused about where he was with Kaneki. They’d hold hands whenever they felt they had to, and more often than not they would wake up in the same bed, tangled together. On those days Hide would try to wake up a little earlier so he could just bask in the easy proximity and warmth.

It was when Kaneki had been playing video games with him and had turned to him, a smug smile on his lips that he had found himself leaning forward, feeling so _fond_ , and pressing a light kiss to his forehead that he realized that fuck.

He was so fucked.

* * *

_There were hands everywhere. Roaming down his chest. Around his throat and squeezing, and squeezing. And he couldn’t move and he couldn’t see and he just wanted to die. There was pressure on his chest, on his neck, his legs being pushed back to his chest  roughly. And the pain. God, the pain. He was screaming, no sound, he was choking. And there were moans, and muffled screams, and he felt like he was drowning. Like he was wrapped in a separate layer of polystyrene, and every sensation was like floating through a cloud. And suddenly he could see, and the hands were gone but the pain was still there. Coursing through his veins and all he wanted to do was scream. And he could hear his tears. Drip. Drip. Drip. Maybe he was drowning. Drip._

_“Maybe you should.”_

_It sounded like his aunt._

_Should what? He wanted to ask, but he was still incapable of producing clear sound. White ceiling was all he could see and it was twisting, and twining and morning glories and lotuses littered his vision and the scent of blood hit him. It was coming from them. It was coming from him. Impure, impure, impure. He was tainted, he was a wreck. He wanted to die._

_“Maybe you should.”_

_His breath caught. His vision was gone again. The hands were back. Forcing him down. The pain returning ten-fold. And he was being used. Over, and over, and over. And he was screaming._

_That had been Hide’s voice._

* * *

And he woke up to Hide shaking him. His breath caught, and he could feel his vision clouding with tears. Shit.

“Kaneki, Kaneki, you’re okay. Breathe.”

It was that voice. The same voice. He couldn’t handle this.

His breathing was growing shallower. It was the same voice.

Telling him to go die.  The same voice he’d been falling desperately in love with, and Hide oh God, Hide was so close. And Hide had been perpetually _hurting_ him. The more logical part of his brain was screaming at him about how stupid he was being.

He couldn’t help it. He felt backed into a corner.

And Hide was everywhere, and he found himself skittering back against the wall, as far as he could get from him, only stopping when he roughly bumped his head against it.

His heart was beating rapidly and he could feel sweat breaking out on his forehead.

“Kaneki… Kaneki you’re okay, it’s just me.”

His voice was soothing. It was terrifying. He was starting to shiver.

Hide reached for him, and he instinctively flinched back. Hide paused.

“Can I touch you?” his voice was soft, and Kaneki took a shaky breath. He didn’t want to say no, he didn’t want to say no. He was so scared. He didn’t want to be touched, he didn’t want to hurt. He was so _scared._

“I-I-” the tears were coming faster and he struggled to compose himself.

And slowly, Hide inched forward, slowly, and before he could even reach him Kaneki took the leap of faith and collapsed on him.

And everything was a blur.

And after that everything smelled soft, and warm and he was surrounded by Hide but he had never felt more comfortable.

And the whole moment had taken on a surreal quality that he wasn’t entirely sure how to process, and he found himself tangled in Hide’s arm, against his chest.

Drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

 

 “Are you here to give me another patronizing speech about protecting your boyfriend and shit?”

Touka was holding the door open, in casual clothes and the worst bed head he had ever seen. He grinned.

“Will you let in if I tell you that Yoriko, me and Kaneki made you one hell of a feast?-”

He hadn’t gotten through the whole sentence before Touka was pushing him inside, taking the heavy bag from his hand and gesturing vaguely towards the sitting area. He scoffed, and followed her to the kitchen, hoisting himself onto a mostly empty counter and watched her pull out the carefully boxed food.

“You guys made cake?! Shit, you must want something bad,” she said prying the lid off and lifting a dollop of cream on her finger and putting it in her mouth.

“Not much, mostly to apologize,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. She shrugged, lifting more cream.

“This is good,” she allowed, placing it back gently and grabbing a cake spoon. He rolled his eyes, gesturing towards the cake.

“Sharing is caring.”

She made a face.

“Don’t tell your boyfriend you said that,” she said, stabbing the cake viciously. He raised his eyebrows at her violence.

“Did the cake kill your family? Or was it my boyfriend?” he asked her sarcastically. She winced.

“Fuck off.”

He raised his hands in mock surrender: “Whatever you say, Touka-chan.”

* * *

 

Work in the CCG was brutally slow, all he was doing was photo-copying files, and God more photocopying and he was sure if he saw another large file of papers waiting for him he would projectile vomit.

Akira and Amon were doing field work and he was left with Takizawa who was working away at the computer, occasionally stopping to glance at him working in the corner.

“Any advances on the case, Takizawa san?” he asked, neatly placing the paper pile on Akira’s desk and grabbing a folder he had been looking over containing possible suspects.

“It’s just a scattered mess now, first the murders were contained to prisoners and then the kid? And the woman?” He shook his head, shrugging at Hide. Hide nodded, letting out a sigh.

“Don’t you think it could be the gangs?” He asked innocently, casually flipping through pages, watching Takizawa through his lashes. Takizawa paused again to consider it.

“It could be. We’re thinking Ghouls honestly, but they’re anonymous and clean enough to get a pass you know?”

Hide shook his head.

“But I was told in Kamii that they’re the ones that are running Tokyo at the moment. With the murders and like street fights and general terror-” he stopped himself quickly before Takizawa could get too suspicious of his enthusiasm.

“Yeah, street fights probably, but the problem with this stuff, Nagachika, is that we haven’t caught anyone. No eye-witness testimonies, it’s all clean.”

He feigned nonchalance at this information letting out a soft ‘ohhhh’ and looked back at his file, flipping through the suspects.

His mind was racing, it was interesting, he thought. Even after being part of the Ghouls for more than a week he felt that he didn’t _know._ He could probably ask Touka or Kaneki but it almost seemed like the whole gang coming into existence was almost a taboo subject.

He did know that there was a strict no killing policy, and their current aim was to find the killer. But aside from the basics he was lost.

It was obvious from looking at the faces of all the members that everyone had secrets, and everyone had a compelling enough reason that pushed them into an organization that involved them risking their lives.

He ran his hand down his face tiredly and tried to focus on the task at hand.

All of the listed suspects came across as petty ex-criminals, a murderer or two caught his eye but something about them seemed horrifically off- they weren’t in the country, were too old, had a family- so trusting his instinct he continued his search without noting them down.

He was yawning by the time he moved on to the released prisoner records, opening the folder to reveal a file on a young red haired girl. He scanned her background quickly and continued on struggling to suppress a yawn.

He was bleary eyed and half-way through the second released prisoners’ record book when he came across a picture that nearly gave him a heart attack.

He held his breath.

It was his Kaneki.

Kaneki was in the suspects list.

Fuck.

* * *

 

Kaneki was sipping tea, reading over his literature course work and steadily working through it before he was interrupted by Kimi sliding into the room. He lifted his head to smile at her; hopefully it didn’t convey how nervous he was.

She smiled back tentatively and took a seat across from him. He closed his book gently and sat up.

“Hey,” she said softly, her eyes trailing over his hand which rested on the book.

“Hey.”

Her gentle mannerisms were filling him with dread. Fear. Why was she acting this way? She was supposed to be angry. She was supposed to be angry like Touka.

“How are you?” Her eyes were warm, gentle.

He felt caged.

“I’m fine, thank you. How are you?” He was a good actor, his voice was smooth. His eyes struggling to maintain eye-contact with her; why was she being so nice to him? When she pretended like he didn’t exist at least it made sense. At least he was reminded of his place.

“I’m good.” She smiled at him. He quickly lowered his eyes, his heart was beating faster.

He’d broken a lot of hearts- he’d broken a lot of people. And Kimi was somewhere near the top of his list of people he regretted even getting to know for that very reason. He knew he’d ruined her life.

And he couldn’t take her being so nice to him.

He didn’t deserve it.

He didn’t deserve her kindness.

He was so far gone in his self-loathing that he didn’t notice her hand coming to rest on top of his. He flinched.

Oh God.

“Are you sure you’re better?” she asked him, her voice ringing with sincerity. His gut twisted. He didn’t deserve this.

“I- I am, thank you.” He couldn’t look at her.

“I heard you last night, are you having nightmares?”

Shit. _Shit._

His nightmares had been _bad_ last night. He vaguely recalled a bleary eyed Hide shaking him awake and the smell of his deodorant and fabric softener as he sobbed into his shoulder. He must have been loud. Hide’s parents must have heard him as well. Fuck.

They must all think he’s a freak now. They were already being so considerate and so nice just letting him live in the cramped apartment. And it was becoming increasingly obvious that he was overstaying his welcome. Shit.

Kimi was basically telling him he had fucked up. How could he even have gone to sleep? That was such a stupid move even for him. He was burdening them. He was burdening them and disturbing them.

Shit.

He had to go back to his aunt.

He lowered his head in apology.

“I’m sorry-”

“No! No! Kaneki I didn’t mean it like that!” Kimi’s frantically cut him mid apology waving her hands as if to dispel the notion. He found himself worrying his lip between his teeth.

“I meant-” her hands returned to his to clasp his gently, she was warm, “That warm milk with honey is good for that kind of thing. Helps you sleep better I mean.”

He swallowed, lost for words. She smiled at him, her eyes as warm as her hands.

“I’ll get you some tonight okay?”

He smiled back hesitantly, his tea forgotten.

* * *

 

By some unspoken agreement they found themselves coiled around each other on Hide’s bed, instead of Hide taking the floor as he usually did. And they were breathing evenly, both of them wide awake even at the late hour.

The whole scenario was dreamlike, occasional whispered comments exchanged in the dark room illuminated by a single shaft of moonlight that escaped through the curtain. But he wasn’t concentrating on that. His main focus was Kaneki.

Kaneki’s eyes made him feel like he was looking at the moon, slightly awed and appreciative; Expressive to a degree that their owner struggled to be.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Kaneki whispered, his eyebrows scrunching together. Hide tried to smooth the small crease that had appeared with his thumb.

He could swear he could see a light dusting of red appearing on Kaneki’s cheeks.

“Because…” he said vaguely, trailing off with a shock when he realized his own dilemma, unsure of how to continue the sentence.

He could just tell Kaneki the truth.

But what was the truth?

That he found him breath-taking? That his soft, beautiful existence was making him want to change for the better- that he was compelled to protect him almost to a degree that left him defenceless and vulnerable?

He didn’t know what to say.

That he liked him? A lot?

Kaneki nudged his knuckles with his own and he reached out to take his hand in his own.

“Do you ever feel like… Like you’re drowning?”

Hide perked up at the question.

“Like, ‘I’m drowning in your beautiful grey eyes’ kinda thing? or ‘Drowning in my sorrows’ kinda thing?”

Kaneki laughed, the sound genuine and it made his heart sing.

“Who’s beautiful grey eyes have you been getting lost in, Hide?” His smile was coy.

Hide could feel himself reddening, but he feigned confidence, running his thumb over the back of Kaneki’s hand.

“There’s this guy you know? Boring and rude as shit; Called me out for being a party animal,” he grins. Kaneki’s definitely blushing.

“Yeah-” He’s close enough that he can feel his breath on his face, it’s intoxicating, “He sounds like an asshole.” He can almost hear the smile in Kaneki’s eyes which are half lidded.

They’re almost nose to nose, and Hide is sure that his heart is beating loudly enough for both of them to hear.

“He makes a mean coffee so he’s forgiven.”

And tilting his head he pressed his lips against Kaneki’s.

And it felt like breathing for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lotus-Purity, chastity and eloquence; rebirth  
> Morning glory-Love in vain


	15. You're looking like you fell in love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They just fit.
> 
> Like he was returning to his home.

Hide had the sweetest lips, and the softest kisses, and when he smiled Kaneki could feel himself melting every time that dimple surfaced. And they were tangled into each other.

Kissing.

And kissing was so hypnotic- messy and awkward and just perfect. And he loved the way Hide laughed when he nipped his bottom lip, and the way they slotted together felt like reassurance he didn’t know he was actively seeking out. The whole affair was baffling, but it was so _right._

_They just fit._

Like he was returning to his home.

And Hide’s flushed face and reddened lips were quickly committed to memory, and they collided gently again. Easily falling into a rhythm as if they had known each other forever.

And seeing Hide smile at him so widely, his eyes sparkling with an intensity that Kaneki hadn’t seen before made his heart soar.

And with mirroring smiles stretching across their faces they lay together, dozing off and dreaming of sweet smiles and hopes for the future.

* * *

 

Waking up, for Hide, was proving to be nerve racking and thrilling simultaneously. He wanted to see if Kaneki was properly awake, talk about what had happened last night. Figure out where  they stood. Whether the whole affair had been spur of the moment or was Hide’s pining requited like he could only have dreamed.

Most of all he wanted to kiss him again if he could.

Being the eternal optimist he was, he roughly pushed down all thoughts of Kaneki being against the events that had transpired through the previous night. Surely not. He’d been sure the feeling had been mutual. And they were in the same bed and… Surely not.

Kaneki was tucked into the crook of his neck and he found his fingers unconsciously carded through his soft locks. He lowered his head against Kaneki’s own and breathed in his spicy, clean scent.

And when Kaneki started to stir he could feel his heartbeat speed up.

And when Kaneki turned his head to look up at him with sleepy eyes and a small smile all his worries melted. And oh. Oh God. He was so stupid.

Leaning forward he pressed a chaste kiss against his lips which Kaneki returned with equal sweetness. And he felt like a child on Christmas morning and Kaneki was positively beaming, and Hide could feel his own eyes crinkling at the discovery.

“Hi,” he whispered.

“Hi.” Kaneki’s pale cheeks were rosy, and his eyes sparkling with a new-found fervour.

He was about to lean in again when there was a knock from outside their door, and within invisible agreement both boys untangled themselves, faces flushed.

Should they let anyone else find out?

Hide shot Kaneki a look, and Kaneki looked away. He bit his lip. Probably not before they’ve properly talked about it. Probably not yet.

Within the next few seconds, without much more warning, the door flew open. Kaneki’s eyes widened, and Hide in his hurry to move away stumbled off the bed with a yelp. Oh God, he was such an idiot.

Raising his head he saw Nishiki with a wide grin on his bastard face, and a concerned Kimi a few paces back peeking into the room.

“Wow, what are manners, right Senpai?” Hide chided, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hands.

Nishiki snickered, enjoying his obvious discomfort.

“Did we interrupt something?”

Hide wanted to smack him. He didn’t need to turn around to know that Kaneki probably looked dishevelled, his face probably brighter than a tomato. A small smile tugged at his lips at the mental image.

“Yeah,” he said, just as Kaneki let out an affronted: “No!”

Now he was fighting to suppress a smile.

Kimi looked slightly embarrassed while Nishiki stared at him with raised eyebrows. He coughed a little.

“Well, breakfast is ready and your parents are waiting,” Nishiki said, eyeing them.

Hide grinned and nodded.

“We’ll be right out.”

* * *

 

They didn’t leave the room for another twenty five minutes, too caught up in shy glances and soft kisses. The magnetic pull of giving into unspoken inhibitions won over embarrassment and they kept up their timid, innocent exploration.

And finally, finally they managed to pry themselves apart quickly enough to get dressed and exit the room.

At the breakfast table they sat together, as close together as they could without it being suspicious.

And Nishiki raised his eyebrow at the two of them but didn’t comment.

And Kimi smiled sweetly, shovelling food into their plates, shooting them a knowing glance, causing Hide’s face to heat up uncomfortably.

Midway through breakfast, when everyone was conversing comfortably and plates were being scraped clean, Hide tapped the edge of Kaneki’s ankle with his.

It was their secret, and he wanted nothing more than Kaneki to respond and acknowledge this. He wanted nothing more than Kaneki to turn around and shoot him that warm smile.

And when Kaneki didn’t respond he did it again, looking ahead, smiling pleasantly.

“Ugh Hide?” Kimi started, and he turned to face her. She was blushing.

Kaneki was talking to his mother, completely occupied in boring discussions about some long dead author.

“Yeah?”

He tapped his ankle again.

“Why are you stroking my ankle?”

He froze, and Nishiki spat a little, bursting into laughter and choking on his omelette. His dad raised his eyebrow at him looking concerned. He could feel himself reddening.

“Th-that was supposed to be- I was aiming for Kaneki.”

Kaneki stiffened beside him, and he instantly regretted his word vomit as Kimi grinned. His mom and dad were looking at each other, his mom smirking a little.

“So, the weather is great!” He shouted, startling everyone and Nishiki continued to choke. 

Just his luck when he realized it was raining.

 

“Why were you stroking Kimi’s ankle?” Kaneki asked him, his whole face lit up in amusement. He looked beautiful, he thought reverently.

Hide elbowed him lightly, making sure to avoid his bruised shoulder.

“Don’t be an ass, you heard me.”

Kaneki smirked, “Yeah, you weren’t very discreet about it Hide.”

Hide tapped his ankle, and Kaneki moved his foot to intertwine their ankles together.

“Well I’m sorry for wanting affection. Not that you were complaining last night,” Kaneki turned to him, looking affronted and Hide wiggled his eyebrows.

“Shut up,” Kaneki muttered, trying to straighten out his grin and horribly failing.

Hide paying no heed to him, continued wiggling his eyebrows: “Make me, Kaneki kun.”

Kaneki let out a huff of air, shaking his head at his childishness.

“If you think I’m going to kiss you, then you are under some horrible misconception I’m afraid.”

Hide rolled his eyes, turning away from Kaneki and pretending to pout.

They were sitting in their university campus, shielded by a large tree and the social sciences building, which was mostly empty at this time of the day. The rain had finally let out a few hours ago much to the relief of most students, and now Hide and Kaneki were calmly lounging on the slightly damp grass.

Hide thought he was going to have to give in when Kaneki gingerly laid his head against his shoulder, leaning into his back. Hide smiled.

“You weren’t under some horrible misconception last night,” he countered quietly.

Kaneki shifted a little on his shoulder and for a horrible second he thought he had completely ruined their peaceful moment by opening his big mouth, but thankfully Kaneki stayed put.

“That comeback took you at least a century to come up with.”

“When I started kissing you let it be known I wasn’t aware of your sarcasm,” he said good-humouredly, shaking his head a little.

“I wasn’t aware of your footsie habits either.”

“This is bullying,” Hide whined, dropping his head back against Kaneki’s, who let out a surprised laugh.

He turned his head to grin at him, and was surprised to find Kaneki already staring at him. His eyes glimmering with mirth and his lips lifted in a sweet smile.

He could feel his own grin softening into a fond smile, his heart lurching at the expression on the other boy’s face.

It felt like they were the only two people that mattered in that moment; suspended in time. Everything taking on a hazy, blurry quality as he zeroed in on Kaneki. His smile, his lashes, his eyes- And everything was grey.

And Kaneki leaned forward pressing his lips to Hide’s. And Hide could feel him smile into the kiss and he kissed back. And when Kaneki pulled back Hide could feel himself trailing after Kaneki-A magnetic pull.

“I really like you,” Kaneki whispered, his eyes not meeting Hide’s.

Hide laughed, gently bumping his forehead against Kaneki’s, who looked up at him abashedly. Hide smiled again, softly kissing Kaneki’s cheek, his hands trailing up his arms.

“I really like you too.”

* * *

 “What if he gets hurt Kimi?”

Hide was pacing his room, while Kimi sipped tea, reading a book she had borrowed from Kaneki a few days back.

“It comes with the job description Hide,” she said, raising her cup to him and nodding sagely. “Plus,” she continued, “This feels a lot like déjà vu.”

He sighed exasperatedly, plopping down in front of her gracelessly. It wasn’t his fault that he had a bad habit of pacing out his frustrations to his nearest source. Of course if no one was around it would be just him and he’d look like a mad man having an intense conversation with himself, hand gestures and all.

“Yeah, but like he’s a distraction against… the Aogiri?” he asked, wrinkling his forehead trying to recall the name. Kimi looked at him from over the brim of her cup, and shook her head smiling good-naturedly.

“He knows what he’s doing,” she reassured him.

He ignored her, his selective hearing at work.

“Why haven’t I heard about this gang at the CCG?” he mumbled, mostly to himself.

“They’re sneaky; most people can’t differentiate the Ghouls and the Aogiri. Plus it’s not like they’ve made some grand gesture which would make them better known,” Kimi provided, closing her book and putting it beside her. He perked up at her response.

“How do we know that- you know- they exist?” he said gesturing wildly at nothing.

Kimi shrugged, watching him amused.

“Inside Intel?” she said cryptically, tapping the side of her nose.

He huffed, glaring at the wall.

Why couldn’t he know? Surely by entering the damn, life-threatening gang he was supposed to have been let in on a few secrets. Did he really need to prove himself further? He was bruised from training for God’s sake!

Maybe he could ask Kaneki.

Maybe he could flatter Koma into telling him everything.

Surely something like the source of intel could be revealed to an _inside_ member of the Ghouls. Surely.

“So why are you so worried about Kaneki-kun and not Touka-chan?” she said suddenly, snapping him out of his heated internal monologue. He paused his fidgeting, hoping his face was impassive, as his mind raced searching for an appropriate reply.

“Kaneki’s the distraction, Touka isn’t,” he replied carefully.

Her smile widened at his response.

His answer had been so innocent, what had she even gotten from that?!

“Are you sure that’s all there is to it?”

He envisioned her as a Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland and he was hit by a wave of nostalgia at the thought. He distinctly remembered watching it in his childhood with the Kirishima siblings. In his mom’s room where there was a blocky, huge TV in the corner with salted snacks. He also remembered Ayato being afraid of half the cast.

“Are you interrogating me, _mom?”_ he replied, rolling his eyes at her dramatically. She started to giggle.

“I am like your mom aren’t I, Hide?” she laughed. He shook his head at her grinning.

There was a halt in the conversation as they both caught their breath.

Then after a moment of quiet contemplation he added: “I kissed him.”

She stared at him slack jawed as he braced himself for an adverse reaction. Then after another beat of silence she squealed, jumping closer to him with an exclamation of

“I knew it!”

He continued to shake his head, grinning wryly.

* * *

 

“So what’s going on with you and Hide?” Nishiki asked him tactfully, nudging him as he zipped his mask closed. He eyed the older man.

“What do you mean?”

Playing dumb was the safest option at the moment, although he was giddy from head to toe he couldn’t risk Touka hearing him. He didn’t need to give her more reason to hate him. After all it would be safer for Hide to tell her if he wanted to. Plus, there was no _actual_ reason for Nishiki to know aside from sating his burning curiosity.

Nishiki scoffed.

“You know what I mean snowball.”

He could feel Touka’s eyes on him from across the room- she was supposed to be restocking ammo but he was well aware of the fact that she was standing rigidly, facing them.

Nishiki unaware of the uncomfortable atmosphere he had created, or maybe he was aware of it, continued his pestering.

And when they went to leave and Touka went out of her way to shoulder him painfully he didn’t comment.

He just silently went with his mission, ready to provide the distraction he needed to, and hoped that the confrontation wouldn’t lead to more complications.

* * *

 

 Hide had been waiting on the stairs when he reached the apartment complex at three am and Kaneki nearly had a heart attack seeing him. Nishiki, who had been following close behind eyed Hide with an unreadable look on his face.

Seeing them approaching Hide had bounded towards him, skipping a step on the stairs and throwing his arms around Kaneki.

Kaneki staggered back a few steps, his laugh ringing out in the empty night. And standing still for a few moments, taken aback by the action, he waited, before wrapping his arms own around Hide.

“You’re okay right?” Hide mumbled into the crook of his neck.

He smiled, nuzzling closer to Hide and revering in his warm embrace.

“I’m great,” he responded. He could feel Hide’s arms tightening.

“You better be.”

He laughed, pressing a kiss in Hide’s hair.

“I am.”

 


	16. I'll leave one last kiss on your pillow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re the absolute worst.”
> 
> “I love you too, Hide.”
> 
> “The worst,” he groaned again, and Kaneki struggled to suppress his laughter.
> 
> He could feel Hide’s smile against his skin.
> 
> Or alternative as provided by KanekiVaragas: 'lol shit hits the fan m8'

“I feel like Nishiki and Kimi are getting annoyed by our sap,” Hide mumbled against Kaneki’s back. Kaneki grinned, adding some spice to the stir fry he was making.

“But whose fault is it that they know?” Kaneki asked, stirring the vegetables diligently. Hide let out a soft groan, his arms snaking around his waist.

“Shut up.”

“Getting a bit risqué here, Hide. What if your parents come home?” he teased.

Hide groaned again, raising his head and pressing a quick kiss to the back of his neck. Tingles shot through his spine and he had to stop himself from shivering.

“You’re the absolute worst.”

“I love you too, Hide.”

“The worst,” he groaned again, and Kaneki struggled to suppress his laughter.

He could feel Hide’s smile against his skin, and he couldn’t continue maintaining his own passive expression.

Soon enough there was clattering from the front door and Hide hurriedly dislodged himself from Kaneki, standing beside him to maintain the platonic friends’ façade they had going on.

“We’re home!” Hide’s mother called, followed by her shuffling into the small kitchen holding a bag of fruit within the next few minutes.

“Welcome home,” Kaneki said, smiling at her politely while Hide lunged for the fruits. She shot Kaneki a quick smile, tutting at Hide.

“That smells amazing Ken,” she exclaimed, glaring at Hide and breezing over to Kaneki’s side. He could feel himself flushing at the compliment.

“Ah, it’s nothing, just a quick stir fry,” he provided, lowering the heat a little.

“He’s being modest, he’s been working hard on it for you guys,” Hide said through a mouthful of apple.

It was Kaneki’s turn to glare at him, for which in return Hide shot him a smug smile. Just as quickly he could feel the embarrassment setting in.

Now they’d think he was being fake to impress them. They wouldn’t be wrong on the impressing part- he just wanted them to have a good impression of him. Surely that isn’t fake?

His thoughts were cut off and suddenly he was being engulfed into a warm hug, the scent of lavender settling over his senses. He stood shocked for a few seconds before relaxing in her grip.

They breathed quietly for a second.

“You’re too kind, Ken,” Hide’s mother told him sweetly. “Has anyone told you?”

If she held him for longer than necessary he didn’t complain, he could feel comfort seeping from his skin into his bones and for a second it felt like his own mother. All the Nagachika’s exuded warmth and it seemed that Hide’s mother was the core of that warmth.

He nodded dumbly into her shoulder.

When she pulled back her expression was tender, a soft smile, eyes crinkling at the corners not unlike Hide’s.

 “You’re going to take care of my Hide aren’t you?” she asked.

For a moment it seemed as if all the air had sapped out of the kitchen.

“Mom?!” Hide exclaimed. She didn’t flinch.

Kaneki swallowed, finding it difficult to maintain eye-contact with her.

He was in a dangerous gang. Been tortured, held his own against men twice his size but this was _impossible._

Shakily he nodded unsure of the consequences that were going to follow. To say he was surprised when he heard her laugh was an understatement.

“I thought so; you _are_ the better one in this relationship.” She patted his cheek, and he looked up at her nervously. She was smiling.

His heart beat was still erratic when she leaned forward to press a kiss to his forehead.

“Take care of yourself my dear,” she murmured, patting his cheek again before walking out of the kitchen.

Her exit was followed by Hide’s immediate “What the fuck?”

He couldn’t really agree more.

* * *

“I couldn’t have asked for a better person you know?” Kaneki told him out of the blue. Hide looked up from his notes in surprise.

They were in a library, trying to cram for the upcoming class tests that were about to hit them.

“What do you mean?” Hide asked, struggling to be as quiet as possible, hyperaware of the librarian evil-eyeing him from the world history section.

Kaneki’s eyes were serious, the grey soft, insistent.

“You. You’re amazing you know that,” he said, his voice hushed, sincere. Hide could feel his cheeks heating up.

“Why are you saying that?”

His notes lay forgotten, so did the librarian.

Kaneki’s eyes didn’t waver from his for a second as he reached across the table to take his hand in his own.

“Because I’m so thankful Hide. I’m so thankful…” his tone was hesitant but he quickly continued, his expression determined, “You’re so patient with me. You’re just so welcoming and kind and… and you haven’t doubted me. You’re just- just letting me take my time with everything and you’re just giving me everything I needed... I mean…” He paused, Hide felt frozen, a small ball of guilt forming in the pit of his stomach. “I-I just needed time, Hide. I needed someone that believed in me. And you just stuck around even with me being a jerk. And you didn’t push me to tell you anything. You just- oh God this is so stupid. You just looked at me like I wasn’t bad you know? You just seemed like you had an answer to everything. And you just literally _shone_. And I was just so, _so_ happy to have you as a friend. And I’d have died happy knowing you had been in my life at all.”

His heart felt like it was in his throat, the guilt, the overwhelming compassion for Kaneki crashing over him, drowning him. And if he could drown in those eyes he would.

“You’re just so good, Hide. You’re just so, so good. And I’m scared if you know everything about me… You’ll run and- and I need some more time before I can tell you?”

Hide nodded slowly. Guiltily.

He wouldn’t run.  

Kaneki’s grip on his hands tightened, his gaze finally lowering to their hands.

“But I _want_ to tell you. I _want_ you to know, you know.” He insisted, his cheeks heating up. “I _want_ you to know everything. I trust you. I-”

He seemed to cut himself off, biting his lip.

“I’m really glad you came into my life.”

Hide sat in dumbfounded silence, his hand limp in Kaneki’s as Kaneki stared at him nervously. Finally he swallowed, realizing that he did in fact have to respond.

Meeting Kaneki’s eyes was a struggle, but once he did he couldn’t look away. He smiled shakily.

If only _he_ knew…

Lifting Kaneki’s hand to his lips he pressed a soft kiss to his knuckles.

“I love you.”

* * *

 

“This isn’t working out. The work for him is growing more dangerous, and it’s problematic. The deal was that he wouldn’t be in harms way.” Hide was listening from behind the closed door.

He had been on his way back to his and Kaneki’s small room with a glass of water when he heard voices coming from his parents’ room. It was three am and curiosity seemed to be one of his most prominent human flaws.

There was a loud sigh.

“No, this isn’t us pushing influence.”

A pause, someone must be talking on the other side of the call he decided.

“Look- Yeah, we’re at home.” Another pause, longer this time.

“Fine, Washuu. We’ll see you tomorrow. Goodnight.”

There had been shuffling and he had quickly crept away in fear of being found out, closing his own room’s door softly behind him.

A half asleep Kaneki making grabby motions greeted him and his worries melted as he entered his arms, pressing a soft kiss to the side of his jaw.

“Where’d you go?” Kaneki mumbled his voice heavy with sleep. Hide kissed his neck.

“Water,” he replied, his mind trying to piece together what he had heard.

Washuu?

Like the director of the CCG? Why were _his_ parents on the phone with anyone with the name of _Washuu_ in the middle of the night for God’s sake?

And was it possible they were discussing _him_?

What was going on? What was happening?

Why were his parents keeping secrets?

Why? Why? _Why?_ It echoed in his head until it threatened to drown him.

“Shut up, Hide,” Kaneki groaned into his neck, shifting to get more comfortable against him. Hide huffed fondly, pulling him closer.

“I wasn’t talking.”

“Stop thinking,” came the muffled response, his breath tickling Hide’s neck.

Hide flushed, letting out a small laugh.

Was he getting easier to read? Surely not.

He was just spending too much time with Kaneki.

He pressed a soft kiss to his head, relishing in the soft satisfied sigh Kaneki responded with.

He could feel himself melting at that sound.

There was no such thing as too much time with Kaneki, he decided.

* * *

 “You’ve never had the green tea kit-kat?!” Hide asked him indignantly over a cup of coffee. Kaneki seemed to cling tighter to his mug, reddening.

“Maybe I don’t like green tea,” he responded, his hand brushing his chin unconsciously. Hide grinned, his eyes following his movement and easily catching him in the lie.

“You _love_ green tea flavoured anything Kaneki. We’re getting that today! I’ll treat you,” Hide said, holding out his pinky finger in form of agreement.

Kaneki was clearly struggling to suppress a smile, eyeing his outstretched finger. He shook his head as if to say ‘What an idiot.’

Hide could feel his own smile widening, a sure sign of Kaneki giving in.

Finally Kaneki wrapped his own pale finger around his and it was a deal.

“You’re so weird,” Kaneki drawled, and Hide could feel his heart melting because Kaneki’s voice was just dripping with fondness.

“Am I?” he asked quietly, watching Kaneki tilt his head and smile at him adoringly.

He opened his mouth to respond.

“Are you boys going on a date?”

Lightning quick Hide’s mom was suddenly hovering over them and Hide could feel his cheeks burning, as both he and Kaneki wrenched their hands away from each other.

“Um… Mom…” Hide started intelligently, trying to look her in the eye.

She didn’t seem to be in the mood to put up with her son’s un-comprehendible mumbling and continued towards the fridge, humming loudly.

“You’re paying Hide!” she called from the kitchen.

Hide nearly let out a startled laugh, turning to Kaneki who was looking back at him with raised eyebrows and a small coy smile.

“Don’t let him push you around Ken dear!”

Kaneki’s smile grew.

“I won’t Nagachika san,” Kaneki said, raising his voice slightly. Hide watched this exchange, utterly baffled.

His mom was encouraging his date with Kaneki. His mom was encouraging his date with a guy?

This wasn’t a norm he was used to. Yet here was Kaneki smirking at him comically, and Hide was staring at the fridge in open-mouthed surprise.

“Finish your breakfast Hide, we’re almost late,” Kaneki chided gently, pushing Hide’s cup closer to him; that mischievous smile still gracing his lips.

He snapped out of his shocked state only to glare at Kaneki.

And if he scalded his tongue chugging the coffee, he didn’t comment.

* * *

“Don’t burn yourself at work,” Hide said, smoothing Kaneki’s collar. Kaneki raised his eyebrow at him, shouldering his bag.

“Don’t get stuck in the photocopier. I’ve heard they make you pay for those if you break them,” he responded, all paired with a bored expression and monotone delivery making it even sassier. Hide rolled his eyes good humouredly.

“You’ve been misinformed Ken darling. I pay for nothing!”

They walked out the classroom, turning towards the university gates. The air was heavy with humidity and the sky overrun with rainclouds, leaving a heavy, dreary current over the atmosphere.

“I’m so glad we have air conditioning,” Hide said, nudging Kaneki to get his attention. Kaneki nodded in understanding, the tips of his hair starting to curl a little in the perspiration.

“We’d be puddles of useless knowledge if we didn’t.”

“Hey! I’ll have you know my knowledge knows no limits or bounds, it is both _useful_ and _useless_ ,” Hide explained, gesturing dramatically. Kaneki let out a mixture of an amused and resigned sigh, leaning forward and pressing a chaste kiss to his lips quickly.

This was new.

Kaneki had basically been against any public display of affection and now he was kissing him in front of university gates?

“I know I’m funny, but if you reward me like that every time maybe I’ll have to take it up as a profession.”

Kaneki flushed and he mentally high-fived himself for being able to say that so smoothly.

“Be careful in your current profession, you idiot,” Kaneki smoothed his hand down his jacket.

He sighed, holding himself back from leaning into Kaneki.

“I always am.”

“You’re careless, too curious for your own good.”

Hide huffed out a laugh, if only Kaneki knew the half of it.

“Only careless for you.”

Kaneki leaned up to him, pressing his lips against his cheek. He felt a flutter go through his body.

“Don’t be.”

Hide didn’t say anything, just took his chance by latching their lips together again, and when Kaneki sighed against him he smiled.

And he smiled all the way to work.

* * *

And he was creeping back into the small apartment at ten pm waiting, making sure not to alert his parents when he heard those heated rushed whispers and he could feel himself freezing where he stood. Shit. With a mixture of anxiety at being caught and curiosity at what they were saying he slowly toed off his shoes and crept towards their general direction.

“We made a deal with him, yes, but he’s in danger now!” His mom exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air in frustration. He could only see his dad’s crossed arms, his stance defensive, his face blocked by the doorframe.

“He’s in his job and its part of the deal-” there was shuffling and Hide held his breath missing what his dad was saying in favour of staying hidden. “-have to keep an eye on him.”

He could feel his blood running cold.

“Obviously its been pre-decided with the Washuu’s but this promotion is only giving him grief!”

“We need to be reasonable here.”

“Reasonable?! We’ve done so much for him, gotten him here, he needs to at least protect Hide!”

His head was starting to spin. His parents had an agreement?

With the Washuu family? Regarding him? And they were concerned about the promotion? That they had somehow gotten him?

His parents had been in dealings with the Washuu family to get him where he was… They didn’t think he could do this alone.

They still treated him like a kid.

He couldn’t believe this.

He couldn’t believe that his parents had him on a leash like this.

Was this why they had recommended that Hide look into the CCG for a job when he first moved here? Because they were already in kudos with the Washuu family so that he could get a job. Was he seriously being babied by his parents behind his back who were cooing at his achievements at his face?

“His job wasn’t meant to be like this. This wasn’t supposed to happen,” his mother sounds hopeless, and something twists inside of him but he pushes it down. He’s angry, and sad, and humiliated because he thought he had trust from these two people that had raised him.

And they went behind his back.

And it almost felt like he was being ungrateful for their help but this wasn’t help. This felt like betrayal and he recalled being baffled about his promotion and everything made so much sense and it made his blood boil, and before he could calm down he was marching towards his parents’ room only to be confronted by their surprised expressions.

“You made a deal with my boss?!” he hissed.

There was silence, his parent’s shooting each other worried looks and it just caused that feeling of hurt grow.

This was what they thought he was capable of.

“You went behind my back? I thought you trusted me. I trusted _you.”_ His voice cracked.

There was still no response.

He didn’t say anything, waiting. Waiting for them to say anything.

They didn’t.

Just stared at him with those pitiful eyes, not even slightly sorry. Livid, that’s what he was.

“Don’t talk to me,” he ground out.

It was laughable, ironic even. They hadn’t said a word to him.

They hadn’t thought anything of it.

He was probably being dramatic.

He left the apartment, uncaring of the time; his mind weaving unhelpful scenarios and unheard conversations that were being had behind his back.

 

* * *

“I’m home,” Kaneki murmured, entering the eerily quiet apartment.

The lights were off in all rooms and the doors firmly shut. He felt a sense of uneasiness overcome him, debating whether or not to call Hide and check on him.

He decided against it, taking off his shoes and wearily carrying his book bag to his and Hide’s shared room.

He flicked the light on and winced at the sudden bright onslaught, waiting for his eyes to adjust. Blinking heavily he noted that Hide hadn’t been home at all, the room just as tidy as they’d left it this morning.

He sighed, relaxing.

For once he was content with the way things were; a smile graced his lips as he hummed absently, grabbing a change of clothes and heading to the shower.

His thoughts were filled with Hide, as he went through his routine. The shampoo he massaged through his hair smelled like Hide, and the thought that scent alone could make him blush startled a laugh out of him.

He choked on the shampoo.

Returning to their room he settled on studying, maybe even writing some poetry while he waited for Hide to return.

He smiled. He’d been doing that a lot.

Ever since Hide had made his permanent home in his grim life he’d smiled constantly. He’d felt himself becoming a person again. He felt valid.

Human.

He pulled open the bottom desk drawer in search of a pen. He was sure Hide had put a whole pack somewhere in there. Rummaging through a bunch of papers he silently cursed at Hide for being so messy.

Then he saw it.

 _His name_.

It was his name right?

Printed in official ink on a file. A police file.

He could feel all his euphoria drowning, his mouth going dry.

He pulled it out.

His police records.

His past was in his hands.

In Hide’s possession.

It started to rain outside.

He felt dirty again. 


	17. You know that I can't trust myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nishiki found him.
> 
> “Kaneki?” Nishiki’s tone was cautious, as if approaching a rabid animal.
> 
> “What’s going on?” he asked, crouching a little. The most concern he had ever seen on Nishiki’s face, and that was something considering Nishiki had seen him on the brink of bleeding out on earlier missions.

Nishiki found him.

His knuckles whitening with the tight grip he had on the incriminating files. Hunched over, in the corner of the room trying his best not to hyperventilate.

He didn’t raise his head to meet his eyes, his whole body felt as if it was made of lead. And the words he had uttered not a few hours ago echoed hollowly.

He’d exposed himself so completely. He’d done it all over again.

And Hide…

Hide had known.

The strong feeling of revulsion hit him and he lowered his head further trying not to throw up.

“Kaneki?” Nishiki’s tone was cautious, as if approaching a rabid animal. He flinched.

Raising his eyes to meet Nishiki’s and the older man seemed to still at the eye-contact. Nishiki had always been unwavering in Kaneki’s life- vicious but quietly supportive, a helping hand where needed.

And here he was again, viewing him in all his wrecked, glassy eyed glory.

“What’s going on?” he asked, crouching a little. The most concern he had ever seen on Nishiki’s face, and that was something considering Nishiki had seen him on the brink of bleeding out on earlier missions.

He flinched at the question, lowering his head again, trying to calm his breathing and cursing his own melodramatic state. He was overreacting. He needed to pull himself together.

But how could Hide do this?

_How could Hide do this to him?_

He had trusted him. He had trusted him so much.

He felt like he’d been hit by a freight train, and he felt so violated. So dirty. No one was supposed to have known yet. No one. He had almost been there. He had been so close to being ready but it felt like he’d been snuck up on, tricked. And he recognised Hide’s curiosity as one of his leading traits. He did. And he had respected it, laughed at it even.

But he had gone behind his back.

He was surprised to feel someone’s hand on his face and looking up he saw Kimi, Nishiki hovering behind her.

She was wiping away tears, carefully prying away the file from between his stiff fingers.

He hadn’t realized he was crying.

“Hide’s such an idiot sometimes,” she said softly. And it hurt his heart, because even with the underlying fondness and more prominently disappointment in her tone, he didn’t want anyone saying ill for him. Because Hide was so good.

And then he’d gone behind his back, betraying his trust. He’d made him believe that he was waiting for him to be ready but that couldn’t be farther from the truth, He knew. He was just making impressions, and maybe he didn’t even care about Kaneki.

Maybe all of it had been just a part of Kaneki being somewhat of a closed book and he _knew_ Hide loved puzzles and it had all been a game.

It hadn’t all been a game had it?

Oh God, it had all been a game.

And his burning heart suddenly felt heavy, and he felt bone tired.

And his tears flowed freely.

The rain increased in intensity.

And a second time in his life he fell towards Kimi and Nishiki for comfort. Wrapped in her arms as she soothed his tears.

He just felt heavy.

* * *

He was staggering out the house. Hours had passed and he was sure that Nishiki and Kimi were asleep.

Hide’s parents and Hide himself seemed to be busy.

His eyes stung as he realised he was worried about Hide. Was Hide safe? Was he wandering the streets of Tokyo in the dark, completely defenceless? Was he in trouble?

Was he even slightly concerned about Kaneki?

Did he think about him like he thought of Hide?

The cold hit him as he closed the door behind him, and he inhaled. He felt too warm, like he was burning up, like his world was crashing and burning around him.

And he thought back to the multiple times Hide had made him feel safe and loved and he wanted to slap himself for being so gullible and hopeless. And he thought about his dreams which were filled with morning glories which represented one-sided love and this was all that it really was. And he was so stupid. So damn stupid.

And he’d rather have his limbs being torn apart again because breathing felt like glass shards being dragged across his lungs and he was on fire.

He grabbed onto a nearby lamp post for support and looking up was hit by the irony of his situation, that in the entire street the light for this particular lamp post seemed to be broken. Occasionally, weakly flickering. The street brightly lit around him.

He laughed mirthlessly, leaning against it and resting his head against the cold surface.

What an apt metaphor for his life- for him as a person.

For a few moments he let his head hang, his hood covering him from the rain the fell around him mercilessly.

He headed towards his mother.

He needed to apologise.

He needed to say goodbye.

* * *

He was seething when he arrived at her doorstep. Raising his hand to knock he suddenly felt conflicted about his actions.

It felt a bit like entering a church and confessing all his sins. And he wasn’t a religious person. He was what he was and usually that was logical and calculated.

And he wasn’t that right now.

He couldn’t keep relying on Touka whenever something happened to him. She had proven to be patient so far but he felt like he was becoming baggage now.

And that’s all he really was… baggage.

The word stuck to his mind bitterly, sticky like tar.

He grit his teeth trying to get a grip. His anger was so overwhelming it was clouding his logic.

He took a shaky breath and shook his head. He needed to go home; he needed to think over this. He should’ve given his parents a chance to discuss it with him.

Maybe everything was a misunderstanding.

Highly likely.

He took in another shaky breath, checking his phone for the time.

Just past two am.

Kaneki would be worried sick.

He turned away from Touka’s door, cursing himself at his own impulsive idiocy. He should be at home.

He should be with Kaneki.

Maybe he should call him and ask him if he wants ice-cream, or more kit-kats. He smiled to himself as he decided he’d grab something for him on the way back.

He jogged down Touka’s apartment stairs, narrowly avoiding bumping into a pair of girls and made his way towards the closest store.

The rain was almost unbearable, as if it had a personal vendetta against him, pelting against him like stones. He was drenched within a minute of being exposed to the open sky.

At least this was giving him some more time to think about everything. And grabbing something would be a nice way to pleasantly surprise Kaneki. He could imagine the pleased expression on his face when he’d dramatically present the ice-cream. He’d blush, thank him shyly, smile and look up at him from under his lashes.

Imagining the expression made him stupidly giddy.

He hoped that everyone would be asleep when he returned so they wouldn’t question him too much.

Especially Nishiki with his constant innuendos directed towards him and Kaneki. He nearly laughed recalling the previous time it had happened. Surprisingly Kaneki was the one to easily toss back a comeback good enough to leave Nishiki spluttering.

He was smiling when he entered the small twenty four hour store, humming along to the song that played dimly in the background. The shop attendant looked asleep on his feet and he threw a sympathetic smile in his direction. It predictably went unnoticed.

He grabbed a can of coffee and two tubs of ice-cream. They could share the coffee.

He smiled wider.

Paying for the items and the walk home was done mindlessly, unconsciously. Everything on autopilot and his thoughts else where. Strings of Kaneki, Kaneki, Kaneki.

God.

He still wasn’t over his initial honeymoon period. The butterflies were ever present and his heart still flipped when their eyes met across the table and footsie was never a dumb game. And he couldn’t wait for the sweet smile that would grace Kaneki’s lips when he gave him these dumb gifts.

And eating together in the middle of the night would be an adventure on its own.

He reached his apartment complex, his eyes immediately going to the brightly lit apartment windows. He sighed wearily, emotionally preparing himself to be confronted by his parents or Nishiki.

Trudging up the stairs an impending sense of doom overcame him. His gut twisted uncomfortably.

Something was wrong.

Shakily he pushed at the door, forgetting the importance of the key that nestled in his back pocket. The door opened.

He slipped inside.

“He’s not picking up his cell…”

“He’s probably with his aunt-”

Kimi cut herself off mid-sentence and her expression contorted to one of utter panic at Hide’s unexpected entrance. Nishiki had a wild panic in his eyes when they turned to meet his and the shopping bag slipped out of his hands.

He darted to his room, his breathing hitched.

_Kaneki. Kaneki. Kaneki._

_No._

The contents of Kaneki’s confidential file, scattered on his floor.

His heart sank.

_No._

* * *

 

Words were something he couldn’t get used to no matter how many times he heard them. He had thought he’d developed a numbness to them as time passed but he hadn’t been that lucky.

He was thrown to the ground and vaguely wondered how his aunt possibly had so much strength, or was it willpower? Maybe he had a lack of willpower.

He had a lack of everything.

Ad he realised his aunt wasn’t alone, and he felt like he had been ambushed.

And words like ‘Whore’ and ‘Slut’ bounced around his skull and thrummed, making his skin prickle with disgust. And these men that were binding him and rendering him immobile.

And his mind was racing with how this was wrong and he was so stupid. He was so stupid.

He was thinking of how much he wanted to die but he was so scared. He was so scared. His heart was sinking at the thought because he had his mother and he had Hide.

Even if he had drawn a distinction in his head between the Hide he knew and the Hide he had discovered.

He was being dragged. His eyes blindfolded and he knew how useless struggling would be. And his heart was racing and his breath was ragged.

And he felt filthy because even at this moment all he could think of was Hide.

His Hide liked to listen to obscure American artists and dance with him at one am. His Hide liked his coffee with an overload of sugar and was brimming with energy and haphazard attempts at comedy.

 _His_ Hide had warm eyes and secret smiles reserved just for him. Something he wouldn’t have tired of returning to everyday.

His Hide felt just as tainted as him now.

A stranger with a mask. And Kaneki wanted to rip off his skin and beg him to return to what he was.

Delusional.

A gag was stuffed into his mouth, bound around his head tightly.

Five minutes later and his jaw was already starting to ache.

He was being moved, he was sure of it.

His aunt couldn’t let him escape again.

And he was thrown against a mattress, bouncing slightly at the impact, surprised with how soft it was. His blindfold was removed and it was dark, the ceiling grimy. He felt sick.

Something cold was pressed to his head. He shivered immediately, fear taking over all his senses. They were pressing a gun to his forehead.

He was frozen, his eyes fixated on the metallic object.

On his knees was their order, and he was. His whole body shook.

It was against the back of his head. He couldn’t scream around the gag while they hurt him, made him writhe. Skin on skin contact and he was flooded with pain, so much more acute after being given the chance to heal for so long.  

He couldn’t deserve this. Could he?

He couldn’t deserve this pain.

And halfway through the muffled screaming he started sobbing, and he came to realise that sadists enjoyed tears as much as his squirming. Maybe more.

And he hated himself for thinking of Hide, and if this was Hide here he’d be gentle and loving and he wouldn’t force him to do anything. Hide would press soft kisses down his neck and tell him he was loved, he was worth something. Hide would make him laugh, make him feel comfortable in his own skin.

And he was choking on tears by the time the man stopped, falling back. He could still feel the fingers in his flesh, bruising and harsh.

Hide would never do that.

He was relieved when the gag was taken off-

And then he wasn’t.

He gave up.

Hide wouldn’t let this happen.

He deserved this.

_Empty. He was empty._

Every cell in his body screamed for pity. Screamed to heal again.

Screamed for Hide.

* * *

 

They were searching for Hide. Having called Washuu before to quickly discuss the changes in course with him.

Hide was already far too involved and seemed to have an inkling of what was happening.

Maybe he didn’t suspect the truth but he was still too close to the initial reality for it to be good for his own safety. Her hands were quivering as she hurried behind her husband, entering the CCG from the back entrance.

Completely unaware of the man that had been watching them from across the street.

* * *

 

It felt like years, being bound, being hurt.

His throat hurt.

And he felt like he was drifting away from reality, Hide echoing in his mind; his words, his laughter.

He wanted to get away from it.

But he couldn’t.

He recalled Hide’s words to him, when he had been having a particularly bad episode.

“Just rest your head.” His voice was soft, airy. Almost as if he was right there. “It’s very bleak in the moment but letting the dust of a struggle settle down does wonders.”

The words clung to his skin like the sweat and blood that matted his body. His throat was hoarse, his very soul aching, his body felt as if it was beyond repair. 

And it was like returning to the past, his own personal hell.

And he should have waited for the dust to settle. Waited for Hide to return. He could have waited for Hide to charm him like he had before and use him for his own curious reasons and dump him.

He was an object after all.

Just a puzzle that needed solving.

He didn’t fault anyone for this fate, no one but himself was to blame for it.

He wished he’d stayed.

Here or there?

Never left his previous life; a clear distinction between the one that didn’t have Hide and the one that did.

Never endangered the semblance of normality he had created for himself in the past, and the sense of security he had given to himself and his mother.

Everything had gone downhill with Hide.

And he had been stupid enough for letting it go that way.

He was so, so tired.

And he was in a foreign place with men he didn’t know throwing money and profanities at him.

He was tired of crying, and tugging at bed sheets and biting the pillows to stop himself from screaming out. He was tired of reaching the breaking point but not completely breaking.

He was tired of waiting for that magnificent crescendo to dim down with a dramatic and _memorable_ flair.

He was just tired of being alive.

Maybe he’d need to force the dust of struggle to settle.

* * *

 

He was running, panting. His mind was racing and oh God had he fucked up. He’d messed everything up and he didn’t know who to run to.

His parents were missing and more importantly Kaneki was missing.

When had Kaneki overtook his parents?

Who was probably with his aunt who was doing God knows what to him.

His heart sank further as his brain conjured up the image of when he had found him in the aftermath of being assaulted. Limp, tired, dim eyes and bruised skin. A living corpse.

He shook his head. He couldn’t think like this- he needed to clear his mind. He needed to think about where he could be. He needed to _think._

He needed to find a way around this situation and prevent Kaneki from acting rashly.

But oh God this was all his fault. He had ruined everything.

He couldn’t even fathom how betrayed Kaneki would be feeling. How hurt, when he had just told Hide a few hours earlier how glad he was that Hide was so patient with him. Letting him tell Hide at his own pace.

He must feel violated.

His blood ran cold at the thought, bile rising in his throat from the guilt.

How could he have been so _stupid_?

He should have immediately told Kaneki. He should have returned the damn file or destroyed it.

God, he was so fucking reckless.

He was breathless and panting, wiping the sweat and rain from his eyes. Of course this would happen on one of the stormiest nights in Tokyo. The rain and sleet so vicious that he could barely see further than his own feet.

His mind was chanting ‘stupid’ at him, and he knew he was. He knew, he knew, _he knew._ But he couldn’t get his own head to shut up.

“Fuck.”

He crashed into someone, the impact of their bodies colliding sending him staggering backwards. He was about to shout at them; were they blind?!

“Fucking watch where you’re going.”

His eyes widened.

“Touka?” He straightened, hurrying forward to see a pink umbrella discarded and Touka lying in a puddle.

“Shit, sorry.”

He held out his hand, grabbing hers and pulling her on to her feet. She was glaring daggers at him, bending to grab her umbrella. A useless action at best seeing as she was already soaked to the skin, her hair dripping and raindrops trailing down her red-stained cheeks. A pretty picture nonetheless.

“What the fuck?”

She held the umbrella over both of them, tugging him under the flimsy shelter with a firm pull to his drenched jacket.

“Why are you out so late?” he asked, running his eyes over her worriedly, his unhelpful mind pulling up more possible disastrous scenarios that could have occurred tonight.

“I’m fine, shit-head. I was coming to see you,” she nodded towards the twenty-four hour store he had gone to not twenty minutes ago and they both wordlessly started to head towards it.

“Why?”

It was probably over two am and she was running around the desolate streets of Tokyo? Was she really that reckless?

“You ran out of my apartment, elbowing me and Yoriko. And you looked pretty panicked so I followed you?” they were standing underneath the awning which was lit up an eerie shade of fluorescent blue. The rain slid around them, occasional drops flying into their space. Touka phrased her answer as a question, raising her eyebrows at him. A clear indication for him to tell her what he had been doing at her place.

“I was out looking for Kaneki.”

“Did he ditch you?” her voice was oddly calm. It made his skin crawl.

“I messed up and I hurt him,” he couldn’t look at her. He stared out into the stormy street, the blue making the landscape take on a surreal and dreamlike quality.

“It’s okay.”

There was silence. It was as if his thoughts had come to a standstill with her words. Her contempt for Kaneki was visible in the indifference of her tone and it made his heart ache. It also made his blood boil; anger just wasn’t a dominant emotion with him.

“It’s not okay.” His words were shaky, his voice quieter.

He could tell she noticed.

“You can make mistakes,” she reasoned, her voice lowered to match his.

“Not with _him._ He’s been _so_ good Touka. So good,” he managed. He could feel the threat of tears rising, having managed to stave them off this long.

“Has he?” she scoffed.

“Yeah,” he murmured, his voice dangerously close to cracking.

He’d been so stupid. So stupid.

How could he have hurt Kaneki like that? How could he have been so fucking stupid? How?

How could he have broken his trust? Hurt him when he was hurting already so much. He’d finally started to heal. _Finally_ started to laugh properly, unabashedly. And he’d ruined everything. He’d ruined _everything._

“That’s a surprise,” Sarcasm.

“What’s your problem Touka?” His voice was low, tired, the tears spilling.

He could blame it on the rain.

“He’s my problem.”

Hide stayed silent, trying not to sniffle.

“Touka…”

He was sniffling.

“He killed my fucking brother.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the feedback!


	18. Your love's a fucking drag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She hadn’t even seen him because he was a pile of ash mixed with Kaneki’s mistakes, and it made her blood boil.
> 
> She despised Kaneki. She had reason to despise him.
> 
> She had a valid reason.
> 
> She fucking loathed him and he had the nerve to go off and tongue her best friend.
> 
> Fuck him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely feedback! I appreciate every view, comment and kudos! (´∀｀)♡

“What?” he breathed, his face frozen.

Shit.

She’d fucked up. She wasn’t supposed to have said that- she was supposed to have persuaded him back into his apartment. Back into his bed.

When she had seen him running past her from her apartment she hadn’t realised the gravity of the situation. It had taken a panicked phone call from Kimi to make her run after him and when she had realized it was related to Kaneki she couldn’t help but loathe him. It felt like a renewal of her hatred for _him_.

Hatred or not, she shouldn’t have said that.

She was not supposed to have said that.

Fuck.

“You were safer without him,” she ground out; gritting her teeth, silently seething at her own stupidity, as well as at Kaneki. Fuck that bastard for even letting this happen. This was his entire fault; Kaneki’s fault.

Unconsciously she was aware of her irrationality. But that wasn’t stopping her.

“Ayato? He’s not-” Hide had been crying before, silently, quickly wiping away tears that had escaped, but now his shoulders were starting to shake, his eyes filling up again.

She could count on one hand how many times she’d seen Hide cry.

His usually strongly put together personality was cracking. It hurt to see him like that. It hurt that she was partly at fault for making him cry.

“He’s dead. I’m sorry Hide.”

She said it so easily. With well rehearsed emotion. Saying the line over and over again had perfected her delivery. But she felt guilty, guilty over how she was treating him like another person. Like a distant relative that had only offered false, detached condolences. She had responded in the like.

Hide didn’t deserve that.

Hide had loved Ayato. He might have loved him more than he loved Touka. He had always shouted at her whenever she tried to scare him.

He had always held his hand when crossing the road. Always read him those boring ass super hero stories and it _hurt_ so bad thinking about him. Because she had been his older sister and it had been her only job to protect him and all she could think off was the embers that had floated from Anteiku.

She hadn’t even seen him because he was a pile of ash mixed with Kaneki’s mistakes, and it made her blood boil.

She despised Kaneki. She had reason to despise him.

She had a valid reason.

She fucking loathed him and he had the nerve to go off and tongue her best friend.

Fuck him.

Hide had his face in his hands, his mouth curled in a pained grimace.

“How?” His voice was soft, barely audible over the intensity of the rain. But she heard him anyway. She swallowed, her mouth going dry.

She didn’t want to speak. She didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t want to remember anything.

But she had to knock some sense into him, because fuck, Kaneki was everything wrong and bad in this world and she despised him with every breath she took because he had taken away her precious, precious brother. And he had become the cause for every nightmare and she hated him.

Why Ayato had been there?

Why hadn’t Kaneki protected him?

Why did he so easily taking the brunt of her anger without any retaliation, without anything?

Why didn’t he tell her _why_?

Why had he walked away?

“Your boyfriend worked at Anteiku for a while-”

Her mind immediately and unwillingly flashed back to the ragged-looking, soft spoken boy that had started working alongside her. How he had started helping Yoriko for free even though it was obvious how desperately in need of money he was, seeing as he jumped at every available free shift.

She hadn’t hated him then. She’d accepted him.

Admired his work ethic even.

She remembered how he’d occasionally help Ayato with his vocabulary as he studied for his high school exams in the staff room.

“Yoshimura caught him out for petty crimes, told him to stop.”

She wasn’t supposed to know this part; she had been stocking coffee beans when she’d caught the murmured conversation. She remembered how it had made her stomach drop. Kaneki had seemed like the least likely person to partake in any illegal activity. It had made her angry.

The fact that looks could be so deceiving. The fact that Kaneki was actually a shitty low life criminal, mingling with her.

He was the kind of person the Ghouls were trying to stop. To persuade to drop their bad habits. And it her left her angrier when he hadn’t stopped.

She knew when he came into his shift with bruised knuckles and dark circles that he’d been messing around.

She made Ayato stop going to him for help.

“He didn’t stop, some guy came after him. Kaneki burned the place down. Ayato got killed in the fire.”

Smoke. There had been so much smoke, the air was rancid, the heavy downpour not helping the situation.

Charred bodies, and Kaneki collapsed, cut, handcuffed.

She despised him.

Hide removed his hands from his eyes that were now red rimmed.

“I’m sorry.”

Sincerity. She’d missed that.

“Shit, I’m so sorry.” He was crying for her.

And she almost wanted to cry with him.

She almost did.

But the sky was mourning enough for her today.

* * *

He couldn’t move. He couldn’t move and that scared him. He didn’t know where he was and his cell phone was in grabbing distance but he was too tired.

His whole body hurt too much. He couldn’t muster up the energy to stretch his hand and grab it.

And he had to, he had to reach out and he had to.

He needed to get out of here.

He felt like he was going to die.

And he couldn’t. Not like this.

His mother.

His mother needed him.

He couldn’t leave like this.

The room was silent, his ragged breathing loud and grating in his ears. The clock’s ticking drowned out by his own muffled whimpers as he struggled with his protesting muscles to move.

His arms felt like lead. He pushed himself forward anyway.

A groan escaped him echoing dully and he pushed, tears slipping from his eyes.

Broken. Broken. So broken.

Beyond repair.

So close, so close.

He could feel the sweat trailing down his forehead.

So close.

The clock seemed to tick slower.

His hands closed around the object, relief coursing through him.

The brightness of the screen burned his eyes.

He didn’t think.

He dialled Hide.

* * *

He was in Touka’s apartment, numbly staring at a wall while she was carefully tucked against his arm. The rain chimed on, ringing against the windows with maddening intensity. Thunder and lightening were quick to follow.

He continued staring at the wall, a hollowness settling over him.

He didn’t know what to think.

He trusted Kaneki, even after this information. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Touka, he did, but he trusted that Kaneki wasn’t a killer. He knew there had to be more to this story. He knew he couldn’t just rage at Kaneki after only hearing a small portion and not even from Kaneki.

He’d made that mistake enough times before, and even after knowing Kaneki he had continued to be an enigma. He had been someone that he definitely couldn’t blame.

And he was in love with him.

And he was responsible for driving him away after prying. Pushing and betraying his trust.

He was such a fuck up.

He was so conflicted.

He was frustrated and scared and the sense of dread coated his skin like a second layer. It was impossible to sit too still, and moving seemed to require super strength. He felt like a living corpse, a man under a guillotine waiting for the blade to drop.

But the rain was the only thing that seemed to drop, heavy, followed by the crash of thunder.

Touka hummed.

He realised with a chill that it was an old lullaby. Just before they used to fall asleep she used to hum it. Until her voice would go off-key and fade into slow, peaceful breaths.

He could feel his eyes drooping, the nostalgia gripping him tightly. He felt like he was conditioned, his immediate reaction to the lullaby being the overwhelming need for sleep.

And just as he felt like he was going to drift into a restless, nightmare plagued sleep there was loud ringing of the phone- His phone.

His eyes shot open, and he struggled to pull it out of his pocket, waking Touka up in the process.

Kaneki. Was he okay? Had they found him? Was he home? His hands were shaking as he fumbled for it, struggling to pull it out.

Finally, finally it was in his hands, the ringing continuing insistently.

His breath hitched.

It was Kaneki.

With shaky fingers he pressed to accept the call, lifting it to his ear.

“Hello?” His voice was hoarse.

There was silence, with occasional crackling from the other side of the line. Touka’s sharp gaze fixed on him, measuring his every reaction.

He kept his features smooth, his face impassive.

The silence seemed to stretch on, and he was about to ask again when-

“ _Hide._ ”

His blood froze. Fuck. It was Kaneki.

He sounded really bad. Fuck.

“I-I’m here Kaneki, don’t worry. Where- Where are you?” he was trying to keep calm, he was trying to steady his breathing, keep his voice from wavering.

“Hide.” Kaneki’s voice was barely above a whisper and Hide wanted to wring his hands. He didn’t know what to say. He could ask Nishiki to track the phone call but that would take twenty more minutes and he was freaking out.

“Where are you Kaneki?” he repeated desperately, looking around for Touka’s phone.

There was heavy breathing on the other side, and he took a small amount of comfort in knowing that at the very least he was alive where ever he was.

“Are you at your aunt’s house?”

He checked behind the sofa cushions, looking around frantically, making hysteric hand motions at Touka, indicating that she should help him.

“I-I don’t know,” his voice was dropping, dripping exhaustion.

“It’s okay, I’ll find you Kaneki,” he comforted, finally spotting her cell phone and grabbing it to text Nishiki. All he got in response was raspy breathing, but he decided to continue to take that as a good sign. “I’ll be there soon. Try to stay awake.”

He shot off a quick text to Nishiki, who responded within seconds.

Touka watched him pace from the sofa.

“It hurts.”

The raw admission sent a shiver through him, his imagination running wild at the worst case scenarios that Kaneki had gone through. His heart beat was speeding up and _Nishiki was taking so damn long._

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

There was a stretch of silence and with every beat Hide was getting wound up tighter and tighter. He was terrified, sweat beading on his forehead. The pressure doubled due to Touka’s intense gaze fixed on him.

With everything she had just said about Kaneki he should have been angrier. He should have been furious and devastated and he realized he was.

But he was so worried; so scared for Kaneki that the rest of his emotions were being pushed aside as he focused on that one particular concern.

There was a loud banging from Kaneki’s side causing Hide to hold his breath as dread froze him to the spot.

_“Hide hurry.”_

The call cut.

* * *

 

It was past two in the afternoon by the time they had finally located him.

Nishiki had driven them there, and Touka and Kimi had refused to leave his side. They had all piled into the car, heavy with humidity and worry. The sky still overcast with heavy clouds and grey.

The rain was unbearable through their journey, the windscreen wipers loud, relentlessly trying to provide them with a clear path.

It was slow, unbearably so. It left Hide on the edge, and he’d been tired and panicked to the point where he’d seen concern flashing across Touka’s features. Open emotions winning over loving actions with her. A rare occurrence,

And as soon as Nishiki had parked the car in front of small, shady looking motel he had shot out of the car.

He was unyielding in his search, pushing open as many unlocked doors as he could. Having completely braced himself for the worst. It was manic, as he pulled at door knob after door knob. Giving way to affronted strangers and locked doors.

It seemed for a horrific moment as if they had come to the wrong place and he was ready to sink to the ground and sob, until he tugged open one of the last few doors in the hallway.

The smell hit him first. Metal. Blood.

The air was thick and musky, the smell of sex overpowering. He swallowed, his eyes unknowingly searching for him.

He pushed past the door, taking a few careful paces into the room only to step on something he immediately recognised as the remains of Kaneki’s cell phone.

His stomach seemed to drop.

Slowly his eyes adjusted to the dark, landing on the figure curled up on the bed.

Muffled groans escaping him.

And Hide couldn’t take his eyes off him, his head screaming at him to do something. He stood frozen for too long.

His eyes caught on the restraints on his hands, his legs. The gag tightly clasped around his head.

The blood that smeared the sheets. _The blood that smeared his skin_.

He staggered forward, hands shaking as he pulled off the gag. Kaneki’s eyes were half lidded and he looked barely conscious.

“Hide,” he moaned, his voice sounding faraway. A frenzied expression on his face.

He started on the ropes, tugging at the tight knots, and wincing at the obvious bruises forming on Kaneki’s skin.

“It’s okay Kaneki. You’ll be okay,” he said as reassuringly as he could manage, thanking God that his voice wasn’t shaking.

Kaneki seemed to quieten after that, and Hide was pulling off the ropes frantically occasionally glancing at him to make sure he was still awake. Bruises littered his jaw, his neck, glistening in the dim light pouring in from the hallway.

Hide took off his jacket, draping it lightly over Kaneki’s shaking frame.

“I’m going to call an ambula-”

“Don’t,” his eyes were fixed on him, ablaze with feverish energy.

Hide frowned, shaking his head.

“Kaneki, I have-”

“Leave me here to die.”

It was a plea.

He didn’t know how to respond.

The first thing that immediately came to mind was ‘no.’

_You can’t say that. You shouldn’t say that._

He needed to convince Kaneki, he needed to convince him that he couldn’t die. He needed to have the will to live. He _had_ to.

“Kan-”

“Hide, _please.”_ His voice cracked, tears steadily trailing down his cheeks as he stared at Hide. His cheeks red and bloodstained, vulnerable. Humiliated. Pained.

“Hide, did you find Kaneki-” Kimi’s voice rang empty in the hallway as the three figures entered the room freezing behind Hide’s wavering figure.

“Kaneki I’m sorry,” he breathed.

“Let me die here, _please_. I can’t do this.”

He couldn’t help himself, he needed to touch him. Reassure him somehow. But the best he could do right now was sit on the edge of the crime scene and touch his hand.

“Tired. So tired,” Kaneki whispered, totally unaware of the newcomers prescence, his voice taking on a jagged edge. “Everything hurts,  hurts so bad.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” he said again, tangling their fingers.

Kaneki responded weakly, his fingers twitching slightly.

“You hurt. You- You hurt the most Hide.” His breath’s were growing heavier.

“Let me die.”

“Kaneki you don’t understand,” he began, hoping that he could just chalk everything Kaneki was saying to his injuries and pain. He’d be in hospital and receive treatment and he’d be better. He’d do better. He’ll be better.

Hide was so selfish.

“I understand _everything._ Let me die. I want to die. I want to die Hide. I want to die so fucking badly, I just hurt Hide. Let me die-”

“Ken pleas-”

“No! You’ve read my file. You know my past, now please. Please. You’ve sated your curiosity. Please just let me die.” His eyes were glassy, locked with his own.

“Please let me die Hide,” he whispered.

Dumbfounded, his heart aching, he shook his head.

Kaneki continued to cry.


	19. Stay with me a little longer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His head was aching, his eyes were burning.
> 
> He felt like he was dying.
> 
> Maybe this was death.

He was so tired. So tired.

His vision was blurry with tears and exhaustion, and he had never felt more humiliated in his life.

He felt like an object; Broken and beyond repair.

He’d tried so hard.

He tried so hard to make everyone happy. He tried so hard to do what he needed to.

He worked and worked. He just needed to get enough money.

Money to save his mother.

To repay his aunt.

And he’d lost _everything_ for money.

He’d been sold for money more times than he could count, and then the next day he had sat through lectures that dictated that human lives were something that couldn’t be sold; human lives were immeasurable in terms of cost, priceless. He couldn’t even scoff at the idea, his need to please so high that he drowned himself in the hypocrisy that he seemed to be build his whole worth from. He had no personality.

He was empty.

And he wished he had never called Hide because then he could have died.

Died in peace.

But he didn’t want to die in peace. He wanted to be remembered. He needed to make sure he wouldn’t die in a way that would leave him forgotten, and it was so pathetically hypocritical to how he spent his life that it was laughable.

He laughed. It sounded like a groan.

Hide’s grip on his hand tightened.

“Kaneki, I’m sorry.”

Why would he be sorry?

Emotionally harmful curiosity wasn’t a crime. Hide shouldn’t be sorry. Kaneki on the other hand should be the one who’s sorry.

“Sorry for calling.” He replied coughing, his throat burning painfully. He could taste blood.

“Sorry for existing Hide.”

He could vaguely make out Hide flinching, his face twisting into a pained expression. He should stop talking. He was causing him pain. He didn’t want to cause him pain.

 _He did_.

He hurt when he hurt.

What should he say?

He was sure Hide wouldn’t let him die now that he was here. The thought made him sick. He’d have to think about the future. He’d have to find a place to go. He’d have to breathe knowing he was stuck in his disgusting, disgusting body.

He was so tired.

“I- I just. I just want to die.”

And he was taking this as a final ditch effort to beg for what he wanted.

And there was a nagging voice within him telling him that this was pointless because who has ever listened to what he’s wanted before?

“Please leave me. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Hide, I’m sorry alright?” Hide squeezed his hand. He felt lost.

“ _Please.”_ His voice cracked pitifully, painful sobs racking his body. He was such a cry baby.

Hide was shaking his head, his lips pressed together.

Disgust, that was disgust on his face.

It made him cry harder.

His thighs were aching, his ribs hurt, and he felt used and tired.

He had a sense of wrong coating him. Existing made him feel as if his very being was being chipped away bit by bit.

“Please Hide. I can’t- Please.” His voice sounded distant to his own ears.

He had been so focused on Hide that he hadn’t noticed that he was healing too. He had been healing so well. And just when he’d noticed it had all went to hell.

Looking up blearily at Hide’s beautiful eyes he was awash with a sense of self loathing.

He wished he could hate them, he wished he could hate him.

* * *

Nishiki pushed past him, kneeling by Kaneki’s side, Kimi following closely behind.  He didn’t look behind him to see whether Touka was still there or not.

Was she happy that Kaneki was suffering like he deserved?

He felt disgusted for thinking that.

He didn’t move further than he was, back on his feet, swaying slightly. Everything felt so wrong.

No.

Everything _was_ wrong.

The dim light from the hallway was illuminating the room and for the first time since entering he looked around.

Kaneki’s phone was in pieces a few paces in front of him. Clothes strewn around.

Rope.

Belts.

All pieces of evidence leading to the crime scene on the bed.

He felt sick.

Kimi started talking, and for a moment her words were completely incoherent to him. It took him entirely too long to process them.

“He’s not moving.”

Kaneki wasn’t moving. He wasn’t moving. This couldn’t be happening. No.

He could feel his breathing growing shallower.

No. This couldn’t be happening.

Nishiki looked back at him, his lips pressed together tightly. His expression pinched and worried.

He could see his mouth moving, but a sense of dizziness seemed to overcome. He couldn’t hear anything, the ringing in his ears unbearable.

He tried to open his mouth to respond but instead he found his eyes drooping and Nishiki’s eyes widening with panic.

“Kaneki,” He managed.

The room tilted.

* * *

Hide woke up to sobbing. Hide woke up to heavy rain and it felt like suffocation because he didn’t feel rested. He felt _disgusting._

He felt like he’d committed an unforgivable sin. The rain continued to pound harder. The sobbing seemed to grow louder, as if the noise from the rain would drown it out. He almost wished it would. He wanted to lie back down and cover his ears and curl up and sob right along.

His head was aching, his eyes were burning.

He felt like he was dying.

Maybe this was death.

He forced his stiff muscles to move and sat up slowly, looking around in surprise. He was in his room, exactly as he had left it yesterday. The file seemed to be suspiciously missing, he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or bad. He was on the mattress on the ground, his blanket tangled beneath him.

For a second he thought he was back to when everything was okay; Where Kaneki didn’t hate him; Where Kaneki didn’t seem to be teetering on the edge of death and pleading for it incessantly.

He looked around his dark room, freezing at the sight of Kaneki lying in his bed.

His shoulders were shaking, his back turned to him. He was covered by a flimsy blanket.

“Kaneki?” His voice was scratchy.

The sobbing stopped. The rain seemed to grow heavier, the room darker. He wanted to move close.

“Kaneki?” he repeated. He felt like he was going to tear out his own hair from the mere anxiety that was engulfing him. His entire being seemed to be wound up, his lungs unable to breathe properly. He felt like he needed to keep reminding them to do their job.

“Please leave me alone,” his voice was shaking.

“Did you get bandages?”

There was silence.

Kaneki was curled up into the foetal position. Hide could see the ridges in his spine from where the blanket had ridden up. He could see the bruises, the welts from the belt, long cuts running down his back.

Did they need stitches?

Why wasn’t Kaneki in the hospital?

“Let me get you-”

“Don’t.” He said it firmly, with finality.

“Kaneki I’m only trying to help-”

“Hide, _please._ You’re not my guardian. _Leave me alone_.”

He swallowed. He knew Kaneki was right. He didn’t have sort of authority over him. But he cared about him. His wellbeing. He needed to know he was okay. He needed to know he wasn’t in more pain than he needed to be in.

“Let me treat your cuts.”

The wind was making his windows rattle wildly and just a few nights ago he would have moved closer to Kaneki, smiled at him dreamily, kissed his cheek.

“You fucking can’t.” Kaneki replied, his voice rough.

The harsh tone hurt.

He deserved it.

“Kaneki, _please,”_ he begged, desperation creeping into his voice.

Kaneki tugged at the blanket covering him, a soft hiss escaping him. The rain continued noisily but Hide heard it.

There was silence after that.

He waited, not wanting to startle him in any way.

Kaneki pushed the sheet down abruptly revealing his back almost completely.

Was that permission?

There was no movement, and after a few beats of silence he decided to take that as consent and darted off his make-shift bed, staggering a little at the wave of dizziness that hit him. Not waiting for his vision to clear he made his way to the bathroom struggling to ignore the spots swimming before him.

The apartment was completely silent.

It made his skin crawl.

He grabbed the first aid box, quickly soaked a small towel, knocking over multiple bath products in his haste.

He needed to get back. He needed to repent somehow. He needed to help him. The fact that Kaneki was let him touch him at all was an indication of how much pain he must be in.

Returning to his room he settled beside him, gently opening the first aid-kit, and grabbing the wet towel. He started to dab at the dried blood, doing his best to clean the wound.

Kaneki flinched.

“I’m so sorry,” Hide whispered, continuing to dab at the blood.

He could see Kaneki’s muscles straining as he braced himself against the pain.

“Do you think you could sit up? I’ll get the blood off the rest of you,” he murmured, moving back to give him some space.

He was trying not to let his hands shake as he saw Kaneki’s back wounds exposed before him. He wanted to report his aunt.

He wanted her to suffer.

He couldn’t fucking understand how a human being could have so little compassion or empathy for someone so young. He couldn’t understand how Kaneki’s aunt could look at Kaneki and do those things to Kaneki and not see her sister in him somewhere. He didn’t understand how she could be so greedy that she was willing to basically throw Kaneki to his death.

It was disgusting.

Kaneki was shaking where he lay, his muscles still straining, his hands braced against the mattress.

“Let me help you,” he leaned forward, wrapping his arm around his torso as lightly as he could manage and helped him sit up.

His eyes were red-rimmed and swollen, his face ghostly pale, his bruises more prominent. He was still shaking, his arms weakly wrapped around himself.

“Thanks.” His voice cracked.

He nodded, forcing himself to maintain his calm façade.

“I’m going to wipe around your hips okay?” He could see trails of blood running from his stomach to his hips. Similar trails on his thighs.

He took a deep breath, hoping the sound was drowned out by the rain and ignored the tears trailing down Kaneki’s cheeks.

* * *

He was trying not to shake as he felt the cloth move softly down his skin. He was tense, his jaw clenched.

It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. _It hurt._

It hurt so fucking badly he couldn’t breathe.

Hide was being gentle, so unbearably gentle. His feather light touches were soothing. The blood being cleansed off his body felt like a blessing. It was all he could smell.

Iron, dirt and his own mistakes.

“I’m going to move to your thighs, okay?”

So fucking gentle.

He hated it. It felt like pity from the man he loved. From the same man that he had thought had loved him. He didn’t want to look up and see that in Hide’s eyes. He didn’t want to see himself morph into a burden. He couldn’t see himself dirtied. He wanted to run away from the facts. He wanted to avoid it just a little longer.

He didn’t think he’d be able to handle this. He didn’t think he’d be able to lose someone who he’d thought was his salvation.

He kept losing people.

He kept losing the ones he loved.

He kept losing to them. They kept falling.

And it hurt so much, it hurt so much that he couldn’t breathe.

He couldn’t breathe.

He was doubled over and Hide’s hands were on his shoulders. He flinched.

_Their hands gripping him tightly, forcing him down. An iron grip on his shoulders. He couldn’t move._

_He couldn’t move._

Hide was saying something. He sounded like he was underwater. He tried to reply.

He had to reply.

He couldn’t reply. He couldn’t breathe.

He couldn’t breathe.

* * *

 

When he was younger he used to like to eat raw honey. He loved the texture, he loved the sweetness. He loved how it would melt on his tongue, filling him with warmth.

His mother would scold him about how it wasn’t healthy for him all the time.

And he wasn’t the best at listening to her. Finding the small jar and dipping his finger in it. Getting it everywhere.

She hid the bottle after that, only giving him a spoonful sprinkled with pepper.

She said it was healthier.

As he was growing he realized that his life had the warmth and sweetness of honey. He was growing up comfortably, his parents’ sweet, understanding. His life was smooth and he knew exactly what he wanted to do without any crisis.

He liked the slow treacle pace he was provided with. He liked understanding people easily, analysing them until he could point out their tics one by one.

But he also loved the adventure he had found.

The little tang that came with pepper in honey.

It was healthy.

He was healthy for him.

Kaneki had always been good for him.

And he never had.

* * *

“I know you can’t forgive me. I can’t forgive myself. I can’t even justify myself. I just-”

He felt like he was an ocean, waves crashing into him, pushing him under. And he didn’t like the struggle; he didn’t like how domineering it was. He could hear the water, rushing, loud and all he wanted was to hit the bottom. He wanted to stop being pushed back and forth.

He wanted to go down, down, down.

He wanted to block out the voice, he wanted to block out all sensations of being real, of existing. He knew it was important, but he was so tired, he was so agonizingly tired that his brain couldn’t process why.

He just knew he had to sink.

And he could feel himself floating, and for a second he saw a flash of familiar eyes and fear shot through him. He needed to go, he needed to leave. He couldn’t be here.

And he was still being pushed down at that infuriatingly slow pace and it felt like a mockery. Water seemed to swirl around him and it felt like laughter.

“Nishiki, I literally don’t give a fuck. I’m not leaving him.”

It felt like a break in his consciousness. He didn’t know whether he was there or here.

He just was.

Everything around him rendered him immobile and it felt too much like being a ragdoll again. It felt like too much again. It felt like nothing.

And he wanted to open his eyes and face whatever was pulling him like an anchor to the ground. He wanted to face whatever was cutting the anchor free. He wanted to face what was causing this back and forth leaving him suspended in the state of limbo.

He wanted to move.

He felt fingers sliding down his face, over his lips and he leaned in. Hide’s hands. Hide’s touch.

He was blinded by his will to love.

“I can’t Nishiki. Call the police inside. I _can’t_ leave him _._ ”

The hands were so cold, sliding to his jaw and down to his neck. Fingers ghosting over his veins.

Another hand slid up his chest, and he sighed. Up.

Up.

Both hands around his neck and they were choking him. And suddenly there was laughter.

Her laughter.

His laughter.

A scream ripped its way out of his throat. At least he thought it was his.

“No. No. No. _No.”_

He couldn’t move, and he was scared. He needed to move.

He needed to breathe, he needed to sink. He needed to get away from them. He couldn’t be around them again. Not them again. He couldn’t.

“The-They can’t be.”

His eyes shot open and there were lilies everywhere. The scent overpowering.

He was floating, and he wasn’t sinking. The hands were gone, the sky was lilies.

White, everything was white and his face was wet with tears.

“They’re dead.”

Why was he crying?

“It’s my entire fault.”

He closed his eyes.

White.

“They’re fucking dead.”


	20. Like a drifting haze we roam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was all a blur around him.
> 
> His thoughts.
> 
> Time.
> 
> Ever since they had brought Kaneki to the hospital after his collapse his mind had been on over drive. But receiving this news seemed to shut him down.

_It felt like drowning in a dark sea of gasoline and the only thing that he wanted to do was to light a match._

_It was echoes of ‘selfish’ and ‘burden’ that rang and rang. Until they were the truth._

_And with choked back sobs the truth was revealed._

_Was it contorted?_

_No one wanted this, and no one should be hurt._

_But the flame was lit- everything was ablaze._

* * *

 

It was all a blur around him.

His thoughts.

Time.

Ever since they had brought Kaneki to the hospital after his collapse his mind had been on over drive. But receiving this news seemed to shut him down.

An odd sort of numbness had descended upon him. He was seated across the two stone-faced CCG investigators that he was sure he had seen them sometime during his shifts.

They’d started speaking and he didn’t know anymore.

He didn’t know anything.

It was all a blur.

* * *

“We’re very sorry for your loss. Compensation will be made accordingly, and a sizable sum transferred to your account. Do you know of any other guardians that you’d be comfortable staying with?”

He stared at them blankly wondering if they really were sorry; if they really did feel anything.

He didn’t want compensation.

He just wanted them back.

He didn’t know anyone, he didn’t know anything.

He felt the information unwillingly process.

With his face in his hands, their voices droned in the background.

His body felt heavy and he didn’t think he could breathe. He couldn’t listen to their voices any longer.

He needed to get away. 

* * *

_He regretted everything. He regretted getting to know him._

_He regretted it intensely, because he’d left agony in his wake. (Could he be blaming him again?)_

_It made a permanent home within him._

_It resided within his skin, his bones and he only had to see or hear one thing that would remind him of them._

_What was ripped apart so violently, and all that was left was corpses without souls._

* * *

Guilt. Guilt drowned him.

He had argued with them before they had left.

He couldn’t believe he’d left them like that.

He couldn’t believe he had had the nerve to do that to them.

His claims about protecting them were founded on his selfishness. He couldn’t believe that his desire for protection had been so secondary to him.

He couldn’t believe himself.

He couldn’t believe he had let them die.

He couldn’t fucking believe he’d let them go off with a memory like that.

Had they died knowing how much he loved them?

Had they known how sorry he was?

He’d give up his life to turn back time and talk to them properly. Just for one last time. Just to set things right. To tell them that he loved them so much.

He loved them so much and they shouldn’t leave the house.

 _It’s dark and rainy, and I’m_ _so sorry._

That they shouldn’t leave him.

* * *

_And he smiles, because what else can he do?_

_Standing on weakened roots and bending under the weight of that smile which grows beautiful flowers and rotting apples._

_He tries to be his own garden, and everyone else’s too but it’s too stormy and too dark and with the next gust of wind he might fall.  
But that’s okay because he’s smiling._

* * *

His hands were carded through his own hair and he didn’t know why he wasn’t crying. Why he was just sitting there.

He couldn’t feel anything.

“They’re dead.” He said.

The machine beeped in response and even that sounded apathetic.

_They died?_

_So what?_

_Oh don’t tell me you’re trying to repent? Are you trying to make amends? Convince yourself that rationally it’s not your fault?_

“It’s all my fault.”

It was all his fault.

Maybe it wasn’t _all_ his fault. Maybe there was someone else involved too.

Maybe he had a part to play.

After all if he hadn’t had been a part of his life would they have been in danger at all.

Maybe Kaneki was to blame.

Maybe.

He tugged at his hair, gritting his teeth in anger.

He couldn’t do this anymore.

The machine continued beeping; Continuing its taunting onslaught.

He shook his head.

He didn’t know why he was talking to him in the first place.

He’d hurt him so much and here he was talking as if he could solve everything.

“They’re fucking dead.” He managed.

The machine beeped.

* * *

_It’s supposed to be less is more._

_But with you, more is less._

_And more is not enough_

_For eternity sounds like less,_

_As I want more._

* * *

The sun rose and fell and he held his hand. When he woke up he was still holding his hand. It was raining outside as well.

Grey, the room was overcast with grey, and he didn’t know what to make of the spot of black in Kaneki’s snowy hair.

He couldn’t meet his eyes.

He let his fingers unravel from Kaneki’s warmer ones and dropped his hand.

He remembered the sobbing that had come with the rain, and he couldn’t believe that it had been more than a day since then. He couldn’t remember who the crying had belonged to.

Was he crying?

Was the sky crying?

Was it Kaneki?

He didn’t realise Kaneki was talking. He was speaking softly, and Hide didn’t want to look up.

His heart was heavy and there was a lump in his throat but Kaneki’s words were just buzzing.

He needed to leave.

He didn’t miss the way Kaneki’s lips turned down in hurt as he got up from the dingy stool.

He didn’t look back as he left.

* * *

Nishiki tried to make him return to his life, and soon he was followed by Kimi.

They prompted him into the shower, got him warm food, sent in letters asking for his absences to be excused. They made phone calls and talked to the police.

They went through the sun and rain and tried to help him return to his life.

Touka brought him small anecdotes, timid smiles he didn’t think he’d ever see from Touka. She got him ice-cream and biting into it he flinched.

He hated green tea.

His bedroom curtains remained drawn, his bed unmade for the most part. Sometimes Kimi would scold him and fix it for him but he could see how the young couples’ patience with him was wearing thin.

How long had it been?

Perception of time was utterly lost on him and he wanted to hear someone speak but all he could hear was buzzing. Maybe the rational part of his mind still hadn’t returned from its long break.

He still felt the ghost of Kaneki’s hand in his and he still saw him sometimes; Always from the corner of his eye.

Even though his clothes and books were gone, for the longest time the bed sheets smelled like him and he hated himself for not washing them with the strongest detergent he owned.

He hated himself more for finding security in them.

He was going through a rapid fire of emotions and he felt like he could sympathise with Touka. He would sympathise with Touka if he could hear her over the ringing in his ears.

If he could hear anything over the crying that echoed in his mind.

* * *

_And the stars shone brighter and brighter, but it didn’t really matter._

_The sea could cover the land and it wouldn’t matter._

_Drowning was an activity he wouldn’t mind taking part in._

_And if the sky fell he would fall right with it. And maybe he’d fall through a cloud and reach the moon._

_And it feels like breathing and suffocating at the same time- and I think of our lives- intertwined._

_It makes me sick that it came to this._

_We had to walk away._

_What was you and me, is just me and maybe, maybe there doesn’t need to be._

* * *

He returns to university, and he returns to his happy go lucky personality and maybe it isn’t real this time around but the palpable relief in his friends’ eyes makes it easier for him to continue his façade. He laughs at _everything._

He throws himself back into his studies full force, he joins his clubs. He stays back longer and goes to arcades.

Returning home everyday he can see the similar relief in Kimi and Nishiki, and he convinces himself to smile longer. Be happier.

_Be happier._

He goes back to the CCG and Akira and Amon go easy on him and he denies three meeting requests from the Director Washuu. He doesn’t think he would be able to cope with this.

He needs distractions but he doesn’t need stress. He doesn’t need to know.

He doesn’t need to know anything.

He convinces himself that every time he enters Asian history he doesn’t look for Kaneki. He convinces himself that he doesn’t let out a small sigh of relief every time he spots him in the lecture hall, or in the university campus.

He tells himself he doesn’t feel like his heart has ripped itself to shreds when he sees him sitting alone reading a book like he’s content with life. He tells himself that he should hate him.

He tells himself that Kaneki hates him, and Hide should too.

He tells himself a lot of things.

* * *

_You made my life laughter and smiles and happiness. You paved a clear road that I was hell-bent on following. And it was the same laughter that made my heart race alongside my thoughts._

_And everywhere you were and everywhere you went you left trails of longing gazes._

_You left me with nights when we were close enough to taste each others’ breath, they hurt the most._

_Evidence, scattered everywhere, and you turned your back._

_Avoided me more and more, and left pieces of my heart in your wake._

_Eventually it was absolute that I was a passing thought to you, maybe even less._

_But for me it was you._

_Just you._

* * *

He went to the Ghouls meeting. The moment he entered the room conversation seemed to die down and it felt like all eyes turned to him. He struggled to maintain his confident walk as he reached the sofa.

He positioned himself beside Touka and smiled, hoping his mask wouldn’t fail him. He was good at this kind of thing, he could do it.

He didn’t miss Kaneki leaving the room at his entry or the guarded look that Nishiki shot Kimi. She followed Kaneki, exiting the meeting.

The members were being debriefed over their next move on Aogiri who were confirmed to have a link to the killer.

He was handed a jacket with three swords embroidered artfully into the back- finalising his place in the Ghouls.

Yoshimura started talking about the killer and his possible affiliations but Hide stared at the door blankly, the words eluding him.

His shoulders slumped.

He was so weary.

* * *

The cold was seeping into his bones as he stared at the bleak city below him. His personal hell.

He’d made it that way, he’d created it, carefully planned his own downfall. He’d deserved the words he heard everyday. He deserved the snickers he got when he walked through campus, and the murderous looks that Touka shot him on occasion.

He sighed softly, trying to return to his writing.

Hide had hurt him so much, but he’d hurt Hide too.

He knew it was his own fault for dragging Hide into this.

He couldn’t forget it- his dead eyed stare, the purple shadows underneath his eyes. He’d turned away from him, recoiled when Kaneki had tried to approach him. Everything was etched into his mind.

Sitting there on the roof of a thirty floor apartment building he wanted to do nothing more than throw himself from the edge and hurtle to the ground.

He was bad luck, and he didn’t want to bring bad luck to anyone else.

He ignored Nishiki and Kimi’s calls. He ignored whenever anyone tried to talk to him. He ignored the bright laughter that echoed through the university campus, and he ignored his heartache that came with the sound.

He ignored the need to throw himself forward, towards an imminent death.

He continued writing, shivering in the rain.

* * *

_I was a fading life, on a stranger’s balcony._

* * *

Drinking the pain away had never been the solution for him. The solution had always been trying to find the root of the problem and working from there; to think about a way around it, to talk it out and fix it.

He couldn’t find the solution if the problem was him, these emotions he couldn’t control; these emotions that he couldn’t feel properly.

So he turned to drinking.

Broken glass was the last thing he remembered, before everything was blurred before him and he was making his way through the dark streets.

The rain came down in sheets and he was drenched as soon as he had stepped out of the shabby bar.

He was desperately scrubbing his eyes with his arm to clear his vision, the rain running in rivulets down his face, his arms.

Everything was spinning.

He turned into a dark alleyway, his instincts screaming at him to leave the potential dangerous ward, and collapsed beside a dumpster.

He didn’t understand why the numbness didn’t leave him.

* * *

_Didn’t you know?_

_You left me running on cheap coffee and adrenaline._

_Like a ghost you only appeared for a few seconds, disappearing immediately and leaving me scared._

_Your laughter echoes in the hallways, your footsteps haunting the bedroom floor._

_These books crave your finger tips to brush over them lovingly, and my skin wants._

_Promises weren’t promises to you, and betrayal was bitter._

_It may not rain forever, but when it rains it pours._

* * *

He felt a pair of arms engulf him and he didn’t have to look up to know who it was. He wanted to move away, he had to. It wasn’t right that he wasn’t pushing him away.

He raised his arms and found himself looping them around him, pulling him closer until he was falling on him.

They sat in the rain, a mess of tangled limbs.

He could feel his hot breath against his neck.

“I know we can’t be like this,” Kaneki murmured, his arms tightening around Hide.

Hide wanted to agree, his tongue wouldn’t allow the words to form.

“Forget about everything. Just for now,” he whispered, pressing his lips to Kaneki’s hair.

Forget about the mess that we’ve both landed in.

That we’ve landed in because of you and me.

“Just for now.” Kaneki echoed, pulling back. Hide nodded slowly, finally looking at Kaneki.

He looked haggard. His cheeks sunken but flushed from the cold, his eyelashes gathering raindrops. His eyes stormy.

He looked beautiful.

He looked like the personification of his guilt that he was trying so desperately to seal away.

He didn’t get a chance to say much more before they were kissing.

Kaneki’s hands were balled up in his shirt and Hide was dragging him closer, until they were pressed flush together, panting.

Kaneki bit at him lightly, and then harsher, and Hide gasped. Their kiss was far from slow and gentle as they tried to desperately reacquaint themselves with each other.

Hide felt like he was finally feeling something, he felt emotion. He felt angry. He felt hurt.

He kissed him harder and Kaneki responded in like. His hands travelling over his chest to his neck. Hide moved his own to cup his face between his fingers.

He finally felt something. His mind was reeling.

Kaneki pulled back abruptly, shocking Hide out of his epiphany. He opened his mouth to ask him ‘what?’ but he was cut off.

“We can’t do this.”

He didn’t even need to question what this was.

Hide agreed with him, logically he did. He just didn’t say it.

“I can’t kiss you and have you break my heart. I can’t have you going around looking at my past like I’m an enigma that needs to be figured out and have you acting like you knew nothing. Hide, I can’t have you blaming me. I can’t have you breaking my heart.”

His heart was beating so fast he thought it would explode.

He nodded mutely.

Kaneki rubbed his eyes before standing and leaving. 

* * *

 

When he finally reached his room, soaked to the skin and shivering uncontrollably, he immediately fell on his bed, tugging the bed sheets around him.

The freshly washed scent hit him, and he pulled them closer.

All traces of Kaneki were gone, and he found himself crying into the fabric.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the positive feedback!  
> This chapter was supposed to be choppy and sort of hazy so it would follow Hide's mindset to an extent- however not all of it is from Hide's point of view!  
> The pace will pick up by the next chapter.  
> Hope you enjoyed the update! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ


	21. I must have been so blind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As carefully as he could manage he leaned over him, arms on either side of Kaneki and pressed their foreheads together, cupping Kaneki’s face in his hands, his thumbs tracing his cheekbones. He could see Kaneki’s eyes fluttering before he dipped in to kiss him.
> 
> I love you.
> 
> I love everything about you.
> 
> I love you so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the late update OTL real life and uni is very hectic  
> Updates will probably be erractic till December  
> Thank you for following this story so far!! and hope you enjoy the short update!! （´・｀ ）♡

 

“You came,” he said, not bothering to look behind him to check who it was.

There was familiarity in those footsteps and he refused to question his instincts ever again. He refused to let his logic leave him so completely that he would hurt someone else pointlessly.

He supposed it was unavoidable. He couldn’t be apathetic and calculated about something as…. Something as big as his own parent’s-

Kaneki settled down beside him gingerly, his face turned towards the incredible view of the city from the roof. Away from him. He couldn’t help but notice the two feet distance he had left between them.

Hide couldn’t blame him. Hide couldn’t blame anyone.

He was slowly and surely coming to terms with the situation, with his own thoughts. The guilt of his actions and the guilt of the whole situation had settled firmly on his shoulders.

Logically he understood it was unreasonable, but he acknowledged that it was impossible to get over certain things within a time limit. He needed to allow himself to heal.

He needed to let Kaneki heal.

But to heal they couldn’t continue what it was that they were doing. They needed to acknowledge everything- lay it out in the open.

“It’s quite terrifying to be acutely aware of mortality sometimes.”

He shot a surprised look at Kaneki who was still staring at the scene in front of them. He hadn’t expected him to talk without prompting.

“What made you aware of it?” He sounded more bitter than he actually was, his voice slightly scratchy. He couldn’t move his eyes from his face.

Kaneki smiled, turning to face Hide, making his breath catch. Kaneki was so beautiful; Bathed in the city lights, crinkles around his grey eyes, his hair tousled by the wind. He looked ethereal.

“I know you blame me Hide. You can let it out.” He sounded composed, not angry or hurt like he had previously in the alleyway. He sounded like he’d practiced those words until they came to him perfectly.

Now, with Kaneki’s eyes on him he was finding it difficult to maintain eye-contact. His guilt was escalating because this was most definitely _not_ Kaneki’s fault. This was no ones fault.

Yet he knew he did unconsciously blame Kaneki to an extent. He felt sick for feeling that way because realistically Kaneki could have done nothing to prevent it.

_He could have stayed away._

I _could have stayed away._

But neither did.

And his parents were dead because of it.

“I don’t want to.” He admitted weakly, his eyes not leaving Kaneki’s. Kaneki’s expression didn’t waver in the slightest.

“You can. It’s okay. Let it out, it will be cathartic,” his voice was soft, understanding. More gentle than he deserved.

“Kaneki, you can’t throw yourself at my mercy like that.”

He sounded monotone, unfeeling where he wanted to sound passionate and firm. It seemed that the bright lights of Tokyo had sucked the entire colour from him.

Kaneki chuckled mirthlessly, startling Hide from his short-lived musing.

“I’m honestly at your mercy all the time Hide.” Kaneki said softly, tilting his head, “I’m yours to use, I suppose.”

Hide stared at him, eyes wide and unbelieving.

He hated himself at that moment; he hated himself for wanting to cry. He should’ve been crying more. His parents had died for God’s sake. He should be crying _more._ He’d dragged Kaneki down. Kaneki had been _to hospital_. All his fault.

It was all his fault.

So then why did he blame Kaneki?

Why did he not blame himself more?

He hated himself for meeting Kaneki’s eyes and _melting._ He hated himself for being so utterly gone for him that he couldn’t think rationally.

He hated himself for reaching forward and hesitantly taking Kaneki’s hand in his.

He hated seeing Kaneki’s smile fall slowly.

_Kaneki shouldn’t be forcing smiles anyway._

He hated himself for leaning into his space, waiting for him to back off. Waiting for him to push him away- he didn’t.

He hated himself for closing the distance between them, taking a deep breath and just feeling Kaneki’s familiarity. Feeling a part of him that he had felt broken without, returning to him. Feeling Kaneki’s hands, weight, wide expectant eyes on his; Finally, his lips.

He hated Kaneki for kissing back.

* * *

It was raining and Hide was frantically jingling his keys in the lock to somehow unlock the door and enter his probably frozen apartment. Kaneki was pressed into his side, shivering, and Hide unconsciously wrapped his arm around him, pulling him closer and finally unlocking his door and pushing it open.

Both of them stumbled inside, dripping onto the carpet, the door closing behind them with a loud thud that echoed in the empty apartment.

He started to turn to Kaneki, make some comment about the freezing temperature. Anything to crack the ice, but Kaneki’s lips were on his, his fingers tangling in his hair.

He gasped into the kiss, and Kaneki seemed to grow more forceful.

He tugged him closer, balling his hands in his flimsy jacket. Stumbling forward until Kaneki was backed up against a wall and their teeth were clashing together.

Everything felt urgent, rushed, their lips on each other, Kaneki’s nails against his scalp.

_I love you._

_I love you so, so much._

“Taking this off,” he said instead, moving his lips from his mouth to his jaw, pushing Kaneki’s jacket off his shoulders. It landed with a wet squelch on the clean floor. Kimi was going to kill him.

Kaneki’s breath was hot against his skin as he tilted his head, tugging at Hide’s hair. He groaned as Hide bit softly at the soft flesh of his neck, making Hide shiver for reasons completely unrelated to the cold.

Kaneki smelled so good, mint, rain and just the heady scent of _him._ Kaneki was tugging at his hair, breathing heavily, and he couldn’t get enough.  Kaneki was _so_ beautiful, always soft and perfect but this was new.

His hands were pushing at his shirt, trailing their hands over the planes of his abdomen, slowly lifting the fabric.

The apartment filled with the rustling of them struggling with their clothes and their heavy breathing.

“You’ll need to move if you want anything off,” Kaneki said, his voice breathless, his eyes dark, roaming over Hide with a look that Hide had never seen before. It sent a jet of warmth through him.

He untangled himself, satisfaction washing over him when he noticed how dishevelled and breathless Kaneki looked.

“Take it off in the bedroom?” Hide held out his hand, surprised at how quick Kaneki was to take it in his own.

It sent a flurry of maybes through his mind, a seed of possibly fixing everything was planting itself in his head. Maybe he could win Kaneki back after this.

Maybe they could love each other again.

_He was just sad and in love._

“I didn’t know you did one night stands.” And ouch, that stung. But he could tell from the way of delivery that it was supposed to have hurt, and to be fair this, whatever this was, was happening outside of a defined relationship.

Him and Kaneki were toeing the fine line of awkward exes and star-crossed lovers.

It was Hide’s fault.

He recognised that.

But Kaneki was being distracting, running his hand over the thin fabric of his t-shirt down his spine, resting on his hip. The warmth felt like a brand on his skin.

He tugged Kaneki along gently to his bedroom, pushing him lightly towards the bed until he was sitting. He didn’t waste time in taking off his own shirt, not oblivious to Kaneki’s appraising look running down his body.

Shit.

He was tugged onto his lap before he had time to feel self-conscious and they were kissing again, lips parting and he took it as permission to slide his tongue into Kaneki’s mouth. To his surprise Kaneki groaned, running his fingers down Hide’s back, electricity dancing along his bare skin with the touch.

He pulled back, skimming his lips along Kaneki’s jaw, who continued his exploration, letting out soft sighs.

And each sound sent a pang straight to his heart. Each sound was _so_ soft, so Kaneki and this shouldn’t have been happening like this.

“Off,” he breathed, tugging at Kaneki’s shirt, his desperation for skin on skin contact increasing. Kaneki let out a huff and pulled back, lifting the collar of his shirt to take it off and shit that shouldn’t have been so sexy.

The shirt was flung aside and Hide’s eyes were on him.

The room was dark but Kaneki’s pale skin glowed and Hide could make out the fading bruises and scars easily. Small cuts everywhere and he could feel a lump forming in his throat.

The memory of finding him in that motel, and him begging to die was fresh in his mind. He shouldn’t be thinking about that.

Kaneki leaned back on his elbows, watching Hide watch him. His expression was indifferent, but his eyes betrayed his insecurity.

“It’s off but you don’t like what you see, do you,” his voice was hushed, his words a statement rather than a question.

Hide smiled a little at Kaneki’s comment, pushing him back lightly until his elbows gave and he was on his back; His hair splayed around him, making him look angelic, his lips swollen and flush crawling from his shoulders to his cheeks.

Everything was muted at that moment, delicate. Like they were making love and Kaneki didn’t see this as a one night stand. Like Kaneki wasn’t insecure and knew how much Hide wanted him; how much Hide loved him.

As carefully as he could manage he leaned over him, arms on either side of Kaneki and pressed their foreheads together, cupping Kaneki’s face in his hands, his thumbs tracing his cheekbones. He could see Kaneki’s eyes fluttering before he dipped in to kiss him.

_I love you._

_I love everything about you._

_I love you so much._

Kaneki responded to his kiss, and it felt like before. It was gentle and chaste and it was everything he missed; His personal before. Before this whole mess, and before when they could exchange ‘I love yous’ and stupid jokes.

“You’re beautiful,” he mumbled, against his lips, feeling Kaneki stiffen. He had expected as much.

He moved to Kaneki’s neck, peppering kisses, biting and licking a trail of small marks until Kaneki was writhing underneath him. His fingers were scratching his back, making their way to his hair. His breathing was heavy, small blissful sounds escaping him and Hide had never desired anything more, the thought sending sparks through him.

He kissed the dip of his collarbones, tracing his hand down the outline of Kaneki’s body just to toy with his belt at his hips.

“Gorgeous,” he whispered, and Kaneki shuddered, his hands tightening in his hair, his legs coming up to encircle his waist.

“You’re calling a prostitute gorgeous.”

Hide nipped at his shoulder, making him produce a low strangled sound in his throat. It sent a thrill through him. He tasted enticing.

“I’m calling _you_ gorgeous,” he responded, continuing with his slow, reverent exploration. He ran his lips down his chest gently, some of the wounds too fresh to frustrate. Too fresh to be thinking about.

 “I’m a prostitute.” He still sounded ragged.

 You’re the love of my life.

“You’re _so beautiful_ ,” Hide whispered fervently into the small curve of his stomach. He felt Kaneki’s sharp intake of air, his hands falling lax in his hair.

“You’re so good Kaneki. So _good._ Beautiful, you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” he continued ardently, a small sense of satisfaction going through him at the realization that he could say this. He was allowed to say this.

He needed to say this.

“You’re amazing. I…”

He couldn’t- he shouldn’t say that.

“ _Hide-”_ His voice cracked.

Hide didn’t waste any time clambering up to Kaneki and pulling him into his arms.

“Hide,” Kaneki repeated his voice heavy with tears, his arms thrown around his neck. Hide lifted his hand to his hair, kissing his neck.

“I love you _so much_ Kaneki, I’m sorry.”

Kaneki buried his face in Hide’s neck, dampening his skin.

“Hide, _Hide_ , I don’t want you to hate me.” His shoulders were shaking and Hide felt a little choked up because he was the worst person for making Kaneki cry. He was the worst person for making him think he hated him.

“I can never hate you, Kaneki,” he whispered, stroking small circles on the small of Kaneki’s back, purposefully avoiding the space he knew the lash marks were healing.

“Your parents-”

“Kaneki, how could you think that was your fault?”

Kaneki lifted his head to look at Hide, his eyes red, face tear-stained.

“Because the killer was after me.”


	22. Every little sin made a mark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yeah, Jason.” His voice sounded rough, croaky. Probably from crying.
> 
> He cleared his throat.
> 
> “Did you know he tortured me when I was thirteen?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and for all the support I've gotten so far!   
> Hope you enjoy the update!

“You know who killed them?” He asked slowly, his hands tightening around him. Kaneki nodded slowly, his face pressed into his neck. He continued to run slow soothing circles into his skin, his mind racing.

“It’s okay- it’s- we can figure this out Kaneki,” Hide mumbled, pressing a kiss to his head. He felt like he was convincing himself along with Kaneki.

He felt lost, like he had been getting somewhere, like he’d been pulling his life back together- pulling himself together- only to find out that it didn’t matter. He felt like he was being pulled apart by the seams but he couldn’t let that happen because he needed to help Kaneki.

He needed to fix this mess with Kaneki.

No amount of empty kissing or sex could fix what they’d ruined. Kaneki had brought danger but Hide had readily embraced it, he had known the implications. Hide had read the file and Hide had known that Kaneki had been involved in crimes in the past.

But Hide had broken Kaneki’s hard-earned trust. He’d hurt him too much. He’d broken him again and again, and he had Kaneki in his arms sobbing like he’d never be able to stop.

“I’m so scared Hide.”

He clung tighter. Kaneki Ken was scared. Kaneki Ken was shaking in his arms and crying.

The rain seemed to pound against the window with more fervour, almost as if it was trying to reassure them. Pathetic fallacy, reflecting their mood but providing them comfort. There was a world outside this room but right now it was only them, and nothing except the moonlight could get in these four walls. Two heart beats beating together, they were safe.

“I’m here for you.” In place of an ‘I love you.’

There was silence, almost as if Kaneki was soaking in his words, his sobs calming a little, his grip around him loosening.

“Yamori, Jason, that’s his name,” Kaneki’s voice was still choked up, he cleared his throat. His tears were wet on his skin, Hide wanted to wipe them away but he didn’t want to let go. He wanted to keep the steady weight pressed against him until they both were a little more okay.

Would they ever be okay?

“The killer?”

Kaneki’s nod was jaunty followed by a sharp intake of breath.

“I’ve messed everything up-”

“It’s not your fault,” Hide broke him off before he could continue to follow that train of thought. He needed to clear that up now. He needed to help clear Kaneki’s conscience that may have resulted from his own lack of good judgement and hastily drawn conclusions.

Kaneki let out a short laugh, his breath tickling his shoulder.

“You don’t believe that for a second.”

His heart sank.

“I didn’t before but I was wrong.” He paused trying to weigh his words carefully. “I guess I was in a state of grief, and I just wanted to blame everything on someone else, and you were easiest to blame. It justifies nothing I know. I wanted to not take responsibility; I wanted to save myself the acceptance stage. I love you so much and I was just reminded of all these things that told me that bringing you into my life would have been bad-”

Kaneki started to pull back; he pulled him closer, surprised at how easily and quickly Kaneki complied.

“Listen- It wasn’t bad. It was my best decision Kaneki, Kaneki- _I love you_ , and I was wrong. And I shouldn’t have looked at your past or I should have at least _told you_ when I did and I know I can’t get your trust. I’m sorry for hurting you at all. Words don’t fix anything I know. Honestly, _I know._ But I’m so sorry.” He was rambling now.

“I know you know,” Kaneki responded, his voice soft, laden with significance.

He pulled back to look at Hide, his eyes soft and sad, a small smile on his lips.

“I’m not used to apologies,” he said, lifting his hands to cup Hide’s face, his long lashes casting shadows across his cheeks.

Hide’s heart broke a little. He wanted to cry for Kaneki. He turned his head to kiss the palm of Kaneki’s hand instead.

“Don’t forgive me easily,” Hide told him quietly, tilting his head back to look Kaneki in the eye. The small smile didn’t leave Kaneki’s lips.

“I don’t think I can not forgive you.”

Hide opened his mouth to retort but Kaneki seemed to beat him to it, continuing hesitantly.

“I want to say… I want to say there’s nothing to forgive, but I feel like I’m above that now. I want you to know that people’s mistakes- I don’t usually see them as people’s mistakes. They’re my mistakes Hide. But I’m growing past that. And I do see your mistakes, and they hurt but I forgive you.”

It was so much from Kaneki, more than he deserved and Hide appreciated it so much. He wanted to articulate the tightening in his chest and how grateful he was. He wanted to tell Kaneki that he would have waited all his life for Kaneki’s forgiveness and he didn’t deserve this.

He didn’t say any of that though. He just nodded.

Kaneki stroked his cheekbones, the pads of fingers rough, warn, gentle. Hide nuzzled into them.

“I’m so glad.” He looked at Kaneki, all pale features, sad eyes and long lashes, coated in moonlight he glowed. Ethereal, his arms around him, and it felt like a dream. He smiled at him, unsure.

Kaneki smiled back, his eyes crinkling, stray tears trailing down his cheeks.

“I am too.”

 

* * *

“Do you still love me?” he asked, hoping he didn’t betray how hopelessly insecure he sounded. Hide looked up at him in surprise, like he’d asked him the most ridiculous question.

“Yeah, of course,” he replied easily, taking his hand in his own, and Kaneki deflated a little at that.

For some odd reason he felt uneasiness, like he couldn’t relax, like he shouldn’t be here and Hide didn’t trust him entirely. Like Hide still blamed him.

He knew- He _knew_ that it was all himself.

Time away from his aunt, time away from Touka and university and everyone who knew him had done him good.

He felt like he was thinking straight again. He was starting to differentiate between right and wrong more clearly. He was pulling himself out his slump, he was _forcing_ himself out of his slump.

Although it had hurt to breathe, although he’d missed Hide so much. He’d begun to fix himself.

He’d begun to resent his aunt; His mother; Most people he’d associated with, and maybe that wasn’t the best coping mechanism but he’d felt more whole than he had in too long.

“Did you notice me in university? Without you?” Hide asked, and Kaneki squirmed uneasily.

It had been hard not to notice him, his laugh had echoed in the hallways, his bright hair visible easily.

It was hard not to seek him out every time they were in vicinity of each other. He was sunshine in dark clothing and loud laughs, brown eyes flashing with intelligence and secrets. Everyone wanted to know, everyone wanted to be in his company, and he’d once been there. Maybe, maybe never again; and his breath would hitch painfully and he’d leave.

Taking a break from university had only been good for him.

“Yeah,” he said instead.

“I wore bright clothes cause they attract attention, get my social gears going and all that,” he laughed at his own joke like it was the funniest thing in the world and if Kaneki joined in it wasn’t because the joke was funny. It was nostalgia and maybe laughing together could transport them back to where they were, happier, and at ease. Maybe it was because Hide’s laughter was contagious. Maybe.

“Like a sunflower,” he murmured, and Hide grinned.

“Trying to find the sun,” Hide responded, his expression softening into a smile, eyes fond. Kaneki’s previous worries seemed to dissipate.

“How’d that go?”

Hide shuffled forward, pressing a kiss to his forehead. He started to pull back but Kaneki caught him, pressing their lips together. Hide let out a surprised laugh, kissing back.

“I stopped wearing them because I’d found my sun Kaneki,” he murmured. He could feel tears pricking his eyes, as soon as he processed his words, too easily emotional, too easily attached and too in love.

Maybe he wasn’t lost, unfounded in the world, maybe he was deeply rooted in Hide’s life as Hide was in his.

“You’re such a sap,” and Hide probably noticed that his voice cracked, but he didn’t say anything. He smiled against his mouth.

“Maybe, maybe I am.” 

* * *

“You know the killer-”

“Jason?” Hide asked, his tone hesitant, his voice low.

They’d heard Kimi and Nishiki entering the apartment a while back and had telepathically settled on keeping Kaneki’s presence on the down low. Now with Hide’s arm curled around his waist and his arm around his chest they lay tangled in a way that was too familiar. It was too easy returning to that familiarity, and he almost wanted to wrench himself away.

A part of him wanted him to suffer, continue to suffer, but another, newer part of him wanted to hurt Hide. Scream at Hide because this was his fault more than it was Kaneki’s. Hide had been the one to over step the line but why was it that Kaneki had ended up suffering so, so much.

Why did Hide have the support of all those people at university, Anteiku, Kimi, Nishiki, Touka and he was left with his weathered, macabre poetry and tears. Was it justified that he forgives Hide with all these facts laid out in front of him? Or was he jealous and tired and finally coming to the realization that once again he wasn’t completely alone and his self destructive tendencies were pushing at him to destroy the only thing working for him.

He didn’t want to dwell.

“Yeah, Jason.” His voice sounded rough, croaky. Probably from crying.

He cleared his throat.

“Did you know he tortured me when I was thirteen?”

Hide stiffened beneath him. He wasn’t sure what to make of that reaction, but he continued before he could stop himself.

“I was on a date with a girl, she liked the same books as me. Cliché, right? It was. It was too good to be true, I mean I was the quiet kid with one or two friends- I- I studied too much- read too much. But the girl- Rize, she was involved in some sort of child trafficking, gang business. I didn’t know what was happening- I just was sold you know.”

“I’m sorry,” Hide’s voice was soft, unsure, “You don’t have to talk about it, I’m really sorry.”

“Remember when I met you I _would_ _not_ talk. _I’m talking now_ ,” he says slowly, hoping that Hide would get it, hoping he’d understand why Kaneki finds it so important to do this right now.

“I’m listening.”

And a part of Kaneki could find solace in the fact that he did understand. Hide understood.

* * *

I wanted to bury myself, with your garden of twisted words and wilted roses, but you dug and dug and nothing was left except the ending you wanted so desperately. Maybe I was the selfish one, maybe I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help it. I can’t help it- never around you.

I’ll lie in the grave you dug, I’ll wait.

* * *

“I can’t remember how long I was there; it was really bad. I _know_ it was really bad.  Logically I know that… I’m just detached from it, like it happened to someone else.”

_His throat hurt so much, and all he could taste was blood. His vocal cords must be destroyed. Pain coated him like a second skin._

_He wanted to break down and sob, scream. He needed out, out. He didn’t know why he wasn’t dead. The days of starvation were better than this. Anything was better than this._

_But he couldn’t let himself break down, because Yamori gained only satisfaction from his pain. He couldn’t let him have that one thing._

_No._

_And suddenly He was there with his pristine suit and his thin sneer, the metal of his shoes hurt his eyes._

“I mean, you know that I was kidnapped and stuff,” he swallowed, trying to keep his voice from shaking, “You read the file. It’s hard to tell someone you love. It’s like I’m forcing it on yo-”

“You’re not.”

His reply was abrupt, sure, dismissing the notion. It soothed him.

He nodded slowly in response, his head on his chest, following the sound of his heartbeat trying to calm himself.

“When I was brought home, my aunt told me my mother was very sick, and it was my fault. She’d been paying for the treatment and I had to pay her back.”

_“You don’t know what I’ve been through because of you Ken!” she was screaming, crying. She’d thrown his books at him already, smashed his father’s watch and burst into tears._

_“I’ve had to pay for your mother’s treatment and she’s worked herself to the bone looking for you, you ungrateful bastard!”_

_Her tone was so venomous, her words should have hurt, but they bounced off him. His recovery from is own hell was ongoing and fifteen was such a painful age for him because he needed a little love. A little understanding and he didn’t question where the money from the government had gone or why his aunt has moved so abruptly._

_He stared at the remains of the watch and nodded in understanding, an integral part of him breaking along with it. (It felt like there was more of him in pieces than there was whole.)_

_“You wanted to run away from your responsibilities, getting kidnapped and I know what you’re trying to do by getting everyone’s pity.”_

_What was he doing?_

_She didn’t touch him but she might as well have been strangling him._

_“You’re not getting my pity, oh no! You’re going to pay back every penny, and you’re going to pay for your mother. I can’t let my son suffer because of an ungrateful brat like you!”_

_Her voice was nails on chalkboard and he wanted to cover his ears and disappear. He wanted to not be there._

_His mother’s sickness- his fault, his condition- his fault._

_“I want money by next week Ken or you’re on the streets.”_

_“Yes aunt.”_

_“Clean this shit up, and leave.”_

It hadn’t been his fault, it hadn’t, it hadn’t, it _hadn’t._

“I got a job, it just- it wasn’t enough money. I had to pay her back Hide- and food and my mother, it was hard… and I started to steal. I’m not proud of it, I was really desperate and working at Anteiku wasn’t enough,” his voice betrayed his desperation, the need to make Hide understand, not hate him.

He still was the insecure mess he had been before.

“You don’t need to feel guilty you know,” Hide said carefully hoisting himself up on his elbows, gently cupping his face in his hands.

“You couldn’t help it, you know that.”

Repetition; Get the message through.

He wanted to nod, but he was tired of lying. He didn’t know anything. He had accepted as something he couldn’t stop being guilty over. Not now anyway.

It was okay. It had been years but some wounds took longer to heal, some sins longer to erase.

“I still stole. It was necessary at the time. I wish I hadn’t.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Hide murmured, pressing a kiss to his nose. He scrunched it in response, startling a smile out of Hide.

He wished he could immortalise moments like these, fleeting- but in those few seconds he felt okay. More okay than he had in a while.

“I wish it were okay.”

Hide sighed, and he leaned his forehead against his, closing his eyes. He took a deep breath.

_It was guilt ridden adrenaline that got him through the days. School work, hospital visits, work and the ‘other job.’_

_His aunt was relentless in her insults, in her pressurising. Always money, always more money, and he had to pay other wise he would be on the streets._

_Where was the government money? Where was the leftover savings from their family bank account?_

_The floors of his aunt’s house looked glossier, the plates newer, the counter tops more embossed, and he withered away._

_Guilt, guilt, guilt, rivalled with fear, he was the last leaf on an autumn tree desperately clinging to his past self. Where he was more alive; where he could remember love._

“I joined the Ghouls, because it provided me with some sort of protection. I was always so scared Hide, he was always on the news. Nobody knew who he was, but I did and I was so scared to tell anyone-” he paused, trying to gather himself. He opened his eyes to find Hide staring at him intently.

“Yoshimura found out about the stealing, and he told me stop. And- I did. For a while. But I couldn’t find anything that would help with the pay. And Jason got closer- I heard news he was looking for the one that escaped.”

He dropped his head on Hide’s shoulder, and Hide didn’t miss a beat, wrapping his arms around him protectively.

“Fuck Hide, I was so scared. I was _so scared_.”

_“Ayato, leave through the back please! Please!” He was desperate, someone was smashing something against the door and he was so scared. He was terrified. But there was a kid here and he couldn’t let anything happen to Ayato._

_Ayato who looked at him in a trusting way, Ayato who talked to him about literature and TV shows._

_“Is someone in here?” he heard vague voices and fuck there couldn’t be more people here could there?_

_“Ayato, please leave!”_

_He was shaking; the effort of keeping his voice from cracking, from stopping the panic that threatened to bury him was immense._

_The door smashed open and he let out a loud yell and Ayato ran. His heart was thudding wildly in his chest as he steeled himself, grabbing a knife he had used not three hours ago to cut neat slices of cake._

_Remains of glass and wood decorated the floor and there was a crunch of heavy footsteps._

_“Ken.”_

_His stomach dropped at the familiar voice, and he wished it wasn’t so familiar._

_The same metal shoes, the spotless white suit and Yamori stood in front of him, like a nightmare come to life._

“Me being scared didn’t slow anything down, I got Ayato killed. Got Kimi’s parents killed. He thought I was probably dead too- in the fire- that is,” he had to stop himself from laughing bitterly, or maybe from sobbing. He couldn’t differentiate at that point.

“I went to jail for it Hide, but after two years I was cleared of all charges. Completely. Like magic. Not that the jail wasn’t fun, there was some shady shit happening there, the warden letting out prisoners for drugs. There was some inner corrupt system at work in there and- I couldn’t get involved, couldn’t stop it either, because- I was still scared.”

He waited for Hide to say something. He didn’t. He just made patterns with his fingers on his arm.

Hide was just listening.

“Yamori was supposedly imprisoned for life a week before I left. I was less scared after that, but when I came back my mother was worse…” he trailed off, pressing his lips together.

_“Ken, I understand your financial situation and there is only so much sympathy we can offer, even in your particular circumstances. If you don’t pay the hospital fees by the end of the week we won’t be able to treat your mother any longer.”_

_The machine had beeped steadily behind them and his aunt’s accusations running circles in his mind._

_“I understand.”_

“My aunt said she couldn’t keep me anymore, she’d wrung herself dry. I was desperate, didn’t have anywhere to sleep. She kicked me out the house, and I was on the streets-”

He took a deep breath.

“Did you?” Hide cut him off, looking slightly ill.

“No. I slept on a bench. I went back two days later, and she said she had a solution for my job problems. She set me up with some men… and, then- yeah, things went on from there, and- You know- the rest, I think,” he finished, trying to ignore the sick feeling that had settled over him.

Hide was pale, his lips pressed together in a thin line, his expression unusually severe.

“I love you so much you know.”

Kaneki’s eyes were burning.

“Do you?” he croaked.

Hide’s hand came to rest on the small of his back.

“I do. So much. So very, very much. I- You’ll be okay.”

He moved back, scanning Hide’s face, the moonlight setting him alight in a way that made his breath hitch.

“Who’ll make it okay?” he breathed.

Hide smiled, in the heart-wrenchingly familiar way. The same smile he’d dreamt off for the past lonely months. His secret smile.

“I’ll try my best to make it okay. But you will too.”

“We’ll make it okay?” He wanted to believe him.

“Yeah, we’ll make it okay.”

 

* * *

You set roses on my doorstep, thirteen, fifteen, and twenty one. The rain seemed to drown them but you told me to set them free in the river. Down, down, down they drown, and you told me that was breathing. Your finger’s were wrapped around my heart and your lips were on my skin, and you told me that was drowning.


	23. In love with a ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How long can we stay like this?” Kaneki asked him, his mouth pressed against his neck, his breath tickling his skin.
> 
> His eyes continued to trace the rays of sunlight filtering through the tree’s branches.
> 
> “I don’t know.”
> 
> It had been gentle, and muted, like they were these days, but he had heard it: “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for following this so far  
> I hope you enjoy!  
> Have an amazing festive season!

There were looks when Hide and Kaneki started sitting together in university again. The looks were to be expected, Hide had actively presumed that it would happen, but there was more. There were whispers of odd rumours; that Kaneki was forcing him, holding Hide hostage in some way, blackmailing him; Rumours that he did his best to quash because they were absolutely ridiculous.

He seemed an internal optimist, sunny, bright smiles and laughter- couldn’t take himself too seriously. Actively trying to look for the best in people.

He was finding that harder and harder, his optimism dampened by how unconsciously _cruel_ everyone could be. How they could snicker and talk, whispering and laughing about something that didn’t affect them at all.

Making jokes about someone else’s life- and it was easy. It was seamless and it didn’t hold repercussions because everyone was doing it. When it came to someone like Kaneki, mostly invisible, treading lightly, and not leaving marks, not a trace, did that even leave him a person to them? People were cruel, but they couldn’t be cruel to ghosts.

_Hide looks like he’s in pain talking to him._

_Look at him stare at Hide like he’s a piece of meat._

_I heard that he killed Hake._

_Is Hide joining his Ghoul’s thing too? He seemed like a good guy, I didn’t see that coming._

They talked, talked, _talked,_ and the world spun and they kept talking, because these were the real interesting conversations. These were what _mattered._

And the ghosts didn’t.

The worst part was when Kaneki seemed to start to listen.

The scared, guilty look he’d get on his face when he’d pull away from Hide when he tried to hold his hand. Or sometimes stop mid-sentence if they passed someone in a corridor. He’d shrink back into himself, his snowy hair in front of his eyes, shoulders curved inwards and he’d try to disappear.

The ghosts didn’t matter, and maybe Kaneki didn’t want to matter.

He talked to several people; with a smile on his face of course; two of his clubs in their entirety to shoot down their unfounded claims regarding his and Kaneki’s situation. They laughed about the situation and he quietly revelled in the embarrassment and guilt on their faces.

It made his blood boil every time he saw someone laughing at them- looking at them oddly.

He was doing his best to not make Kaneki aware of any of this.

He did his best to make him smile, and he did his best to mend what they had left of them.

A week of steady reconciliation was passing they were returning to their previous state of domesticity and comfort. It seemed that after opening up, discussing their own flaws and all the problems they had faced together so far had just served to bring them closer together rather than push them apart.

Kaneki was wary, and he was scared. Both were justified in their own right but it still hurt. It hurt to see what was perfect before now imperfect.

But sometimes he’d catch Kaneki smiling without any prompting, and sometimes he’d hum to himself while making them coffee.

Nishiki had slumped onto Kimi with relief when they’d returned to the apartment to find Hide’s head on Kaneki’s lap, the two of them watching crappy early morning TV. There had been a lot of explaining to do, their words sugar coated but the basic understanding of their current situation was obvious.

Boyfriends. Lovers. Whatever.

They were what they were, trampled, twisted and still blooming. They were healing.

Their mental and physical wounds were healing, albeit slowly but they were healing.

“How long can we stay like this?” Kaneki asked him, his mouth pressed against his neck, his breath tickling his skin.

His eyes continued to trace the rays of sunlight filtering through the tree’s branches.

“I don’t know.”

It had been gentle, and muted, like they were these days, but he had heard it: “Okay.”

* * *

_Darling, I just don’t want them to see, and I don’t want you to be me. Your finger tips are warm and I’m always cold, I’m so cold._

_Darling, they smile as if they know us but our words aren't loud and your smile is for me and just for me, and I don't smile darling. I don't smile for anyone but you. I know you're hurting but I'm sinking and my nails are scraping._

_Darling they're broken and covered in dirt. Don't hold my hand, don't get your hands dirty._

_It's my fault, I shouldn't have dug so hard._

_Darling, I’m trying to tread lightly, and I’m leaving roses and lilies but you’re trailing forget-me-nots, and darling I can’t step there because I don’t want them to see._

* * *

“Move in with me,” Hide said, as Kaneki’s fingers wove their way through his hair. He hadn’t dyed it in a while. Maybe he shouldn’t, it would remind him too much of how his parents had disapproved and then slowly fallen in love with it, bad roots and all.

His hand stilled, and Hide opened his eyes to find Kaneki looking at him.

“Will be the same as before?” he asked quietly, the hope obvious on his face. He could say yes. He could make this easy.

He couldn’t though.

He would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it. Their relationship wasn’t the same. It wasn’t as… easy-going, it wasn’t simple, it consisted of betrayal and hurt and trust and love. It was a healing oxymoron. There were bumps but instead of avoiding them they were facing them. They were more open and honest. It felt like the honey moon period of their relationship had ended abruptly and they were constantly aware of the threat of danger. The threat of tragedy.

But they were stronger.

They were learning to trust each other more, they were learning to love and relearning to love- and it was too easy to love Kaneki- after all he had never stopped after all.

It was too easy to be used to his constant presence and soft smiles, and spidery writing on post-it notes stuck to random places.

It wasn’t just soft, it was electric, and it was warm. He found himself taut around Kaneki, stretched out ready to snap. The urge to touch, the sexual tension was fierce and maybe they’d been gentle and chaste, but now their kisses turned heated, hands roamed freely and maybe that was a perk of the honesty.

But he wasn’t sure if they had started over or catapulted forward from where they had left off.

“I don’t think so,” he said, and he didn’t miss Kaneki’s lips turning down in poorly hidden disappointment.

He licked his lips before continuing, shifting on his knee.

“I think we’re better, it’ll be better too.”

“You’re a dork,” was all Kaneki said, his eyes crinkling.

He smiled, taking it as a yes.

* * *

_Maybe I was wrong and the butterflies weren’t beauty, they were suffocating me. Maybe you were right and the stains on the wall were my fingertips trailing to the dirty floor. The overflowing sink and the broken windows. Our garden full of thorns and-_

_Maybe I just wanted to suffocate in you._

_And-_

_You didn’t want to._

* * *

 

“Has your aunt tried contacting you?” Hide asked, folding Kaneki’s shirt and handing it to him, for him to place neatly in the shelf.

Kaneki’s lips pressed together, his expression unwavering.

“I’ve blocked her number,” he said easily, as if he had just commented on the rain outside. Not pushed his abuser, a constant presence out of his life.

He couldn’t hold back his grin.

He couldn’t stop himself from throwing his arms around Kaneki and throwing his weight on him either. Kaneki let out what could only be described as an undignified yelp before colliding with the floor. He started to laugh, Hide joining in, and pulled him closer.

When their faces were red and they were tangled together, Hide pressed a kiss to his jaw, “I’m really glad.”

Kaneki’s answering smile was brilliant, his eyes bright, liquid silver.

“I’m glad too Hide.”

It was a big thing for him, Hide knew. Like cutting off an arm or a leg, but he supposed in some cases it was necessary. And it had been.

Hide knew that Kaneki didn’t have family, he knew his mother was dying and Kaneki had hoped for something from his aunt.

And maybe he’d stopped hoping and had accepted her words as they were, but he was free now. He was free.

And he was elated, and Kaneki was pleased too, his eyes staring at him fondly, and his cheeks still flushed from laughter and his lips.

His eyes flicked to Kaneki’s lips and Kaneki smiled at him, running his tongue over them, and shit. He moved closer, Kaneki’s eyes started to flutter shut and-

“Oh my God Kimi, they’re fucking on the floor,” Nishiki cried, and Hide pulled back and Kaneki bumped his head on the ground in surprise. Nishiki was standing in their doorway, a pile of towels in his hands.

There was a beat of silence before Hide burst out laughing at the disgusted exclamation, as Kaneki pushed at him, his face turning red.

“No, no. no, no!” Kaneki said, shaking his head in embarrassment, and Hide continued to giggle, his stomach hurting, as Kaneki struggled to untangle them. “We were not Nishiki san!”

Kimi appeared at their door, standing beside Nishiki, her lips stretched into a smile.

“God, this is so cute,” she nudged Nishiki and his mouth twitched. By this point Hide was tearing up and Kaneki looked mortified.

He groaned, flopping beneath Hide and covered his face.

“We’re not,” he whined, and Hide bit his lip, sitting up. His shoulders were still shaking with silent laughter.

“We totally were.”

They weren’t.

“We were not!”

“Oh my God, they’re actual fucking children,” Nishiki ground out, running his hand through his hair. Kimi was giggling along with Hide.

“I can’t believe you’re a father of two Nishiki,” Hide contributed, his smile wicked.

“Fuck, please no, my hair’s turning grey, soon I’ll be snowball.”

“Hey!”

* * *

“Fuck,” his hands were in his hair, his mouth hot and insistent on his throat, and if Kaneki had any self-control he would have pushed him off _. If._

But instead he had no self control and did have his fist in his mouth to muffle his groans. He could feel Hide’s smile against his neck, the little shit, and his hands splayed against his hip were searing hot through the thin material of his waiter’s pants. Fuck.

Hide’s leg snaked between his thighs, nudging his legs apart and he bit down harder.

Fuck Hide. He was so far gone.

“We- we need to stop,” he managed, just as Hide popped open his top button. His smile was sinful as he pulled back to run his dark eyes over him.

“Okay,” he said, far too composed for someone who had just been feverishly kissing their partner in a store room, finger toying with his collar. The smile was still there, and Kaneki shivered.

“You nearly got me fired,” he managed, licking his lips. Hide’s eyes followed his movement and he could feel himself flush. The air between them was electric.

“It _was_ your break,” Hide said airily, buttoning him up, his hands lingering.

He could hear Touka taking orders from the front. He could hear the small beeps of the fridges from the back room and he could hear voices from the staff room. He could hear the bell from the front door and the soft murmur of voices from the customers.

He could hear Hide’s heaving breathing. He could smell his shower gel and deodorant. He could still taste the mint from his toothpaste.

He bit his lips. He wanted to kiss him.

“Someone could have walked in.”

His hands were twitching with need. He wanted them in his hair, on his skin.

“Maybe, you’d have been into that.” His cheeks grew uncomfortably hot, as he stared at Hide wide-eyed.

“In your dreams you perv,” he countered, and Hide grinned.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” he admitted easily.

Hide was going to be the death of him.

Kaneki dragged his hands down his face groaning in frustration, making Hide laugh.

“I swear to God if I open the door and you guys are fucking, I’ll kill both of you,” Touka growled, nudging the door open slowly. Hide snorted at her hesitation and eyed Kaneki. He swallowed, hoping he didn’t look as wrecked as he felt.

She turned to face them, scowling.

“Jesus Christ. Get a room.”

“We’re not fucking though,” Hide declared, making his way towards her, spring in his step. The marks on his neck begged to differ but he kept his mouth shut. He watched Touka eye them wryly.

She shoved him and he laughed, Kaneki watched from a distance, unconsciously tugging at his hair.

“Eye-fucking each other then,” she said shooting Kaneki a look devoid of heat.

“God Hide you’re so clingy!” she exclaimed, as Hide wrapped her in a bear hug.

“I’m just happy,” he said pressing his cheek against hers, and her eyes softened.

“Thank fuck.”

Kaneki smiled, averting his eyes, feeling light.

* * *

 

_She's breathless smiles and orchids and it rained and she never smiled again._

_You're amber eyed and sunshine and she smiles and smiles, and it feels like I can fly._

* * *

 

“Hey, watch where the fuck you’re going!”

Hide jumped, turning hurriedly as some kid in ratty coat elbowed him aside.

“Uh sorry, but you know this place is closing right?”

The sky was overcast, they were lucky it hadn’t rained so far but there was an air of waiting. It seemed as if the sky would open up at any moment and let the heavens pour buckets. Hide for once was ready, bright yellow umbrella in hand he was waiting for Kaneki to lock up and bring the last bag of his belongings from the café.

After leaving his aunt he’d moved to Anteiku with the manager’s permission, using one of the upper spare rooms as his own and paid through extra hour shifts. He’d also taken Yomo with him to get his belongings from his aunt’s house and bring them back.

He didn’t say much more on the affair.

The ratty kid with the large hood ignored him, pushing the door open and barging inside. For a moment something sharp flashed in Hide’s memory and it was almost as if he _knew_ the person.

He went to grab him but the kid had already disappeared into the café. Hide followed him inside hesitantly, stopping at the scene as the door clicked shut behind him.

Kaneki’s bag was on the ground at his feet, shirts and books spilling out and Kaneki was staring shell-shocked. He followed his line of gaze and it was the kid from earlier, lounging on one of the chairs.

“Kaneki?”

Kaneki turned to him, pale, his mouth opening and closing. He shot another look at the kid, unable to see his face due to the hood and walked to Kaneki to grab his shoulders. He shook him a little.

“Kaneki? What’s wrong?” Kaneki wasn’t looking at him, his eyes were tearing up. His heart was beating fast.

He looked back again, trying to understand, trying to solve the mystery, and his eyes met stormy blue ones. His breath caught, his hands falling from Kaneki’s shoulders.

“Ayato.”

 

* * *

 

“Don’t you fucking tell her right now,” he said, cupping the warm cup of coffee in his hands. “ _We_ need to talk first.”

Hide and Kaneki’s eyes were trained on him. He felt as if he looked away he’d disappear. He’d turn to ash and he’d hear those cries for months and months.

Dreamt of the embers rising from the building, images of mangled unidentifiable corpses and Touka’s heart-broken face.

The screaming and the police cars, and Yamori’s voice near his ear.

_His entire fault._

“Ayato, we thought you were dead,” he managed, sounding choked up. He cleared his throat. Ayato flinched, picking up his coffee and taking a sip.

“We thought those were your _ashes_ in the fire,” He continued, his tone feverish, his breath hitching painfully at the memory, at the white hot burn of the fire. The sound of screaming that he had been so sure was Ayato echoed hollowly in his skull. He could feel the steady weight of Hide’s hand over his own.

“You were _twelve_ Ayato, and we thought you were _dead.”_ He could feel the tears spilling. Two drops on the table, four absorbed in the fabric of his sweater. Hide’s hand squeezed his and Ayato’s lips thinned.

“I joined Aogiri.”

He froze. Ayato eyed him warily, and he felt a little like he was floating. The ticking of the clock unbearably loud; his heartbeat thunderous.

“Why?” Hide asked, predominantly more composed then him.

“Someone had- _has_ a great interest in this shop. In the people that work here, the fucking ‘Ghouls’” he spat the word, and his eyes seemed to harden, “And Jason has _quite_ a sick fucking fascination with you.” He pointed at Kaneki with his chin.

_He felt sick._

All the previous ecstasy of the good day disappeared, anxiety replacing it, clawing its way up his throat. He was going to get him again. Yamori was going to find him, and he was going to-

“Why are you here then?” Hide asked, his grip on Kaneki’s hand tightening, and he was grateful. It was an anchor. He was here. He was fine.

Yamori wasn’t- he-

He swallowed.

Yamori wasn’t here.

Ayato’s lips quirked upwards and for the first time he looked fifteen, “I’m here to help you stop Aogiri.”

* * *

“Nagachika-kun, I see you’ve brought a friend?” Amon said pleasantly, eyeing Kaneki, recognition clear on his face. He wasn’t the best at hiding his emotions, and the suspicion on his face confirmed Hide’s fears.

Kaneki was still on the suspect list it seemed.

Hide took a deep breath, squeezed Kaneki’s hand.

That wasn’t a problem; it would be cleared up soon enough.

Kaneki squeezed back.

He smiled, sunny, bright, his dimple popping in that cleverly innocent way.

“Yeah! This is Kaneki Ken, my boyfriend!” He unlinked their hands and threw his arm around Kaneki, pulling him closer. Kaneki was rigid against him, tension leaking off him.

Amon’s eyes widened, and Hide struggled not to smile. Surprise? Panic? Worry? He seemed to recover himself quickly.

“Hello, Kaneki-kun.” He nodded politely, and Kaneki nodded back, if a bit jauntily.

“So Nagachika-kun, I hope you realise that you can’t just let your boyfriend into the work place, it’s agains-”

“He’s here as a witness to our joint case,” Hide interrupted, smile still playing on his lips. Kaneki’s eyes were on him. “I’d also like to accept director Washuu’s request for a meeting. I hope he won’t mind Kaneki’s company too greatly though, after all he does have vital information and I’d like him to be protected.”

A soft huff left Kaneki, and he smirked.

“You’re acting as Kaneki Ken’s protection?” Amon looked him up from down frowning. Obviously there was an anonymous agreement amongst everyone that Hide was too lanky and weak to protect anything, and his training hadn’t done shit, but Hide tried to not feel too offended by that, focusing on the fact that Amon had completely side-tracked his original points.

Was he avoiding them, or trying to process them?

Either way, he was here to turn things around, he was here to get Yamori imprisoned for life, or better yet killed. He felt nothing but anger, bubbling underneath his skin at the mere thought of the man. He felt no pity, and jail seemed too good for him. He’d decided when Kaneki had told him what he had done to him that he hated that man. He wanted that man dead.

And even if he had to dirty his hands to do it-

“I am. I’m also sure I can manage-” he pulled back a chair, grandly gesturing for Kaneki to take a seat. “I’m sure Akira-san would _love_ to hear what Kaneki has to say though, we should call her in too.”

Amon eyed him warily, pulling out his phone and turning his back to the two of them. His soft murmuring joined the ringing of the rain against the glass.

Kaneki sat down; his shoulders pulled back, his mouth pressed into a firm line. He stared straight ahead, facing Amon as he turned back to them grimly. He nodded, “She’s coming. I’ve also asked her to inform Director Washuu.”

“Thank you.”

They slid into an uneasy silence, Kaneki still as a statue- Michelangelo’s David. Beautiful.

He glanced up at Hide- his eyes steely, and Hide couldn’t help but smile back at him. Possessive pride that Kaneki was doing this. That he was so strong doing this.

The same expression he had seen on his face when they’d first met. The same beautiful eyes, the same beautiful man.

But this time he was his.

This time they were setting things right.


	24. I've been faithful wanting to watch you grow into yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ah, Tsukiyama-san, this is Hide,” Kaneki smiled at him uncertainly and Hide put on his brightest smile, turning to Tsukiyama.
> 
> “Hey! Nice to meet you,” he held out his hand, which was grasped firmly, Tsukiyama’s fingers cold against his.
> 
> “The pleasure is all mine, Hide-kun,” he smiled and it was all teeth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the slow updates!! OTL  
> Thank you so much for following it so far!  
> I'm trying my best to work on this- dw I will be finishing it!  
> Hope you enjoy the update! (‘∀’●)♡

 

It didn’t feel right, sitting across from Akira and Amon, their eyes drilling into him as they patiently waited for Director Washuu’s response.

His hand was linked with Kaneki’s under the table and the rain outside had slowed down. Akira had shot one look in Kaneki’s direction before her face had gone blank, devoid of emotion, her expression more closed off than it usually was. She had barely acknowledged Hide’s greeting and slid into her seat, pulling out files and papers with business-like curtness.

Amon hadn’t commented at all, his eyes on the wall behind Kaneki.

Kaneki squeezed his hand, shooting him a look, and Hide knew how grave the whole situation was. He knew what they were about to do was essentially going to make or break their plan- and potentially put a dozen people at risk.

Hopefully Director Washuu would be here soon and the debriefing could begin.

“He says he will join us after the case evidence has been provided,” Akira said, causing Hide to finally zone back into reality and out of his worried, frenzied state.

He pursed his lips.

“If we start the debriefing now then we’ll just be repeating the evidence for him. That could be inconvenient for you and Mado-san.”

“That’s perfectly acceptable Nagachika-kun,” Amon said, shooting a sideways glance at Akira, who sat across from them looking ready to pounce.

“What is it that you would be providing evidence for?”

Kaneki took in a shaky breath, his hand tightening against his painfully. Hide smiled at him, and Kaneki smiled back, his expression tight and worried. He took another breath, collecting himself.

His gaze became all steel, and Hide bit his lip.

“I’d like you to reopen my case and have my kidnapper caught. I’d also like to reveal the current killer’s identity.”

Their reactions were instantaneous. Amon sucked in a sharp breath, his eyes widening. Akira’s hand twisted into a fist, his mouth thinning into a firm line.

“Continue,” she said.

* * *

“I have no idea, how you can just prance back in here and order us to basically hand over our whole organisation to the CCG,” Kaneki said exasperatedly.

Hide was perched on the kitchen counter watching him shift his weight from one foot to another.

Ayato was drinking apple juice sat at the small island in the middle of the kitchen.

He slurped noisily.

“I technically did.”

Hide pretended to cough to cover up his laugh. Kaneki glared at him, his expression screaming ‘ _Really?!’_

He raised his eyebrows innocently, shrugging. Kaneki puffed out his cheeks in indignation.

“We can’t make these decisions alone. We’ll have to discuss this with everyone… and that includes-”

“Touka?” He was scarily calm for a sixteen year-old who had his life ripped away for some undisclosed reason. A sixteen year-old with unrealistic demands that is.

“Yes,” Kaneki concluded, his mouth setting in a hard line. Ayato shrugged, averting his gaze and continued to drink his juice. Kaneki in response looked ready to rip out his hair.

“Do you have any plans? Any idea other than this suicide mission?” Hide asked, his mouth curling at Ayato’s obvious surliness.

“I ran away from a rogue organisation which will kill me if I don’t do anything, you tell me.”

That was the eerie calm back again, and Kaneki started to pace again, muttering under his breath. Hide licked his lips nervously, trying to think.

They had to protect Ayato. They had to get the Ghouls under the protection of the CCG and they had to somehow get Yamori out of the picture as well as pull down the growing threat that was Aogiri.

They knew there was a general fascination with that Yamori had with Kaneki, and there was the fascination the Aogiri organization had with the Ghouls. They just needed to see the correlating factor, make a plan solid enough that the CCG wouldn’t prosecute a group of vigilantes and they needed to _think._

Simple.

Kaneki was tugging at his hair and Hide side-stepped in front of him to stop him. In whatever daze he’d been in, he pillowed head-first into Hide, startling at the light collision.

Hide gingerly clasped his hands in his, smiling gently.

“It’s okay. We can work this out,” he said softly, noting how Kaneki’s eyes were wild with panic. He stared at Hide, his expressions confused.

He stared at their linked hands.

Hide squeezed them reassuringly, trying his best to ground him.

Kaneki nodded slowly.

He wasn’t convinced. Hide couldn’t blame him. His words had been empty reassurance. They could do it, but could they really? Could they manage to pull off this _suicide mission_ on what Ayato had instructed.

Could they?

He pressed a soft kiss to Kaneki’s forehead, making him sigh again.

He melted against him, his arms looping around his neck. Hide pulled him closer, fingers skimming his spine through the fabric of his sweater.

“It’ll be okay.”

Ayato slurped noisily, and shot Hide a glare. He grinned in response, wiggling his eyebrows.

The loud thud of the front door slamming open resounded through the house and Kaneki stiffened in his arms.

Shit.

Ayato was here, and Nishiki and Kimi knew who he was and they hadn’t planned this far ahead. Ayato blanked out staring at them panicked, his eyes conveying his betrayal. They’d reassured him that they would be alone for a few hours yet.

“We’re home!” Kimi shouted, turning the small corner from their entry-way to enter their kitchen. She was smiling, shopping bags in her hand and then her eyes landed on Ayato.

Her reaction was instantaneous.

She slapped her hand to her mouth, a small surprised sound escaping  her. Nishiki wasn’t far behind her, pausing at the sight of the smaller boy.

Ayato slurped his juice,seemingly uncaring. He crumpled the small box and tossed it at Kaneki.

Kaneki fumbled with it before it fell to the ground.

Hide wasn’t sure if he felt elated at the recent development of Kimi and Nishiki’s appearance, or scared. He decided he was toeing the fine line between the two.

“I hope to fuck there’s an explanation,” Nishiki said finally, breaking the awkward silence as Kaneki finally managed to dispose of the lone juice carton.

Ayato yawned in response.

“Tomorrow,” Hide said, eyeing Ayato,“It’s late, and Ayato needs sleep. We can talk tomorrow.”

* * *

Kaneki’s face was nestled into his neck, their legs tangled together.

The rain was inconsistent in its approach, falling in short unexpected spurts, tapping noisily against the window.

The sheets were snared around their feet, having been kicked off as soon as they fell together, their hands finding each other. Reassurance from the skin on skin contact.

Hide lazily ran his finger over the bumps of his spine, and Kaneki moved a little, settling more comfortably against him and letting out a small satisfied sigh. He could smell his shampoo from his position, the sweat that clung to sheets and the soft smell of petrichor that crept in through the open crack of the window.

“What are we going to do?” Kaneki mumbled, his breath tickling his neck.

Hide pressed his lips to his hair, and rested his face there. Thinking. Debating what to say.

“We’re going to talk to Nishiki and Kimi. Then we’re going to talk to the manager... We’ll make a plan. We'll be fine.” His voice wavered slightly, but there was no hint of uncertainty; in this moment, where he felt he was closer to Kaneki than he had been before, he felt sure. Steady and firm in what he was saying.

He believed his own words.

They would be fine.

“We will be fine,” Kaneki repeated, pressing a soft kiss to his jaw. He laughed in response.

“You’ll be there.”

“Of course I will.”

“Then it _will_ be fine.”

He laughed. 

* * *

 

“You’re not my fucking mom, lay off it,” Ayato growled, pushing back the glass of milk Kaneki had placed in front of him. A flash of hurt crossed his expression, before he smiled, nodding understandingly as he turned his back to him and returned to making the omelette.

That’s how Hide found them, covering a yawn with his hand and stretching.

He walked into the kitchen, smacking Ayato lightly.

“Be polite,” he chastised, making his way towards Kaneki.

Ayato spluttered, “Shut the fuck up, asshole.”

“Language,” Hide and Kaneki droned, and Ayato gagged.

“You’re _that_ couple,” he groaned, reaching for the glass of milk he’d vehemently rejected a few seconds ago. Hide could see Kaneki’s small smile from the corner of his eye before he turned to him, resolutely ignoring Ayato.

“Good morning Ken,” he pressed his lips to Kaneki’s cheek, watching the flush creep up his neck.

Kaneki flipped the omelette and took the pan off the heat, pulling a plate from the cupboard. Hide smiled.

“We are so in sync Ayato that we even say the same things, can you believe it?” Hide asked, a teasing smile on his lips as he slid his arms around Kaneki. Kaneki froze, shooting him a look that he could only interpret as embarrassed fondness.

“Do you still jack off to bad hentai?”

Hide spluttered, and Kaneki bit his lip to stop himself from cracking a smile.

“I did not do any such thing!”

“I was like four Hide, I wasn’t stupid, man,” Ayato continued, helping himself to omelette as soon as it was on the table. Hide groaned, resting his head against Kaneki’s shoulder. Kaneki pulled out his phone, the screen alight with multiple notifications.

“I didn’t- tell him to shut up Ken,” he groaned. Kaneki hummed in response, almost unconsciously patting Hide on the head. “Eat,” he said in lieu of answering, tapping away at his phone. Hide started transferring omelette to his plate, watching Kaneki bite his lip. He tugged at it, than ran his tongue over it, letting out a small breath of air.

It was as if he didn’t even know what he was doing. His heart stuttered at the thought.

Kaneki let out another breath of air, his lips turning downwards.

Hide recognised that look.

“Did you message her?” he asked, pulling Kaneki down, across from him on the small table. Ayato eyed them, chewing silently.

“I messaged the manager, he’s asking if we’re okay meeting at eleven tonight? I said I’d talk to Kimi-san and Nishiki-senpai and get back to him-”

“I’m not your senpai- you need to stop,” Nishiki growled, entering the kitchen with the worst bed-head Hide had ever seen on the man. Kaneki opened his mouth to respond but Hide bet him to it.

“Senpai, Kaneki was being polite, don’t hurt my pumpkin tart,” he said in the most serious tone of voice he could maintain.

“ _Shut up,_ Hide.”

* * *

 

“So we have to take down Aogiri, before they infiltrate Anteiku, or Jason goes rampant looking for Ken and kills him? And the only way to do that, in your _professional_ opinion is to join the CCG?” Kimi asked, sipping her tea, looking perfectly serene in the tense atmosphere.

“But why does Aogiri see Anteiku as a threat?” Hide asked, turning to Ayato, who was sitting on the kitchen counter, bracing himself against the marble.

He sighed.

“When the fire happened- in Anteiku- When Jason came to reclaim Kaneki, his- whatever, someone started a fire,” he said, lifting his hand to examine his nails. He flicked a bit of dirt out from underneath one, looking the perfect picture of nonchalance.

Hide knew better.

“There was a girl, she told me she knew about the Ghouls, and she said there were a lot of things I couldn’t trust in this world. The Ghouls, had Touka- and she said if she had the power to burn the place to the ground, then she had the power to-” he lowered his hand and raised his eyes to look at them, his eyes moving over all of them, finally coming to rest on Kaneki, who looked unnervingly pale.

“Basically- she blames the Ghouls for something and _she’s_ the leader of Aogiri- She wants to get rid of them. And she wants to do it now.”

“But why now?” Kaneki asked, his voice hushed. This was the first time he’d spoken throughout Ayato’s lengthy explanation.

Ayato’s expression hardened, and he swung his legs.

“It may be that the Ghoul’s were gaining too much power. There was a general unrest over the fact that some of you managed to stop Jason from his killings. There was also the 20th ward incident where Kaneki stopped one of our raids. The weapon smuggling incident that the Ghoul’s were rumoured to stop was also a direct hit to Aogiri’s resources,” Ayato was counting on his fingers, and Hide noticed how rough they looked. Too rough for a sixteen year old.

He was supposed to be in high school right now, Hide realised with a pang.

He’s supposed to be complaining about girlfriends and part-time jobs and homework. He shouldn’t be discussing sabotaged raids and gang wars. He was supposed to be living a life with his sister with soft hands and the same anger but soft eyes.

“That does seem likely, so the failed missions caused Jason to go loco?” Nishiki asked, massaging Kimi’s arm reassuringly, as she melted into his touch. He was being uncharacteristically gentle, even with Ayato.

“He saw Kaneki’s face in our intel-” Kaneki’s hand tightened in his, his lips pressed into a thin line. Hide could feel the fear radiating off him.

“So Jason’s been killing all these people as a way to get to Kaneki?” Hide asked, his heart twisting with his words as he struggled to keep his voice steady.

This time Kaneki squeezed his hand, bumping his ankle against his. Hide shot him a small smile.

“There was a weapon smuggling rink started in the Fuchu prison, basically that’s where Jason was held when he finally got detained, but the prison was lax enough to allow a full on gang to form, and the guards were easily bribed and he built his own empire there,” Ayato picked up the salt shaker, toying with it uneasily.

“I remember that, there was some sort of drug smuggling happening too,” Kaneki said casually. Hide entwined their ankles.

“He built it on that, the prison was comfortable enough to be considered a base and basically the murders he continued with was previous trafficking deals gone wrong and it was revenge killing. Then it was just killing.”  
He looked at Hide, then back at Kaneki.

“Then it was you.”

Kaneki hummed, nodding, for once looking at ease with the information.

“So is Jason part of the Aogiri or a separate actor?”

Ayato shrugged.

“Honestly, it's anyone’s guess. He defies the leadership enough to not be in it but yeah he is I think.”

There was silence as they mulled over the facts of what had been revealed. Ayato continued toying with the salt shaker. Hide couldn’t take his eyes off him.

“Why did you join?” he asked softly, his thoughts unable to comprehend why Ayato would have subjected himself to that.

His mind was screaming the answer at him before Ayato even opened his mouth to tell him to fuck off.

Touka, his eyes screamed.

To protect Touka.

_I needed to protect Touka._

“Mind your business and fuck off.”

* * *

 

“I’m nervous enough for him,” Kaneki murmured, his face pressed against his shoulder as Hide rocked him back and forth. He nodded, unsure of what to say, just pulling him closer and _breathing_. It felt like there was no time left for that.

Anteiku was filling up slowly, they’d had the manager and Yomo drive in early, and Koma was closing the shop. Irmi was on patrol with Touka around the twentieth ward and they’d be returning soon.

Kaneki had told him that one of their more latent members would also be joining. Ayato said he’d come with Kimi and Nishiki.

The whole attendance seemed to have sorted itself out, and it seemed they’d finally be putting their proposition forward. Trying to make it make more concrete and definable.

A solid plan. They were actually doing this.

They were moving forward and trying to take down this rogue organisation, and they were going to get rid of the constant fear that had been plaguing Kaneki through his life. They were going to get rid of Jason. They were going to untangle whatever was happening.

They were going to reunite Ayato and Touka. They’d finally be together again, and Kaneki’s guilt, Kaneki’s guilt and fear of having killed a child would finally dissolve away.

Hide pressed his lips against his cheek, and Kaneki sighed, shifting his head to kiss him squarely on the mouth. Hide hummed, smiling, melting into the kiss, just as Touka entered.

She made loud gagging noises, and Kaneki wrenched himself out of Hide’s arms at record speed, his face bright red. His expression was mortified, and Hide couldn’t help but giggle at him.  

“The meeting’s beginning you sickos,” she said, slamming the door behind her, muttering about how disgusting they were. It was scary how alike her and Ayato were.

He took a deep breath, turning back to Kaneki, who was staring nervously at the door as if it had hurt him somehow. He watched him lick his lips, crack his knuckles, and let out a shaky breath. All of tension that Hide had been working to get rid of was back, nervously winding Kaneki up like a tightly coiled spring.

The sound of Kaneki cracking his knuckles echoed through the room, and he winced, taking his hand in his.

“Let’s go, Ken.”

Kaneki nodded dumbly.

* * *

Yoshimura cleared his throat, looking around the room. Everyone was settled in the small lounge on various surfaces, waiting expectantly till Kimi and Nishiki would arrive.

A flamboyant man had startled the life out of Hide when he had sauntered in, gathering Kaneki in his arms as if he was a long lost friend. Or lover. Not that it had mattered really.

He had been a sponsor to the Ghouls since they started out, Touka told him, elbowing him when he leaned especially close to Kaneki, his model styled hair falling stylishly to conceal half his face. It was as if he’d walked straight out of photoshoot- and Hide was resolutely having a hard time convincing himself he was not jealous.

He found out his name was Tsukiyama.

It didn’t matter.

He wasn’t bothered when Kaneki quietly conversed with him, and he wasn’t bothered when Kaneki had smiled that gentle genuine smile that he used for people he genuinely liked.

He was caught between a mixture of apprehension and relief, as well as the niggling jealousy, but mostly relief that Kaneki had people that he could smile at.

He smiled unconsciously, watching him and half paying attention to Koma’s rambling about the weird customer who kept ordering food off the menu and then crying when he couldn’t get it.

He nodded along sympathetically, just as Kaneki detached himself from his conversation, walking towards Hide. Tsukiyama followed closely.

“Ah, Tsukiyama-san, this is Hide,” Kaneki smiled at him uncertainly and Hide put on his brightest smile, turning to Tsukiyama.

“Hey! Nice to meet you,” he held out his hand, which was grasped firmly, Tsukiyama’s fingers cold against his.

“The pleasure is all mine, Hide-kun,” he smiled and it was all teeth. He returned it with similar intent.

“We’re here!”

Kimi’s voice filtered upstairs, followed by the soft jangling of the front door closing.

Hide dropped Tsukiyama’s hand, turning to Kaneki who looked on the edge of an emotional breakdown. He was chewing his lip, his fear plain as day on his face.

He debated reaching out to him, taking his hand in his own.

He stretched his hand, just as Nishiki entered the room. It seemed to catch everyone’s attention.

He traced the tip of his fingers down Kaneki’s knuckles. Kaneki shivered.

The sound of loud footsteps reverberated through the room.

Kaneki entwined their fingers.

Nishiki shot a look over his shoulder, and the tension in the room seemed to grow. The anticipation rising for whatever awaited them.

Finally, _finally,_ Kimi entered.

Conversation seemed to have to died down entirely, everyone staring in pin drop silence as there was a pause. Then Ayato entered.

Everyone seemed to be holding their breaths- eyes travelling between Ayato and Touka.

What was going to happen?

Kaneki’s nails were digging into his skin, and he was sure he was holding his hand in a death grip.

“Um.”

“Oh.” Touka just stared at him, opening her mouth, closing it. Her face cycling through a series of complicated emotions, before finally screwing into a familiar one. Rage.

Anger, and hurt, and sadness, but fury.

“Oh,” she ground out.


	25. Progress (You're the best I ever had)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I didn’t know he was alive. I thought I’d gotten him killed.”
> 
> Kaneki’s eyes stayed on Touka, and she stared back, her expression still twisted into an ugly frown, their eye-contact unwavering.

 It was fascinating, in the most morbid way, watching everyone watch Touka. Watching the slow sweep of eyes turn from her to Ayato. Back and forth like a pendulum.

It was fascinating, watching Touka take a deep breath; Ayato’s adam's apple bob as he swallowed nervously; watching the almost indiscernible tightening of Nishiki’s grip around Kimi’s waist.

The silence was deafening, even the manager stood still, waiting, waiting for Touka to blow, scream, cry, laugh in joy and embrace her brother. React.

Do something to show that she had processed what had happened.

She turned to him instead, her face contorted into an ugly scowl, her eyebrows pulled together, and her eyes fiery. She stared, and he stared back, unsure of what she was thinking, what she was going to do.

“You fucking knew he was alive?” she grit out, marching towards Kaneki. Kaneki’s grip on his hand tightened, and Hide winced, moving closer to him unconsciously. Kaneki’s lips were quivering and Hide could see the tell-tale sign of fear lurking in his eyes.

Before Hide could jump in and say something, Kaneki shook his head, pressing his lips together firmly.

“I didn’t know he was alive. I thought I’d gotten him killed.”

Kaneki’s eyes stayed on Touka, and she stared back, her expression still twisted into an ugly frown, their eye-contact unwavering.

This was the first time Hide had seen them interacting face to face, and not in odd roundabout ways.

“‘Gotten him killed?’” Touka repeated, turning to Ayato, who was playing with the frayed edge of his sleeve. He didn’t look up at her, his skinny frame taut, even as he tried to feign casualness, leaning against the door-frame.

“Yes.”

She turned back to him, her expression falling. Oddly open and vulnerable, her lips turned downward, resigned. The rage that had been so potent only seconds before seemed to have been completely doused by the flimsy understanding that Kaneki had put forward.

Maybe it hadn’t been real- it hadn’t. She was struggling, her emotions were hers and she was struggling to keep them under wraps, even under so much scrutiny she was trying her best to stay strong and put together. After all, what was the appropriate response to finding out someone you cherished so wholeheartedly that you thought was dead… well- wasn’t.

“Ayato- that’s-” she turned back to him, her hands shaking at her sides.

Hide swallowed, pressing his arm against Kaneki’s, his eyes not moving from the scene in front of him.

“Ayato.” She straightened her shoulders- put herself together within seconds before his very eyes.

His Touka. Quicksilver temper, fiery eyes, bright, burning bright- brilliant.

Finally, Ayato looked up at her, and met her eyes, his expression scared, his eyes wide, and since the first time Hide had seen him in the cafe he looked his age. He looked like a scared sixteen year old, facing his sister’s wrath. But it wasn’t wrath, because Touka’s face seemed to be going through a mixture of emotions.

And Ayato’s eyes were so soft, his jaw was clenched, his hands clutching the edge of his jacket, but his eyes were fixed on Touka’s face, and there was so much conflicted adoration and hurt. It tugged at his heartstrings.

Hide averted his eyes, when Touka started to move towards him, hovering a few feet away from him, her expression unsure.

It felt wrong that this was how she found out. He felt like he was intruding on something intrinsically private, and he had forced his way into the middle.

“I don’t want to look,” Kaneki breathed. his voice low enough to have been missed by Hide if he’d breathed any louder. Hide nodded, running his thumb over his knuckles.

“I feel like we caused this, we didn’t think this through enough,” he replied, his eyes fixed on Irmi who was staring at her nails. Kaneki sighed softly.

“We were too focused on the planning, we didn’t really consider Touka’s feelings…”

He nodded, licking his lips, as Touka finally put her hand on Ayato’s shoulder. She smoothed down the fabric, her hand trailing down his arm, her expression entirely disbelieving.

“Where were you?” she breathed quietly. The words echoed, in the silence of the room, and he wanted to desperately give them their moment- he couldn’t bear to intrude any further.

Kaneki seemed to be on the same page, turning away from them, tugging at Hide’s hand and leaning against him unabashedly. Even in his surprised state, Hide’s instinctively wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer, his weight a steady familiar presence.

He saw Kimi and Nishiki shift, and it was as if the activity in the room that had been put on pause started up again.

Leaving Touka and Ayato to continue their conversation in their weak semblance of privacy. They were talking now, murmuring amongst each other, and Ayato seemed to be edging slowly out of the room with Touka following.

“You look really strange in leather,” Kaneki mumbled into his shoulder, and Hide huffed. Kaneki moved back to grin at him, and Hide pouted in response, a complicated jumble of thoughts in his head. He knew Kaneki was trying to make him feel better and he could only aim to return the favour.

“And here I was trying to ease you into my leather based fantasies.”

Kaneki scoffed, tugging at his collar, before smoothing his hand down the fabric, resting his hand on his chest.

“What do those fantasies include?” He could see Kaneki’s ears growing slightly pink even as he said the words with utmost confidence. He wanted to see it spread across his cheeks. Down his neck when Hide said something really stupid and daring, or when they kissed heatedly until they were forced apart. He wanted to see it right now.

He swallowed, opening his mouth to respond with something equally witty, when Tsukiyama moved closer to them, smiling pleasantly.

“Ah, it seems the meeting has been delayed further.”

Kaneki’s hand dropped and his smile seemed to lose the edge it was carrying.

“It seems so,” the teasing lilt in Kaneki’s voice was gone, it was soft, gentle. He was being respectful, and it was doing nothing to dampen the pit of jealousy that had arisen within him at Tsukiyama’s arrival.

Hide wasn’t really the jealous type, a little possessive probably, but not really jealous. It just seemed a bit obvious that Tsukiyama seemed a little too into him and Kaneki was so endearing and oblivious- he was being polite- but even then he was so unbearably gentle and sweet. Hide couldn’t even blame Tsukiyama. Kaneki was too easy to fall for once you talked to him, or saw him, or were in his general vicinity.

It didn’t help that Tsukiyama was absolutely gorgeous.

The guy could be on the cover of vanity fair, it wasn’t fair.

“So Kaneki-kun, tell me how you and Hideyoshi-kun met?” Tsukiyama asked, his expression completely polite and the perfect picture of mildly interested.

Kaneki licked his lips, and he saw Tsukiyama’s eyes follow the movement. The inexplicable burn of jealousy returned.

“We met in university, and after that Hide helped me through a lot of- situations,” Kaneki said, shooting Hide a glance. Hide smiled in return, throwing his arm around Kaneki easily.

“Kaneki seems to attract trouble it seems,” He smiled wider, all teeth.

Kaneki let out a small sound in protest and Hide pressed his lips together as Tsukiyama laughed.

“Mon cheri, he is a porte-malheur- bad luck.”

Kaneki flushed, smiling nervously.

“So, how did _you_ and Kaneki meet, Tsukiyama-san?”

Kaneki shot him a look, and he shrugged it off, waiting expectantly for an answer.

Tsukiyama stared at him blankly, long eyelashes casting shadows on his face that made him look like Adonis.

“We met in the course of business,” he said finally, smiling in a way that made Hide feel like he’d missed the punchline of a huge joke. It wasn’t mocking, no, it was- or it felt- condescending in the worst way. Like he wasn’t saying more out of the kindness of his own heart to protect Hide from hearing whatever the big hidden joke was.

He nodded amiably, a weird uneasiness bubbling in his gut, and turned to Kaneki for some sort of explanation.

Kaneki looked away from him just as he tried to meet his eyes, discomfort was written all over his features plain as day. He took a deep breath.

“He, um… Supported me as an escort,” Kaneki said quietly, pressing down on his knuckles, entwining his fingers, and staring at them as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. Hide swallowed, his mind already trying to settle the information.

Tsukiyama had paid Kaneki for sex. That would mean he probably was loaded judging from the prices Kaneki had told Hide his aunt had supplied for his services, but how did Tsukiyama end up in the Ghouls?

That also explained why he looked a little in love with Kaneki.

Kaneki seemed to be shrinking into himself slowly the longer he stayed silent.

He licked his lips trying to think of something reassuring to say.

‘That’s good?’

‘I’m glad?’

‘It’s okay I understand?’

“Oh, alright,” he said instead, taking Kaneki’s hands and gently prying them apart, running his fingers over his knuckles. He smoothed the pads of his thumbs softly over the reddened skin and watched Kaneki look up to meet his eyes nervously.

Hide smiled at him, and he knew he should say something reassuring. Something that would make him more at ease with the whole situation, but even with Kaneki’s hands in his and his eyes on him it felt inherently wrong to give him empty words to lie on.

It was a selfish thought, and Hide couldn’t understand his reasoning, but even as he opened his mouth to lighten the situation he could feel himself faltering.

He could feel Kaneki faltering too, the grip of his hands growing looser, and the slump of his shoulders growing more pronounced.

He didn’t know what to say. He didn't know how to ease his fears and worries and help him. He didn’t know the right thing to say that Tsukiyama would be listening to.

“I-”

Touka re-entered and all eyes turned to her. Ayato shuffled in behind her.

“We can talk later Kaneki. Don’t worry okay,” Hide said quietly, tugging Kaneki closer to him, running his fingers up the hairs on the nape of his neck. Kaneki smiled at him gratefully, melting into him, the tension slowly dissipating.

“Well?” Ayato asked, his arms crossed over his chest.

There was silence

“I’m back from the dead to take down Aogiri. And you assholes are going to help me.”

* * *

 

“We should run away together,” Hide mused, and Kaneki shot him an unamused look, turning back to his thick book.

“Why would we run away?” Kaneki asked, his hand absently toying with Hide’s hair. He wasn’t paying attention to Dostoyevsky, instead just staring at the same page, his eyes running over the words but not absorbing any of the plot.

“I mean running away would be easier,” he gestured vaguely around the room, “than this.”

Kaneki stared at him, trying to let his words sink in.

It seemed like a statement he’d never have expected Hide to make. Hide, who seemed so sure and confident about what he was doing. Who seemed to enjoy the challenge of life.

“Would you want it to be easier?” he asked, curiosity bleeding into his carefully neutral tone.

“I’d want you to have it easier,” Hide responded without hesitation, and Kaneki paused. He felt like his heart was in his throat. “I’d want to be with you too.”

He felt like he was slowly being filled with love and it was so close to overwhelming him. It made his heart feel big, and felt like he was going to explode.

He could see Hide’s ears growing redder and he struggled to hide a grin.

“What brought this on?”

He brushed back his hair back with his fingers, pushing it away from his forehead. Hide closed his eyes.

“I’m- Sometimes I… want a forever.”

“A forever?” he repeated, licking his lips.

Hide opened his eyes to look at him from his position on his lap. Kaneki stared back, unsure.

“With you I mean. I sometimes- I hope for a forever and I’m never sure what you want becau-”

He could feel his heart beat speed up, his throat catch. A forever.

He wanted a forever. Hide wanted him around forever.

It felt like a miracle, a dream come true, some sort of fairy tale romance that somehow applied to him. Hide had felt like his salvation, his end goal, but Hide had only been a doorway. Hide had been his strength, his support. He’d pushed him to be where he was now, and Hide had pushed him in good and bad ways, in ways that made him felt more broken than any hardship in his life had before.

Hide hadn’t been his salvation.

Hide had lied and hurt him, but Hide had brought him purpose, a life, an option to be human. To be happy.

Hide hadn’t been his salvation, Hide had helped him find himself. He’d become his pathway to Kaneki being his own salvation.

“Forever sounds nice,” he said, voice breathy. 

* * *

 

“The Aogiri plan to attack this place soon enough, and looking at their past records they don’t care much about the collateral damage. They don’t follow the whole ‘no kill’ policies you hippies have set out for yourselves,” Ayato said, his voice growing more and more frantic as he continued talking.

It was dim in the room they were in, the clock showing it was just past two am in the morning. Ayato was on the ground, bent over a map that had been laid down on the coffee table, jabbing at it with a ballpoint pen.

“Your best fighters here are listed as Yomo, Irmi and Koma for fucks sake. Touka and Kaneki for stealth fighters. _Hide as a scout.”_ Ayato scoffed, and looked up at him, where he was lounging against Kaneki on the sofa.

“Do you not trust my credentials?” he asked lightly, and Touka sighed exasperatedly. “I feel like we’re not taking this seriously enough,” Kimi said quietly, and all eyes turned to her. She let out a huff.

“We have Yamori going on a rampage after Kaneki, and we all know how dedicated he seems to be to that… particular cause.” She paused, looking around the room, her eyes settling on Hide, “Aogiri is dangerous. They’ve been in on the game since the fire, and there’s definitely a deeper motive here. The general spike in murders around Tokyo can’t be considered random. We have a source telling us that there’s something happening. That something is coming towards us.”

There was silence.

Yoshimura stood up, his face unusually grim, his eyes tired on his face.

“We need to take precautions. We need to make sure there is official authority backing for this operation to work out.”

“So we work with the CCG?” Touka asked, shooting a look at Hide, and he knew this was where he came in. He was the main actor that would be able to secure them a safer, more reliable position in ‘taking on’ the Aogiri.

“We’ll need to approach them in a way that would keep Anteiku and the Ghouls safe and separate,” Kimi said, and Nishiki nodded in agreement beside her. Hide sighed.

Then to everyone’s surprise, Kaneki spoke up.

“I have an idea.”

* * *

 

Hide was gasping as Kaneki softly mouthed down his neck, and the satisfaction from those soft noises was unbelievable. Hide’s hands slipped down the bare skin of his shoulders, stroking down his spine.

Kaneki shivered as Hide continued his exploration, and moved his mouth to Hide’s collar bones, nipping and biting at them. Hide groaned softly, and Kaneki shushed him, pushing him back so that he was flat on his back.

It was just past four am and they both had collapsed as soon as they returned from the meeting. The basic planning was well underway, and Kaneki and Hide had been given their current respective roles.

Kaneki had expected Hide to fall asleep as soon as his head touched the pillow, but instead he’d tugged his shirt off, and gently pulled Kaneki closer. There had been a jitteriness to Hide’s movements, a hesitance that usually wasn’t present even when their kisses got heated.

He was the confident one. The one that was always so sure of himself, but tonight his hands were shaking as he took off Kaneki’s shirt, his hands lingering on the scars stretching over his ribs,

Hide let out a soft sound snapping Kaneki back to attention and he lowered himself over him, straddling his hips, kissing him gently. Hide responded immediately, enthusiastically. His fingers dancing along the skin near his hips, toying with the waistband of his boxers.

“Are we doing this?” Hide whispered, his voice hoarse.

He took a deep breath. Considered his options.

Exhaled and ground down on him in a motion that was so familiar to him. Hide’s reaction was immediate. The grip on his hips tightened, and his hips bucked upwards desperately, groaning loudly.

He could feel himself growing hotter, the friction he was craving barely there, but it was something, and it was intimate in a way that he’d never expected to experience. He moved instinctively, gasping softly as Hide’s clothed cock pressed against his.

“We might be doing this,” he whispered, his heart beating unbearably fast.

Hide nodded, his eyes half lidded, strands of hair sticking to his forehead, his lips swollen. He looked wrecked.

He made his breathing speed up.

“Who’s gonna top?” He asked, pushing himself up impossibly fluidly. Kaneki licked his lips, moved his eyes back to his face.

Hide’s face was soft, open, a small smile on his kiss swollen lips. The previous jitteriness was gone, the easy confidence Hide seemed to possess with everything was back.

“I don’t mind.”

Hide’s lips curved up further, and Kaneki could feel his face flushing. He let out a startled sound when Hide moved, flipping them over, and laughing at Kaneki’s obvious surprise.

“We can switch,” he breathed, mouthing along Kaneki’s jaw, pressing his knee between his legs. He let out a shaky breath in response, closing his eyes, as Hide pressed harder against his crotch.

“Ah, we can do that- Oh-”

Hide grinned up at his through his lashes, pulling down the fabric of his boxers, his lips moving to his neck making him squirm. Hide’s hand smoothed down his thighs, and he lifted himself to position himself against him.

He felt like he was floating, and when his eyes met Hide’s it was a reminder of this happening. Of finally being brought back down to earth.

His stomach fluttered, as Hide’s hand unabashedly wrapped around him, drawing a startled gasp out of him.

“Moan for me Kaneki.” 

* * *

 

There’s ash in your hair and ash spilling from your mouth,

I wanted to fight for you and with you but I feel like I’m suffocating in the smoke

and you won’t stop spitting ash in my face, Is this

what our love is, is this what I married myself to wake up to as you stroke

your ash covered fingers through my clean hair. Is this

what our war lead us to? Is this our love? I ask you this.

You kiss me. 

* * *

 

“I’m aware of the fact that the case against ‘Jason’ was closed a while back due to the lack of evidence and no reported appearances,” Kaneki started, his voice steady. The hand entwined with Hide’s was shaking.

“I’d like to have the case reopened. I’d like to report him as the person responsible for the murders in the twentieth ward. I’d also like for me and my family to be placed under CCG protection.”

There was a beat of silence.

“What evidence do you have to support the claims for his involvement in the murders in the 20th ward?” Akira asked, her voice was unwavering and steady, her eyes surprisingly focused on Hide instead of Kankei.

“I have video footage, and myself as a witness.”

He was more sure of himself, his voice still steady and firm.

Amon turned to Akira, just as the door behind Hide creaked open.

“We’ll officially start investigations into your claims very soon. You case will be opened."


	26. Turn the Lights Down Low

 

“It seems that my requests for a meeting with our star worker Hideyoshi Nagachika have been accepted.” The voice was deep and startling, and Hide could feel Kaneki stiffening beside him. It seemed that Director Washuu had finally joined them. He pressed his lips together as the man easily strode into view, taking a seat at the head of the long conference table, three chairs down from both of them.

 

Sunshine, rain or storm, it didn’t seem to matter at this moment. All eyes were fixed on the Director as he pleasantly sat a folder on the glass table and flipped it open. The resentment that Hide irrationally harboured against him seemed to increase tenfold. There was something unsettling about how amiable he seemed, a smile stretching across his lips, his eyes twinkling.

 

“It seems they have,” Hide conceded, making sure his smile in response was just as sharp, all teeth. Kaneki’s finger stroked his, and Hide shakily took his hand in his own- tightening his grip, trying to give reassurance, and trying to gain it.

 

“So, it seems that you have associated yourself with Ken.”

 

Kaneki flinched, Hide’s smile grew wider. His anger was a rising crescendo, his blood burning in his veins as he met the eyes of the man seated at the head. A king lounging on his throne. His fingers were toying with his pen, and he exuded ease, power. He knew he held the ball in the court.

 

_What’s a king to a God?_

 

He took a deep breath.

 

“Yes I have. I have a favour to ask of you,” he grit his teeth, “As a son.”

 

_What’s a God to a Non-believer?_

 

“Is that who you’re presenting yourself as before me? My son?” He laughed mirthlessly, “Very well, what’s your request?”

 

Kaneki was stock still beside him, and Hide knew it would feel like betrayal. After all he had been walking the streets with the burden of so many deaths on his shoulder, and Hide’s parents had weighed heavily. But what was the relevance of a blood link when there wasn’t anything more to it than just name. Did cold microwaved dinners and constant absence even count for anything? Yearly visits, and an inordinate amount of money in his bank account all the time. Who cared? Who cared where he’d worked or how long he’d worked? His life was built on a shaky foundation of questions and Hide had found love and comfort in the arms of his now dead parents. They were the ones that had mattered.

 

This man sitting in front of him was just a means to an end.

 

“Father, I need your protection. I need your help.”

 

The rain seemed to grow heavier, Kaneki’s touch weightier, and his eyes didn’t leave his father’s, not when they stared back at him, eerily similar to the ones he saw in the mirror every morning. This was the man that had helped bring him into the world. This was the man that had been manipulating his entire life, and had finally led him to this place.

 

“Just say the word Hide.”

 

* * *

 

“We’ve gotten their cooperation, so Anteiku should be protected regardless of what happens. There’s heavier surveillance in the 20th ward and they’re thinking of upping it in the 21st ward. Kaneki’s case has been reopened so there’s a lookout for Jason,” Hide explained, settled beside Kaneki on the small sofa.

 

Touka huffed, nodding in understanding. She was in her night clothes, a small blanket draped over her shoulders. Ayato lay snoring on one of the single sofas, his legs dangling over the sides. It was just past two am in the morning and the downpour had slowed down considerably, giving the streets slightly more visibility.

 

The moon had seemed larger than life the last time Hide had peered outside, and maybe that was some sort of good omen. He had prayed it was.

 

But again- again- again- every movement of the night, forever changed places. And just like that clouds had blocked the sky, and Hide had sighed, hoping to ignore the foreboding pathetic fallacy that seemed to be overtaking his life.

 

“I was discussing the pre-ops with Kimi and Yomo and we were thinking of splitting up the group to make the whole operation more discreet. If we target one of the smaller bosses first and then work our way up then it would be manageable- otherwise it might just be a straight up slaughter-house.” Touka said, playing with a fraying finger nail.

 

Hide hummed in response, adjusting his position and running his hands through his hair.

 

“I think that’s a good idea. The only con would be that they might notice a pattern and do something drastic- but judging from what Ayato’s told us they’re already planning something big. We have a list of their weaker members who usually work together and if we send out groups of three to draw them out and ambush them then we’d have the bottom rung gone,” he seemed to think for a second, “We can make it look like a police arrest, and that would take the suspicion off the Ghouls.”

 

Touka opened her mouth as if to say something but shut it again, leaning further back, her expression contemplative. She was toying with the frayed edge of the blanket, and Hide watched her interestedly.

 

“That’s a good idea, but you do realise what that means right?” Nishiki asked, startling the three of them, as he walked out from the kitchen, crossing his arms. He licked his lips, considered it. Bit the bullet.

 

“What?”

 

Nishiki eyed him, a hint of amusement in the way the edge of lip curled. He looked unabashedly smug.

 

“Hide will have to go to the mission.”

 

Kaneki was up from his place before Hide could have said anything- or even processed Nishiki’s words for that matter. Hide had seen Kaneki at his worst, literally at the brink of death, in a state of intoxication and misery, and guilt but never had he seen him so vehemently angry. His eyebrows were knit together, his mouth pressed  into a hard line. It was the most uncharacteristic he had seen him. He started to reach for his hand but Kaneki pulled away, moving away from him.

 

Hide took in a shaky breath.

 

“Hide isn’t ready for that and we all know it,” Kaneki all but growled, his shoulders tense.

 

“You know what I’m saying is right Kaneki, we need him if we want to prove a solid connection to the police and it’s _his_ contract of protection. Not ours,” Nishiki reasoned, and Kaneki’s expression seemed to grow darker with each word.

 

“He’s barely trained. He has literally never had a proper mission. And the people we’re going to be going up against aren’t everyday criminals.”

 

Hide could feel his heart hammering in his chest. He could do it. He could go out there and take on the world- he knew he could do it but at the same time the premise that Kaneki seemed to set out for him seemed to bring a sense of reality to the whole surreal situation. His parents were dead. His biological father was calling him ‘son’ again, and he was going to go out there and die.

 

“He’s a grown adult, he can handle-”

 

“ _Nishiki,_ we can’t handle ourselves against them. We’re powerless, useless. Hide’s going to be a ragdoll for them.”

 

Kaneki was so much, so worried for him, not even trying to veil it through the concerned tilt of his mouth and his restless hands. This was the same man he had come so far with. The one who had slept in lectures beside him, exhausted and bone weary and emotionless. The same one he had blamed through his selfish grief. The same he had claimed to want a forever with. Even in his anger Kaneki was beautiful, and Hide knew that this wasn’t the time for whimsical thoughts but he was in love, and Kaneki was burning like an avenging angel refusing to see logic.

 

“I’ll go, I have to Kaneki,” this time when he reached out for Kaneki he didn’t move away, his hand was hot in his. There’s an expression of betrayal on his face even as he seems to move back towards Hide. Kaneki pressed his lips together, refusing to make eye-contact with him.

 

Touka watched the exchange wearily- reaching for her cup of now lukewarm tea on the coffee table. There’s a beat of tense silence.

 

“I’m going with him then.”

 

* * *

 

That night when everyone had left, Kaneki fucked him. He had Hide writhing under him, his hands fisting the bedsheets, long, drawn out moans muffled into pillows. Kaneki thrust languidly, and Hide felt like he was going to melt. His whole mind was overcome with lust, his neck throbbing deliciously from where Kaneki’s mouth had worked at the sensitive skin until he was sure it was just going to be a pretty patchwork of red and blue. He had returned the favour, greedily taking every part of Kaneki he could latch onto, marking him as his.

 

He felt wrecked in the best way, and Kaneki was hitting his prostate over and over again bringing him close, so close to the edge only to slow down again just as he’d feel his toes curling. It was driving him mad.

 

“Hah- Harder-Kaneki-” he groaned, tightening his legs around Kaneki’s waist making him moan softly as he sped up. Hide felt his heels dig into Kaneki’s skin, and he urged him closer, sharp gasps unwittingly slipping from his lips. So close, he was so close, he let out a soft whimper as he felt Kaneki’s hand wrap around his cock, sliding up and down leisurely as he continued his brutal pace.

 

He closed his eyes, arching his back, so ready, so close. His breathing was speeding up as he moved his arms to loop them around Kaneki’s neck to pull him closer. He moaned loudly, his insides clenching in pleasure, just as Kaneki halted completely. Hide cried out, his eyes shooting open, as he reached for Kaneki.

 

“God, please move,” he whispered, his throat hoarse. Kaneki licked his lips, looking the picture of sin itself with his blown out pupils and kiss bitten lips. His body was littered with imprints of Hide’s mouth and he roved his eyes over him desperately.

 

“Please Ken. _Please let me come_ ,” he pleaded, moving his hips for any sort of friction. His pulse hammered loudly, and he was so sure that Kaneki was able to tell how much he was driving him insane.

 

Kaneki smiled, leaned over him, his arms caging Hide in, and kissed him. Their teeth clanked together, and Hide immediately parted his lips as Kaneki’s tongue swept across the seam of his lips, slowly moving into his mouth. He couldn’t do any more than keep his mouth parted, as Kaneki’s tongue fucked into his mouth. He sucked on it, trying to take as much as he could get, making Kaneki let out a pleased sound.

 

Kaneki’s hand started to stroke him once again making him moan unabashedly. This time faster, tugging at him, playing with the head which was leaking precome by now. He continued working his tongue, driving Hide to the edge just with the clever way he worked his fingers. He could feel the familiar heat coiling through him and he was so close, so close.

 

He nearly shouted when Kaneki moved away. Tears of frustration were clinging to his lashes and he was panting, completely wrecked.

 

“Please,” he begged.

 

Kaneki started moving, faster, harder. The bed was creaking and for a split second Hide felt sorry for Nishiki and Kimi who most definitely were aware of what was happening. But then all thoughts of them were driven away when Kaneki started pounding into him right on that perfect spot. His chest felt tight as Kaneki leaned over him, pressing a chaste kiss to Hide’s swollen lips. It felt like an almost religious experience, the way that Kaneki bowed himself over Hide, like he was pouring his soul into him.

 

It didn’t take too long, one, two, four thrusts and he was coming over himself, his back arching off the bed and Kaneki kissing him, trying to swallow all his sounds, the cries of Kaneki’s name that he couldn’t hold back. Kaneki followed soon after, letting out a soft “Hide,” before slumping over him completely spent. Both of them were pliant and relaxed, basking in the glow of their orgasm.

 

It was after they had gotten cleaned up and were lying tangled up, chest to chest that Kaneki murmured:

 

“I love you.”

 

Hide smiled, pressed himself closer to Kaneki, kissing his head.

 

* * *

 

_Come sleep with me: We won’t make Love, Love will make us._

 

* * *

His eyes were hooded and Hide couldn’t help but chew his lip nervously as he watched him load his gun, flick the safety on before turning away from him. He had that leather jacket on that wrapped around him like a second skin, outlining the built of his shoulders, his back.

 

“You can just say no you know,” he said, finally turning back to him. His face was half hidden in the low light but Hide could see the displeasure in the press of his lips. His shoulders were straight, the gun in his hand looking like an almost natural fixture. Hide licked his lips, turning away from him.

 

“You know I’m not doing this to prove anything Kaneki,” he said, staring at the bullet-proof vest that was lying in front of him. Kaneki had insisted that he take it, with an array of weapons that he didn’t have a lot of experience using. His ears were ringing.

 

But wasn’t he? Wasn’t this an elaborate gesture to prove to himself, to prove to Kaneki, to prove to the man he despised- the man he called his father- that he was capable of doing something. To prove that he wasn’t just useless and curious, getting himself involved in the wrong crowd. Maybe this whole thing was suicidal and maybe this whole thing was to prove everything, and as dawn started to break he stood up, and with shaky hands picked up the vest that was supposed to protect him.

 

An odd sort of numbness settled over him as he stared at it, turned his gaze towards the knives that lay on the table before him. The numbness didn’t leave him when he felt Kaneki come up from behind him, his chest pressing against his back as he took the vest from his hands. He kissed his neck, kissed the edge of his jaw, and Hide had been sure that the rain would have stopped by now but the pattering against the window pane seemed to suggest otherwise.

 

He sighed, sinking back against Kaneki who pressed light kisses up and down his neck, his long lashes grazing his skin.

 

“I’ll be there, don’t worry.”

 

Hide sighed again, finding Kaneki’s hand, tilting his head back to rest against Kaneki’s shoulder.

 

“I know, I know.”

 

* * *

_Do you know what I want of life?_

_That I can be with you, you, all of you,_

_and if life repeated a thousand times,_

_still you, you, and again, you_

**Author's Note:**

> [scream with me on tumblr](https://evermoredeath.tumblr.com/)


End file.
